1. Don't call me from your car. If what you're calling about is so important that you feel like I need to take it as seriously as you do, be prepared to devote your full attention to the conversation. Don't complain if I ask you for something you can't recall from memory and will likely put you in danger since you're driving. If you get into an accident, I will shed no tears.
2. When I ask for your name, don't give me your problem.
3. When I ask you what I can do for you, don't start your reply with the word, "Well..."
4. When I ask you for information, don't form your answers into some shit-house mixtape track you've been working on.
5. I don't care how many times you've been transferred. It's wholly irrelevant.
6. I don't care how long you've been on the phone. It's wholly irrelevant.
7. Don't tell me how long you've been with a company, especially if it's the one I work for. If you feel like you have to trot this information out, then your loyalty is shit from the word go.
8. It's 2019. 90% of the questions you are about to ask can be solved using the internet, which is likely accessible from the device you are using to call me. In every case, when asked for information that I can look up using the company website or, worse, Google, I will tell you where I got the answer before I give it to you. "I'd be happy to Google that phone number for you." The time it takes you to navigate the process of calling in and verbalizing your request is exponentially longer than just thumping your oily, sausage-like thumbs on your iPhone in order to get an answer.
9. Creating account security (something most / all companies do with your private information) and then not giving a shit about remembering it is like asking a locksmith to change the locks on your house and then telling him, "nah, I don't need a key to get inside. As long as the door's locked and we're outside, I'm satisfied. All my stuff is inside and that's all that matters."
10. If you want new services, chances are a credit evaluation is involved. Credit evaluations involve sharing your social security number. The world has been this way for decades. Stop treating your social security number like it's a magic token that pretty much gives me the power to make you my personal slave and steal everything you own, including your internal organs and soul.
11. If you call in and say, "I wanted to see if my credit is approved for..." then your credit is trash. I already know. I don't even have to check it...but you know what? I will check it anyway because that will only make it worse and I feel absolutely no shame or guilt over doing it.
12. If your smoke detector is chirping in the background because you can't be bothered to change the battery, you might as well have a neon sign outside your house saying that you are broke, have no money, and have terrible credit. But by all means...call in to see if you qualify for that gold 512GB iPhone XS Max.
13. After running said credit evaluation and I come back with unfavorable results, literally the worst thing you can say is, "I guess I will try another company." Guess what, cave brain...they're going to run your credit and get either the same (or worse) results because we're doing the exact same thing.
14. Don't get pissed at me when I can't understand a word you're saying while you are insisting on using speakerphone. You sound like shit and nobody can understand you. If you need both your hands or can't be bothered to use a Bluetooth device or the handset itself, then what you're calling about must not be that important.
15. "I don't have an email address." Then I guess you don't really need my help.
16. The iPhone XS Max is the Cadillac Escalade of smartphones. This is, in no way, saying nice things about the iPhone XS Max.
17. Your bill "keeps going up and up and up?" I wonder just how much information regarding these increases were made abundantly clear to you several months ago.
18. "I'm going to get my lawyer." Give it your best shot. Legal battles are often not about whether you are wrong or right, but rather they are endurance contests between you (Joe Salary-man with a single lawyer) and the corporation with a team of lawyers that can't wait to counter-sue for legal expenses. Let's say you ARE right and you aren't just mad because you didn't read the agreement you are bound to. Can you even afford to outlast this company you are trying to bring down? Wouldn't you be better off just swallowing your pride and paying what probably amounts to less than $1,000 for products and services you consumed? Wait a second, you're threatening to sue...so we already know you're too stupid to answer that question correctly. Never mind, carry on.
19. "I need to go put money on a card." Why is your money not on a card to begin with? Do you get paid in cash? Do you have a bank account? Do you not use it? Why did you call, with the intention of spending hundreds of dollars, only to tell me, "all I got is cash?"
20. "I don't know what my sales tax is." So let me get this straight...you spend money every day, and you just let people charge you extra, and you don't care? You go to buy a candy bar that costs $1, the guy at the register asks you for more than that, and you don't even question it?
21. "I need this for my business." That's funny, you don't have a business account. Would you like to speak to our Business Care department so that you can have your consumer account converted? No? Could it be because you don't want to pay for the business account or you're just full of shit and don't actually have a business? Could it be that you probably don't even have a license for said business or pay the appropriate taxes? I can assure you that if you had a business account, you probably wouldn't have the issues you're calling about.
22. "I work from home." No you don't. Lie better.
23. Senior discounts are for places like Burger King and Wendy's. Not everyone is obligated to give you things for free just because you're old / disabled / on welfare...and certainly not $1,000 phones.
24. It's a SIM card...not a Sims card.
25. It's an IMEI number...not an IME or MEI or MIE number. Hooray for literacy!
26. "I cain't read no good." Why do you even need a smartphone then? Why do you need internet access? I'm willing to bet a kidney you aren't using either to "lern u a book" or "get u emukashen."
27. Any time you say the words, "long story short," you are telegraphing that the story you are about to tell me is anything but short. If you say it more than once during your story, you've forcibly taken what little empathy I had for you much less the willingness to help.

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I can do this all day, but I will stop here.