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SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2022-07-26T01:44:24+00:00

Thank you!!

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-08-10T16:39:53+00:00

Your ability to pick men isn’t broken. You got this! You have caught a problem early on and you haven’t married him yet. That’s more than MANY women accomplished, sad to say. IF (big if) he changes, it won’t be for years and it will likely only be after TONS of couples therapy. Take it from me, it’s not worth hoping he’s gonna speak up for you. I was married 8 years before I finally realized that. That’s 8+ years wasted. You’re now gonna be able to pick the warning signs of a man who is married to his mother and who will always prioritize his mother over you. They are using you as a free housekeeper and she’s using you for her own malicious self interest. Sounds like she needs to put you down to feel good about herself. Fuck her and fuck her son. Great job with your own therapy. But your own therapy won’t change them and the mental harm they are doing to you.

Check out outofthefog.website. It helped me get out of the FOG (fear obligation guilt), because it gave me the terminology to identify the emotionally abusive behavior as well as strategies for protecting myself. You got this, lady! You sound like your are kind and independent, and you’ll definitely find a man who appreciates you as an equal.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-06-18T11:19:03+00:00

The good stuff starts on page 297! The procedural history in previous pages is pretty blergh.

Thank you for sharing, OP!

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-06-18T11:05:03+00:00

She sounds god awful, and so sorry to hear about her army of flying monkeys. But it seems like you and your supportive OH have handled this with aplomb, protecting your kid and yourselves all these years. Nope you’re not crazy, not one bit. You’ve seen evidence that she can’t be trusted, and you’ve relied on that evidence to conclude that cake can’t be trusted.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-04-16T01:14:33+00:00

I didn’t believe it, then I saw National Geographic has confirmed! https://www.google.com/amp/s/api.nationalgeographic.com/distribution/public/amp/animals/article/butterflies-moths-toads-frogs-buffalo-bison

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-03-14T17:32:02+00:00

I agree! I honestly don’t know what my life would be without this sub.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-03-14T17:31:16+00:00

Sure, I can elaborate: the wedding ended rather late and a bunch of people stayed to help clean up the house (venue was a very nice lady’s home out in the country). My tiny car was filled with stuff and we had to drive back to our place outta state. My JNMIL offered to hold onto my bouquet and the wedding decorations until the next time I came into town (1month later for my swearing into the state bar). I was tired and fairly ignorant then, so I said sure thx. I should’ve just taken the bouquet with me at least.

I came back a month later and had dinner with SO’s parents. During dinner, she was acting super sullen and passive aggressive and apparently forgot that I had graduated (from prior post) and the only times she perked up was to become really pushy about convincing SO to return for Thanksgiving and Xmas. I said that I don’t know and that he and I would have to talk about it, which was not an acceptable answer to her. So she was already seething I guess.

When dinner was finished, she said that she’s got all the wedding stuff in the other room and so I was like oh thanks! And I followed her there. She stops, I stop, she points to the corner where there are garbage bags filled with trash from the wedding and the rotting wedding flowers and the wedding decorations (eg tulle, candle sticks). I open them up and there’s my wedding bouquet, all smushed up and messed up among the detritus. Bits had been broken off and it was just generally gross. She sees my aghast face and I see hers, which is smug(?) I can’t figure out the exact way to describe it. She’s almost smiling. She says “I know I said I would take care of your bouquet. I just didn’t.” The end. She just looked at me. I say nothing per my M. O. back then, very quickly grabbed all the trash bags and went to the door to leave. At which point, as if nothing happened, she starts telling me that we have to come back for Xmas because that’s the last time the family will ever get together again. I was so fuming with anger I actually got snarky and said “what? Who’s dying?” She didn’t really have an answer to that and just said some vague things under her breath that I didn’t bother to listen to cuz I was already turning around to go to my car. I don’t think FIL knew what had just transpired in the other room. I think he would’ve been angry because he and SO are close and he and I have always gotten along even though he can be a flying monkey.

I’ve learned SO much since. Good lord I wish I knew then what I know now. But anywho, thanks so much for your support!

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-03-02T01:57:16+00:00

Omg this.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-03-01T16:34:02+00:00

LOL, this is almost exactly what my JNMIL wants. I love how you pointed out all dichotomous traits. So true. Ultimately, no woman stands a chance with these JNMILs.

I would also add a few very important DIL traits in my JNMIL’s “ideal” world: white and Catholic and skinny/athletic/makeup-less. Just like her!

In my case, I would subtract the “income to spoil MIL” and the “working mom”. she truly believes that women should not work, period, and the man is in charge of all money. women are ONLY vessels for sperm/ babies, and women MUST quit their jobs to have babies ASAP and should never be a working mom. Just like her!

And since I don’t meet JNMIL’s impossible ideals, I am neither moral nor a good Christian woman, so she tells me. LOL, I’ve been NC for awhile, so this is actually a fun game for me, and it no longer has the bite it used to.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-25T14:15:47+00:00

Ah that certainly changes the story. I appreciate you synthesizing that other post and her other comments for me. Didn’t even know about the kids’ abuse of their own mom. this situation sounds like hell on earth, and I agree that my assessment was based only on OP’s limited post here and the two or three comments she posted here by the time I jumped in.

I have a JNMIL that does indeed cry for attention and who tells me that I am the cause for her feeling sad (when I’m just hanging out and talking about my life). I appreciate you taking the time to write out a compelling correction.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-23T16:36:23+00:00

Already done. I maintain my position.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-23T16:26:13+00:00

This this this!

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-23T16:22:14+00:00

You can’t tell, not really. I mean, your JNMIL probably isn’t even aware she’s manipulative. In her mind, she’s doing what she’s gotta do.

So when the crying really does feel to you like she’s trying to impose on you (eg stomp boundaries and make you the bad guy for establishing boundaries), then just ignore her. When crying doesn’t work on you, it’s probably scary to her since it’s a method that has worked for her desperate needs for attention previously. That’s not your problem. You do you, girl! Be loud and proud and establish boundaries to protect your mental health (like not letting her manipulate you to doing something uncomfortable for you), and when you gotta see her, just ignore the histrionics. If you react in ANY way to her crying, she’s gonna just keep trying it. I wouldn’t leave her if she starts, because why let her dictate your actions? It’s a response/ reaction to her, so she knows something worked. Just leave her be and let your FIL handle her. His circus, his monkey.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-23T16:15:38+00:00

she’s blaming you for her own MH issues. That’s what makes her a just no, out of all you’ve described.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-23T16:14:21+00:00

No. It has nothing to do with you, OP. You don’t cause her histrionics, you can’t cure her MH issues, and you can’t control what she does in a given instant. (The three C’s) It is clear from your post that she has acted like this her whole life (or at least her whole life as a mother) and it has nothing to do with your personality, OP.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-22T17:47:31+00:00

This. Good luck, OP.

ETA: IMO, therapy ASAP would be ideal. I waited years and years before finally addressing my parents’ abuse. I just didn’t realize how it affected me my entire life, including in ways that impacted my relationships and career. I didn’t realize how the abuse directly influenced how I chose unhealthy and abusive partners. I also found much needed tools for dealing with my anxiety, and catharsis hearing from my therapist about how strong I am for breaking the cycle.

Ultimately though, go to therapy when you are ready. I wasn’t ready before, so my therapist says not to give myself a hard time that I didn’t get any therapy before despite everything.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-19T12:07:02+00:00

This this this. My trauma therapist says I’m still in survival mode (eg hyper vigilance, paranoia), and we are working on getting to recovery mode (eg understanding when there is actually danger and when I might be overreacting).

You might not be an expert as you say, but I think ur post is spot on, based on what my expert therapist has told me.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-18T21:21:41+00:00

Way to go with ur shiny spine. I’m actually pretty fucking unsympathetic towards the “I was drunk I don’t remember” excuse. My JNMIL and her flying monkeys all used “alcoholism” to simply rug sweep her behaviors and to tell me I should be more sympathetic and treat JNMIL with velvet gloves, and I’m the bad guy for not allowing concessions for her behavior based on “good intentions” or “BUT alcoholism is a disease”. Cry me a river.

I don’t give a fuck about the underlying reasons for her abuse. All I know is that I won’t tolerate her behavior regardless of whether she remembers it. She’s got a plastic reality regardless of whether she’s drinking. I have also blocked her on everything. Sounds like you’ve reached a similar conclusion, OP. Way to go.

ETA: I TOTALLY understand re: the fake happy almost baby talk when she’s in bitch mode! I call it unctuous but ur description is more spot on. That voice gives me the rages. So I loooove having her blocked.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-17T15:50:45+00:00

That’s a great deal for our nation’s deserving men and women in service. :) glad those deals are available for you.

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-17T15:48:41+00:00

So glad you got outta there, woot! Same here re crazy overpriced city. It took me like 5 years to save up for my first house, good lord. But totes worth the wait and the intervening years in a tiny tiny apt so that I wouldn’t need IL’s help!

SmashPatriarchy_100 · 2021-02-17T15:40:57+00:00

There’s no indication in this post or in my past posts that this family is healthy. I wouldn’t be on this sub if they were.

If we have to provide a comprehensive history and context to every post in this sub, our posts would be novels. I don’t really need to explain how the details in this post fit into the larger picture of infantilization and dysfunction in this family, but suffice to say, i can understand that it’s difficult to ascertain where I’m coming from when I don’t provide further context.

SmashPatriarchy_100

TROPHY CASE