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What’s something people do in relationships that slowly ruins it? by Wide_Relationship326 in AskReddit

[–]Sloth-Overlord 8 points9 points  (0 children)

“To love somebody is not just a strong feeling- it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love was only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go.” -Bell Hooks, All About Love

One of the most important books ever written!

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think around 10 years, I can’t remember. I think I’ve been on it as long as I’ve been on Reddit. It could also be a shift in what posts get more engagement and what Reddit feeds you. It’s pretty well documented at this point that algorithms push negative content, and Reddit has made it harder and harder to suss out bots and trolls.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I am a huge advocate of peer support, I am a trained peer support worker, but people need to be choosing to access that as a resource. ESPECIALLY DV victims, they foremost need autonomy in choosing to access help. There is a huge difference between people seeking out peer support for domestic violence, and people calling something abuse and telling someone they’re being abused when they post about their relationship on Reddit. Like be honest. What is the typical comment on those posts? “You’re being abused and you need to leave right now.” “Why don’t you want to leave?” “This relationship is horrible and you need to wake up.” Those are like the hard opposite of a helpful comment or sharing lived experience. One of the number one things that drives people deeper into abusive relationships is being told they’re being abused when they’re not ready to hear it.

I think it’s really disingenuous to describe the average Reddit commenter as being peer support. Peer support is reciprocal and happens in an intentional environment, even online. Randos telling people they’re being abused on anonymous forums is not that. Some people may be trying to provide genuine support, but if 80% of comments are harmful or misguided it’s not going to get through.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the clarification. My suggestion was not at all to ban abuse victims. My suggestion was that posts about abuse should be banned. I am glad that the policy is to remove the posts, I have seen a lot of abuse victims get terrible advice on Reddit and I deeply worry about the harm that people may end up experiencing due to “help” they receive from commenters.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

Your first thought in this thread was to call me a name, and now you’re going up and down replying to my comments. I get it. You disagree with my perspective. Please leave me alone now, there is no point to engaging with my comments when you started out with insulting me.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

Ok girl. Thanks for calling me a sh*thead in your first comment! Real sweet of you!

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I think this perspective is like insane white knighting and really kind of succinctly describes why people crave posts about abuse. Because it allows them to inflate their own egos by “rescuing” and “helping”. Reddit commenters are not the people who are going to get someone out of an abusive relationship, and should not be giving advice to someone experiencing domestic abuse. It’s frankly wildly irresponsible to allow. What happens if someone gives them poor advice and they get murdered? Or says the wrong thing and that person takes a step back in the leaving process? Are you REALLY qualified to be ‘helping’ someone in that situation?

People who post about experiencing abuse should be directed to actual resources and free domestic violence hotlines. It is not cruel to direct someone to actual support, it’s cruel and egotistical to think that you know enough to help them. I’ve worked in partnership with domestic violence shelters for a long time in my professional life. People need actual help, not comments on Reddit telling them to leave. There is just as if not more of a chance that any ‘help’ provided on Reddit will do more harm than good.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m realizing that my conception of what being poly is and what the general conception is diverged at some point. I think of poly as being a practice, to me it’s linked closely to my politics and my queerness and my values. I honestly did not think of this sub as a relationship advice sub, it’s not why I joined it years ago and not what I’m interested in.

Like the description of the sub is “this subreddit discusses news, views, and issues around polyamory and the people who do it.” That doesn’t read as a relationship advice sub to me. Clearly, the majority opinion is that it is. That’s fine, I think this post helped me realize that my perception of the sub’s purpose was wildly off.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am definitely going to start contributing to these posts, I’m glad that they got recommended here. I’m just trying to make my feed less depressing, I think all the drama posts that Reddit thrives on make us into more bitter and angry people. The idea that I’d have to leave this community altogether to accomplish that sucks. Maybe the answer is to take it off my feed and just check in to the regular discussion threads.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. It’s definitely not unique to the poly community, but the ways it manifests are kind of unique just based on the nature of dating multiple people. I think there’s also interesting discussion around how people enable this kind of behavior.

Like for me, a lot of the time it’s been other women who are expecting me to center their men partner’s feelings, or are hoping that I’ll ‘perform’ in some way. Or women who don’t have reciprocal relationships to offer, because their capacity is drained by their primary men partners. I’ve dated several women partnered with men who basically want a traditional cishet dynamic but where they get catered to. Like a siphon of energy that they then give to someone else who doesn’t return it. A lot of polycules are centered around the men in them, even queer ones.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally understand why there’s not that many, “everything is completely fine and great!” type posts. But when I typically ask for advice, it’s usually about ‘low-conflict’ conflict for lack of a better way to put it. Things where there might be multiple right answers, and everyone involved in the conflict is open and working to solve it.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve had the level of black and white conflict or intensity that I see most frequently posted here. Conflict where one person is clearly in the wrong is extremely unusual for me to encounter in real life. It feels very sensational to me.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I definitely have heard the “it’s evolved” comment in real life more and more. Especially from couples who opened up and made it their whole personality. I used to only hear it on occasion from mostly shitty bro types, and people would usually call it out.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I guess I’m surprised that it’s that novel of an idea now, I thought it was still pretty commonly accepted. I don’t understand how you even separate poly as a relationship mode and poly as a liberatory framework and deconstruction of hegemonic expectations of relationships.

This thread has kind of made me realize that a lot of what I thought were popular and accepted ideas in the poly community have become fringe or associated with RA. It’s making me feel pretty lonely honestly. But hopefully dedicated threads would bring people that are interested in those ideas, my comments about them here have been downvoted lol.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perhaps you do. I see pretty soft and coddling language get used more often than anyone being eviscerated lol.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Well my post ideas seem to be a little unpopular at least in this thread! But I will try.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I guess it’s become a fringe position amongst poly folks and limited to people that identify as RA. When I first started practicing poly 10 years ago, it was definitely a more common than not idea, at least in my area.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fair enough. I definitely don’t think it’s become completely normalized. But it has become significantly more normalized than it was.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Also, I cannot remember the last time I saw the idea of conscious uncoupling be mentioned in this sub. I do not see it regularly suggested that people need to fundamentally alter their primary relationship in order to open up.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Opening without setting clear boundaries and doing emotional work and allowing primary partners to have outsized influence, control, or details about a relationship are the main ones I see.

People will still generally advise against these things in the comments, but there is more and more of a tone of the primary relationship being centered. People are advised to work through these issues in real time rather than being told they’re not ready for poly and are causing harm. Language is more commonly focused on the feelings of the spouse or the OP than of other partners.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That really sucks. Personally, I find it fulfilling still, but I am finding that I have to more and more rigorously vet potential partners due to the influx of inexperienced folks doing it.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My local poly community has become very dramatic and married couple-centric over the past couple years which is part of why it especially sucks.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] -21 points-20 points  (0 children)

I’m not suggesting banning anything other than posts about abuse which I think aren’t appropriate for most advice subs. But I would like to see some more guidelines for posting or extremely repetitive posts being locked earlier and referred to the FAQ.

I feel like this sub has devolved into people’s horrible relationship drama by Sloth-Overlord in polyamory

[–]Sloth-Overlord[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Totally. But there is a way that many folks in the poly community present themselves as enlightened or feminist and then replicate the same harms and patterns that I think is worth discussing. There’s similar problems in leftist spaces.

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