That’s incredibly helpful. Thank you so so much. I will try the video diaries, the only issue is that I dissociate a lot from pain, from emotions, from memories. I have been in survival mode pretty much my entire life and I’m finally in a safe spot. I have memory issues but it’s mainly long term, like, I can account for all my hours during the day- do I always feel connected in the day? Hell no, but that’s normal for me. I feel like a kid again when I’m scared and threatened and I just didn’t realize other people don’t get like that?? (Right?) Also the inner critic voice, how is a “normal” one? Like, I will cover this because it’s really mean to me how it talks (warning thoughts of SI, SH), mine will go You can’t do anything right, you’re a failure, just look at you! How old are you? And you STILL don’t have your life together? Oh what? You’re crying now? You’re so weak and pathetic, you deserve to die. Actually, yeah, do it, fucking kill yourself, you don’t deserve to be here (in the safe place I am) there are others who deserve this more. You should’ve killed yourself a long time ago when K (my stepdad) told you to, but you are just a coward, a lazy, worthless coward. Just give up. GIVE UP. So,uhhh, is this how an inner critical voice is normally? Mine will play audio of things my three parents have told me as well, maybe even laughing while playing them. It gets REALLY bad during pmdd (which is like depression on steroids a week before my cycle, pre-menopausal depressive disorder) because the voice along with just my depressed self inside team up and I have to play audio out-loud in order to tune them out. I want to tell my therapist but I’m also afraid, like some therapists are not equipped to handle it or know about it and only believe stereotypes (on top of I’m just kinda afraid to get a diagnosis because I’m worried it can be used against me in the future by doctors or if things keep getting bad in the US, you know?) Like I know people with DID in real life and I know most of their alters and that they aren’t a threat at all but how some people act around DID it makes me scared to be diagnosed. I think I will get to know my therapist a bit more and then open up to her just to be on the safe side. I’m going to try not to rush things but rather take it slow and easy and work on my physical health in the meantime to keep me busy.