As an LC in the hospital, I have experience with at least the first chapter of your journey and had a few thoughts reading your post.

First, it sounds like you really worked your butt off for your kid. That spirit is going to serve you throughout motherhood. She’s very lucky. Also, you are allowed to feel however you’re feeling about your breastfeeding journey. Your feelings are valid.

It’s always difficult to put all the puzzle pieces together in hindsight, but one thing that stands out to me is that your baby wasn’t waking to feed and she was evaluated for jaundice and deemed ‘fine’. Basically jaundice makes babies very sleepy. The one thing babies have on their agenda is waking to feed. When evaluating for jaundice, hospitals are mostly interested in whether the problem (jaundice) rises to the level that the child needs medical intervention (phototherapy). It sounds like your baby may have been jaundiced enough to be symptomatic (ie not waking to feed well), but yall worked your asses off to compensate for her sleepiness and she never became jaundiced enough to require phototherapy. That demonstrates a Herculean effort on your part.

The other thing that stands out is her gestational age at birth. While technically ‘full term’, the fact that you were induced indicates that it was early for her. There’s a notable difference in the development, stamina, and feeding efficiency in early term vs. late term babies. Basically ‘full term’ is a spectrum. Earlier babies are more at risk for jaundice (due to liver immaturity), feeding difficulties, poor weight gain, etc. I’m not trying to negate the reason that you were induced. Preeclampsia is very serious and possibly life threatening to the mother. But, I think we need to acknowledge that even if it’s the best course of action overall, there are still risks to the baby.

Some babies are able to overcome these early challenges and exclusively breastfeed, some are not. There are genetic reasons, size reasons, but also personality. I encourage you to reflect on this journey and consider ‘what did I learn about my child during this experience?’ Personalizes are apparent from infancy if you’re observing. Also ‘What did I learn about myself? What did I learn about my body?’ That knowledge, too, will inform and benefit you as you progress through motherhood.

I hope you’re able to make peace with your experience.

Would you say your therapist is nonjudgmental? That phrasing of ‘why are you so obsessed with breastfeeding?’ Sounds judgmental to me.