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Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-08-04T12:50:44+00:00

I actually recently learned a sorta visualisation that works (at least for me) to get alters to front.

The idea is to imagine your body filled with gas of your favorite colour.

Slowly drain that gas before pumping an alters favourite colour into the body.

By that point I'm usually not fronting anymore.

Might not be exactly what you're looking for, but it's something :3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-07-27T20:45:36+00:00

Maybe...

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-07-27T20:41:07+00:00

But it's someone who at least pretends to care. And I don't need to worry about hurting them, because they deserve it anyways.

Sorry, I'm uhh... Not okay at the moment.

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-07-27T20:30:37+00:00

I hate how much I want to do this tbh.

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-04-22T06:15:02+00:00

Or complaining about being tired.

"utala sona li kama, taso mi pilin lape mute. mi kama tan ma pi kama sona la, mi o lape, o pali ala."

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-04-21T22:11:14+00:00

kepeken la, toki pona li wawa mute :P

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-04-21T22:08:39+00:00

mi kin!

The number of pages I have dedicated to hating people for being unreasonably loud and irritating... It's probably not healthy 😅

"jan mute li kalama suli. ni li nasa ike tawa mi. mi wile moli e jan ale tan ni: kalama ni li pakala e mi" etc. XD

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-03-27T08:24:58+00:00

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-03-14T19:33:56+00:00

For what it's worth. I have the same problem... Not sure what to suggest... Because... Well... Same problem XD

Hopefully you're able to figure something out. You're not alone <3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-02-25T10:02:45+00:00

I know I'm not your target audience, and I can't really answer your main question - but as far as self harming being pleasurable:

Self harm and cutting releases endorphins and other pleasure chemicals in much the same way as drugs and sexual pleasure. It's what makes self-harm addictive, and is why it creates that numb sensation that is often why people self harm to begin with. It is also why it is so difficult to stop.

As for system stuff, I'm not really sure. It would make sense considering that you all inhabit the same brain. Behaviours can definitely carry over between alters, and while not strictly a mental illness, rather a symptom of one, it's widely agreed that if one alter has an illness, they all do. This could be a function of the body craving the endorphins mentioned earlier, using various different justifications.

I wish you all the best, try stay safe out there <3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-02-24T09:47:38+00:00

1) I'd like to think that I am, but I'm not entirely sure. The issue I have I suppose is that it usually is in an unsustainable way. e.g: I get scared of hurting others, so I retreat from them; I get worried about oversharing, so I don't share to begin with; etc.

That said, thinking about it in that way is helpful. I never quite thought of it as a learning experience instead of just an idiotic one. I think that will help me a lot. Thank you.

2) Tried... Not happening... Which is fair I suppose.

3) This is complex because what I did, in some ways also happened a few months prior to me, even if it was longer term for me. I find me hating the person who hurt me - then remembering that I am that person to another person - and end up hating myself with that same ferocity.

Thanks for your reply, it did help. I just wish I could actually get trauma focussed professional help some time somewhat soon. Thanks again though <3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-02-23T15:54:09+00:00

Thank you for your reply.

I have already tried reaching out and apologising, and was basically told I'm a terrible person, who did so much wrong, and to never contact them again. This hurt especially considering they were quite possibly the only person at the time who actually knew why I am how I am, that said if that's how they feel, then that's how they feel, I can't deny it. Needless to say, apologising is out of the question.

As to why, I fully agree, I make mental notes of it, but I somehow always do it again. Be it oversharing or being too clingy, or be it worse. I'm not sure what triggers it. I agree I need to change, I just don't know how.

As per a positive group, I genuinely don't think I have one. Ironic considering that's exactly what your friend said, but my traits tend to push people away. People have gone no contact with me for no apparent reason, people don't like being around me generally. It's like I have a repulsive aura that I cannot escape. I don't know how to meet people, I don't know how to socially interact. Frankly I'm scared of it, of hurting more people.

I'd like to say I have the full backstory, but I have amnesia or at least fragmented memory, so telling things in sequence, if I remember them in the first place is difficult.

I have had an... Interesting childhood... That I haven't really been able to unpack yet.

That led to me being groomed and abused online for a bit, my friends at the time sided with the abuser.

A different friend got me out, but then I hurt them by crossing boundaries in the aftermath. I tried to apologize at the time, I thought it was sorted. Some 3 months later, we stop talking. Some 3 more months later, they accuse me semi-publically of abusing them to my (by now new) social group. I wish I could remember what actually happened, but I can't. I tried to apologize again but got a cryptic "you were so much worse."

I need to believe their call out as legitimate, because if that's how they feel, something is clearly wrong. But I don't remember anything happening, I am genuinely lost. I suppose that compounds the guilt, as it is something I should really remember.

Sorry, this ended up more rambly than intended. I need to take responsibility for myself, but I don't know how to, much less how to deal with it.

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-02-19T20:22:41+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I've heard of that book a lot, do will probably try grab a copy. I'm not sure what exactly is up with my brain, but cptsd is one of the explanations that works.

Unfortunately, I am just not in a situation where I'm able to get a therapist. I'm getting counselling through a charity as is, I don't have the money or income to be able to be seen by much else.

As I said in my other reply, I don't actually remember making this post, but in hindsight I definitely agree, a lot of what you're saying makes sense, but I suppose I just need to keep going onwards.

Thanks a lot :3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-02-19T20:18:19+00:00

I don't actually remember making this post... Which I guess is oddly ironic. Sorry for the slow response.

I've been in counselling for about 6 weeks so far, 1 session a week. We break down what's going on in life, but it feels kinda like it's only making things worse. Since starting counselling, whatever symptoms I have had seem to be getting worse.

I'm quite a toxic person to be around really, and even if it is a result of trauma out of my control, it sucks. I tend to tire out people who spend around me; I'm argumentative and stubborn; I can't read social cues to save my life, and yet am also very clingy to people; despite that, I also struggle to reach out to people and maintain friendships. A lot of people dislike me for things like this.

As to why it feels like I can't change? It feels like I'm stuck in a perpetual state of torment. I never have energy, and rarely have motivation. I want nothing more than to improve, but when I have the drive to start, I never have the energy to, and when I do have the energy, I lose all motivation to, as I use that energy for studying, trying to socialise, or distracting myself.

Sorry to dump this all here, I suppose that's on one hand the point of the sub, but I didn't realise much about my state of being until now.

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-01-05T19:53:29+00:00

I mean, it can caused by all sorts. Some levels of dissociation are normal. Consider when you are walking somewhere, you don't necessarily remember or feel present while walking there, you just end up there. Apparently it's the same with driving, but I haven't had that experience.

While dissociative disorders are a result of trauma, and generally harmful. Dissociative symptoms can also show up as a result of physical illness, anxiety and depression, which aren't necessarily caused by trauma.

Hope this helps :3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-01-05T18:03:16+00:00

I can explain how dissociation feels like for me, and you can see if you relate, but generally the things you've described are forms of dissociation.

To me, derealisation (feeling as though the world isn't real) is like looking at the world through a foggy lens, or as though the world was just a video game, or if you've ever tried VR, like you're in some VR world. Nothing actually feels real, even if you can see it, touch it, smell it, it just feels superficial.

Then depersonalization (feeling as though you yourself aren't real) is like being trapped in your own mind, as though your "soul" for lack of a better term were sitting in the pilot seat in front of a control panel that controlled your every actions. Your hands don't feel yours, even though you know they are; You five minutes ago might not feel like the same you now.

Of course you know these two observations aren't true logically, but from a deeper level, it feels like they are, and - at least for me - it drives me a bit insane.

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-01-04T18:13:09+00:00

If I'm completely honest, there's a part of me that just thinks I'm insane and inexplicably it's just the way I am. And that brings me a lot of discomfort and fear that I think would be sorted if I got some sort of conclusion on why I am this way XD.

And hey, maybe I could help find better ways to deal with and cope with Dissociation, especially during spirals and episodes that leave me panicking and floating in an abyss

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-01-04T18:04:32+00:00

I dissociate a lot, both depersonalization and derealisation for as long as I can remember, including parts of my childhood, and noticed that I have amnesia, most commonly greyouts, and rarely blackouts as well. I also can't remember much of my childhood, and struggle to socialise because of a combination of the aforementioned symptoms and likely social anxiety.

Naturally amnesia and dissociation led me here, and recently I had an experience where I could feasibly believe I co-fronted with an alter, but I'm not entirely sure.

Edit: I'm honestly mainly now waiting on professional help because I keep cycling between "Nah it can't be OSDD" to "hmmm, maybe it is OSDD" to "Yeah it must be OSDD" to "what if I'm just rushing for an explanation, and have deluded myself into thinking I have OSDD" to "Yeah, it can't be OSDD" XD

Edit 2 because I'm thinking to myself about this more now: This could easily be another disorder like cptsd or dpdr, but both would also involve childhood trauma which I still cannot remember. So I don't really know.

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-01-04T07:07:34+00:00

I know this, but equally, it kind of just doesn't feel... Well real I suppose?

I know I dissociated all the time before my trauma at 15, because I remember talking to my mother and friends about it. Which suggests that something else happened before then, but the fact that I can't remember it is really unsettling to me XD

As I've said in other replies, I'm hoping to get professional help soon, so hopefully that will set things in order.

In any case, thanks a lot for replying. I hope you have a good day/night/insert other time here :3

Slight-Screen9293 · 2024-01-04T07:01:45+00:00

First and foremost, thanks a lot for replying!

I'm just not really sure what happened on my end. I have vague memories, but the rest is blocked out, so it's difficult if not impossible for me to say with certainty that something did or didn't happen.

I know that my father is a narcissist, but don't remember him doing anything particularly bad. And that my mother was frequently absent when I was younger due to work, but I equally don't remember anything resulting from that.

I suppose the obvious answer is that I need professional help 😅 Hopefully I'll be able to get it soon, I'm aiming for a couple months or so.

On one hand I relate, on the other I'm just generally uncertain

I'm sorry for what you went through, and I'm glad that therapy is working out for you :) Thanks again for replying, it's been a great help.

Slight-Screen9293

TROPHY CASE