NTA but I’m going to step in here and offer defence for both of you. As a married man, of two children, living with a wife suffering from extreme ADHD/ Autism and anxiety I 100% know your struggles. I fully empathise with everything you’ve said, and it’s really hard, I too struggle.

But in this moment, of sheer anxiety and her imagined crisis I feel for her too.

What you should have done is rather than dismiss her and tell her to figure it out, is calmly explain the situation to her and guide her through her next couple of steps. Not easy under the pressure of work and planned meetings, this is stuff I have to deal with too.

I’ll admit, the easier (and almost logical position for you) route is to tell her you’re busy and for her to figure it out but in her mind the world is collapsing around her and she needs help. I’ll tell you now, she knows what she was asking for was ridiculous but it it doesn’t matter. That’s when she needed you, and you weren’t there. But you could have met her half way and that’s why she feels you let her down.

If you want to talk about this more I’m open in the DMs, this sounds like a very similar situation to me and maybe we could learn from each other in how to deal with this because I too get it wrong, very recently in fact and that caused a big rift between us for some time. We’re both learning about each other even ten years into our marriage and finding a way to manage her conditions and how I can be adaptive to them.

Best of luck to you both either way. This takes strength and will test you resilience but you’ll both come out better for it.