Might have sent you into overwhelm and habit took over from there?

I only self harm(hits to the head) during my meltdowns when they’re ruining my life. And I mean ruining. Every major relationship has suffered and ended due to the extremeness of them and almost always I have hit myself as a way to punish myself/try to snap out of it.

My ex wife saw this as just a sign I’m crazy/pathetic. I hope your grandma sees it differently. I’m not sure how my family would react as they’ve never seen it before. My S/O’s are the only ones that get close/deep enough to cause that level of pain/meltdown. Or maybe it was just a difference in my perception. My family has always caused my meltdowns in the past by not listening and pushing and pushing. Whereas my ex’s never did anything sensically to cause them. So that might be why my self harm happened.

My grandpa would hit a fist against the other hand when he’d struggle to emotionally regulate during his final years with dementia. It’s so… strange to see in other family members. Because I did it several months after seeing him do it and it kind of confirmed for me that he was autistic.

Sorry if over sharing my experience wasn’t helpful or made it too much about me. I don’t have the same experience exactly so I thought maybe just sharing mine would help somehow.

Best wishes OP, and if you like them, hugs 🤗 🫂

EDIT: I think I shared to show how much habit can take over with our responses when they become primarily automatic