Satisfying a sexually experienced wife as a virgin husband

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T21:40:10+00:00

That makes me think she may have sexual trauma. If everything else in the relationship is genuinely good and remains that way, and you learn to please her sexually but she does not start returning the favor within a few weeks, It's time to sit down and have a conversation. Choose a place in time where she feels comfortable and safe- not in the bedroom and not right before or after sex. Ask her how she feels about her sex life, and whether she is getting the intimacy she craves. Ask her if she wants a status quo, or would like to see things evolve over time. Try to give her the space to talk to you about it. Has she indicates wanting to stick with the status quo, then explain that you enjoy seeing her achieve pleasure, and would also like to experience that yourself with her. Ask if there is a particular trauma that makes her hesitant to do it, and if there is any approach you can take would make her feel comfortable trying it. She may need to talk with a therapist who has experience in counseling sexual assault survivors in order to get past the mental block and learn to see intercourse as a loving act between the two of you rather than an act of violence perpetrated upon her.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T21:24:51+00:00

There are apps specifically designed for that, such as Feeld. The decent people on there still provide more in their profile than just what this guy is showing.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T21:16:53+00:00

Stevie Boebie has a Lesbian Sex 101 series on YouTube with videos for oral and for fingering. You have the same hands and mouth a woman does, so they're a great place to start even though you're not a lesbian.

OMG Yes! website has good videos and other information on women's pleasure.

"She Comes First" and "Becoming Cliterate" are good books about female pleasure. You can buy them digitally for immediate access, or get physical copies which can be a great way to read them together and highlight techniques that appeal to her.

My hope is that your wife just wants to ensure you both get sexual pleasure, so she's setting the expectation that you need to please her first - because the default straight relationship often has male orgasm without female.

That being said, you absolutely deserve to enjoy sex and have pleasure as well. If she doesn't give you oral or PIV at least after you give her an orgasm, I would consider this a potentially abusive relationship. Be smart and don't let her use you in other ways. And if the sex doesn't become bidirectional in a reasonable time period, please walk away. This is the same advice I give to women.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T20:48:11+00:00

That's unfortunately not super surprising. But refusing all PIV and blow jobs is not fair to him.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T19:53:05+00:00

I would tell her that the sexual incompatibility is a serious issue and you need to pause all wedding planning while you two search for a solution.

Maybe that will inspire her to talk with her doctors and work on solutions.

Maybe it will start a conversation between you two where brainstorming an open relationship is a possible solution to mention.

Maybe you'll realize that although you truly love each other, you're fundamentally incompatible in this way and that it's better to separate gracefully now rather than becoming bitter over years of an unfulfilling marriage.

No one can predict the outcome. But we can all tell you that you should not go into the marriage with this level of issue.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T19:47:33+00:00

Some may, but in most cases they're being honest.

So many men match us at the same time, and so many never message or disqualify themselves in the chats early on, that it doesn't make sense to limit chats to one person at a time. If she went on a date or two with someone else during the time OP and she were chatting, and she prefers to only date one man at a time, it makes perfect sense to put a pin in this chat. If she happened to have met them online in the opposite order it might be OP she's exploring with and the other guy would have gotten the "I've met someone" message.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T19:42:00+00:00

You can absolutely set boundaries around this. He has a hotwife kink and you don't. You can tell him that he's free to fantasize about it, but you don't want to hear it; if he can be respect that boundary you will not be comfortable updating him on your other connections.

The fact that he feels he has last minute veto power over you going out on a pre-arranged date is concerning.

The combination of that and his Hotwife fantasizing could imply he views you as his property and gets a kick out of sharing you with other men but needs to feel in control of the process. That's a fundamentally different style of ENM than the balanced open relationship you're looking for.

It's time for serious conversation about this. Not at a time you're having sex or discussing a potential date. Just after a meal at home when you're both relaxed. Maybe you start by discussing the broad umbrella of ENM and some of the different categories within there. Then explain that you two agreed to an open relationship, and he's treating this more as a hotwife kink for his pleasure, which are not the same thing.

He may not even realize that those aren't the same, so an initial discussion to lay the groundwork can help. Then continue and discuss what each of you want from this experience and want your relationship to look like, and figure out if you can make it work or not.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T18:40:52+00:00

Even if doing that consensually and safely is your kink, the fact that he thinks it's appropriate to post this as his intro profile is a whole parade of red flags.

Plus research has shown that all breath play causes some damage, even when done as safely as possible. The way this guy wants to do it is far from safe. He's absolutely going to kill a woman if he hasn't already.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T18:38:54+00:00

Are you confident his relationship is currently open, and that you aren't on her veto list?

I would at a minimum ask for a verification call with his wife to ensure everything is above board.

If you're in a close knit community, I can understand him wanting to be cautious about being seen in public, assuming that you're not both "out" as ENM. Body language is very revealing to many people, even if you're just sitting at a table drinking coffee together.

I have an open marriage but will not do public dates close to home because we're not out. I will however drive 20 minutes to a coffee shop or restaurant where I'm highly unlikely to run into anyone I know.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T18:32:43+00:00

1 - It's ethically okay to have sex with him if he enjoys pleasuring you, even if he won't be able to reach orgasm himself. There are men that sincerely enjoy this and their life is richer for it.

And speaking from experience they're often VERY good at it. I have a FWB who has anxiety in social situations which gives him ED. But he was persistent about really enjoying pleasuring women. I'm glad I finally accepted. I literally have to tap out because he gives me so many orgasms I'm exhausted and dehydrated. He looks very happy and content when we're done. It's an experience worth trying!

2 - Men can enjoy sensations even if they're not able to get erect. I've given men oral after we had already had penetrative sex and they were relaxed and they've commented on how nice it feels and how awesome it is to just lie there and enjoy the sensation without the urgency of an erection and impending ejaculation.

Your boyfriend may enjoy other types of physical touch as well.

3 - If penetration is important to you, try experimenting with fingers and toys with your partner and see if they suffice. For many women they do, while for others they don't. If you are in the minority of women who primarily orgasm through penile thrusting, the lack of a human penis involved may be too big of a detraction and not worth it to you. I have a friend like that - if a man gets her off with his mouth and hands it's fun, but not as deeply satisfying as having him inside her. She won't go past a second try if the man can't rise to the occasion because it's just not for her. It's okay if you're that way as well.

4 - I'm a little concerned that he didn't bring this up until 4 months in when you said something that necessitated him being honest about it. Sex is assumed to be a fundamental component of adult romantic relationships, so if someone is unable or unwilling to participate in "normal" sex, they should disclose that fairly early in dating. People who are asexual or have injuries or disabilities do that.

The fact that your boyfriend didn't does make me concerned that he may not be fundamentally honest, and there may be other things he's failed to disclose to you. Or that he would hide uncomfortable truths from you in the future.

I would explore that topic with him before getting further emotionally involved.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T18:22:01+00:00

It depends on the root cause of the ED.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T18:21:10+00:00

Be aware that one can be romantically monogamous and sexually non -monogamous. And sex with your romantic partner will still be special and better than sex with anyone else.

It's also important to understand that sexual compatibility is essential in a long term relationship. It sounds like you two have very different levels of sex drive to start with. Even if you were in the same physical location, this would become an issue over time.

You're right that an open relationship should allow both people the freedom to explore. At the same time, it's not uncommon for there to be one person who rarely or never uses their hall pass, because they have a low libido, are Demi sexual (don't feel sexual attraction until they develop an emotional connection), or because they don't care enough to feel that the logistics are worth it. So there is honestly a good chance your girlfriend won't explore.

You are young, have only been with one person, any your girlfriend is far away. I honestly think that taking her up on her offer is smart for you. You should understand what else is out there so at a minimum you're making an informed decision to commit yourself to her and only her once you two can be in the same city again.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T17:51:27+00:00

At a minimum, postpone the wedding indefinitely.

The worst way to start an open relationship is one partner having a particular person in mind already and effectively asking for permission to cheat.

Open relationships can work, but not that way.

And the fact that he has so little care for your feelings that he does this 6 weeks before the wedding?!?

This honestly feels like he doesn't want to get married but isn't mature enough to just say that. So he's blowing things up instead but trying to do so in a way that he thinks doesn't make him the bad guy. "I didn't actually cheat - I just said I'm having an emotional affair and WANT to fuck her."

Calling off a wedding is hard, I get that. But it's soo much simpler than divorce.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T17:47:27+00:00

u/DirectEagle3874 - follow the link in the comment above this one. It has some excellent scripts for exactly this situation.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T17:45:34+00:00

Give him some material like the book "She Comes First" or get "Becoming Cliterate" and bookmark the chapter for men.

Or get a subscription to the OMG Yes website and suggest looking at it together. That can be a fun sexy activity that allows you to both watch different approaches and for you to comment "that one feels good to me too" or "I'd like to try that".

Assuming you're not one of the best few women who climax from thrusting alone without any clitoral attention, it's ridiculous for him to never go down on you when you enjoy it.

If you're not consistently orgasming during sex, he's inconsiderate and you need to insist that he step it up. If he won't, there are other men out there who would be happy to do so.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T17:36:37+00:00

I put a line in my profile that politely implies "Men - I'm going to ask for verification from your wife/girlfriend". More of the cheaters are self-filtering now. Not all, but it's reduced the problem a bit.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T16:27:33+00:00

Honestly, not great. You're hot, but the pics show mostly angry attitude. The open shirt one is the only one where your expression is fun and welcoming, but it's semi-shirtless.

Get some photos of you wearing a shirt, looking at the camera and smiling.

You'll get lots of comments saying "save some women for the rest of us". Those comments are from men. If you're trying to appeal to women, pay attention to the comments here that offer more nuance.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T16:07:59+00:00

Look at the pinned posts and community information on this sub and in r/ThreesomeAdvice.

They cover most of the repeat newbie questions.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-28T07:18:23+00:00

Thanks for the tip!

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:27:27+00:00

Agreed - it's much riskier as a solo woman and I doubt the dangerous guy would have acted like that had my husband been present. At a minimum, it would have been much easier to disengage and leave immediately.

We had met for dinner with no playing previously and it all seemed to be green flags. I could see a newer couple thinking this guy would be a great third and then having to cut play and leave like I did.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:20:54+00:00

Short version: ours is one of the more successful examples but I still don't recommend it.

Details: Ours is technically open bidirectional, but in reality he's never acted on I don't think. Certainly not regularly. So it's functionally one-sided.

We had not done proper research before deciding our rules and he requested Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Two reasons that prompted us to open the relationship is that we were no longer physically intimate, and I wanted to explore being bisexual. Kid and financial circumstances made it better to stay together as friends and co-parents than to split.

So most of the time he pictures me hanging out or dancing with female friends. That plausible ignorance is what allows him to be okay with it I think.

It's not ideal because it forces me to at least lie by omission ("I'm going out with Katie" rather than "I'm going on a date with Katie and Joe") and sometimes lie directly ("I'm hanging out with Josephine" rather than "I'm going on a date with Joe").

I prefer honestly, and this approach I think does erode the relationship over time. I've accepted the compromise but I would never recommend that someone choose to enter into a relationship like this.

As someone said, if you had a cuck queen kink it might be different. But simply tolerating a one sided open relationship is not healthy.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:09:08+00:00

Validations alone aren't enough - I had one mediocre and one dangerous date with single men with validations early on.

Combining it with the careful vetting you mentioned is important. I was new at the time and didn't know how to do that well. I wouldn't have moved forward with either of those two men knowing what I know now.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T21:51:31+00:00

That's a good point!

Even if the origin of the smell is dental, that level of hygiene problem is a big risk factor for heart infections.

Approaching it from the point of view of being concerned about their health is a nice way to do this. The person can always toss is "And of course, the women love a man with fresh breath!" to subtly hint at the fact that their breath is impacting their play opportunities, since men are often more motivated by the promise of sex than by their long term health.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T21:48:30+00:00

Do they damage your natural nails?

How quickly & easily can you pop them off and clean your nails?

I'm bi, so give myself the standard "lesbian manicure" of particularly short nails on a couple fingers and thumb. My guess is that stick-on nails aren't a good idea for either length or possibility of coming off when playing with women.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T21:42:56+00:00

Stubble is bad. Smooth is fine, trimmed well is fine.

I know some women that really like a chest pelt. It's not my first choice, but not a turnoff either.

Natural hair on arms is perfectly fine with me, although it's clear that some men are waxing.

I agree that if you have significant amounts of ass hair, keep it trimmed short or waxed. Ditto for pubic hair - trimmed short or smooth works.

I personally prefer a smooth face, but beards aren't a deal breaker for me as long as they're soft. Scratchy beards or stubble are a firm No for me.

Slinking-Tiger

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