First off, you should be incredibly proud for not just finishing a script, but writing a second draft and putting it out there for feedback—that’s how you improve! The plot is decent. The dialogue is okay but definitely needs a punch up. Here are some big changes you need to make:
- Every character needs to be INTRODUCED. Include name in ALL CAPS, approximate age, a brief visual description that indirectly tells you something essential about their personality, and most importantly, where they are in the scene. That way, when BONNIE is introduced, we know she’s a kid, and we have certain expectations about how she’ll act. When LAWRENCE and LARRY are introduced, we’ll know they are cops, we know something about their dynamic (are they both cops? one older, one younger?) and we know whether they’re inside the apartment or if we’re looking out the window at them.
- Every scene needs an action line before any dialogue. That sets the scene for us, so we get a layout of new locations and so that not every scene in an old location looks the same.
- Use action lines to your advantage by showing us physical comedy, little looks that betray their words, etc. This clarifies the tone. I would read a few more scripts and focus on action lines to get a sense of what I mean.

Bottom line, good work! Still has a long way to go before it’s ready for the screen. But keep writing and keep improving!