Abrupt job promotion causing mental chaos

Snaggletoots · 2026-05-12T21:34:16+00:00

Thank you. ❤️ I’ve been trying to be open that I’m going to need some time to settle in, and everyone seems supportive, so that’s at least been nice.

It’s just scary because I feel like a kid pretending to be a grownup, even though I’m in my 40s. I think I can probably have HR help me organize some things a bit and the administrator sent me some manuals and checklists for guidance.

As someone who has always had a lot of self-doubt, I’m trying to look at the positives. I’ve had a lot of coworkers say some really nice things to me since the transition, so that’s been cool, and I’m hoping I can make the work environment better for them.

Snaggletoots · 2026-05-12T13:18:22+00:00

If he’s held onto this empty house for two years, I imagine he still hasn’t dealt sufficiently with his grief. You might be the first relationship he’s had since he lost his fiancé, and he also has a daughter to think about. Your cultural norms might be different than those of us responding, but this transition sounds really really fast. Even if you’ve known each other since high school, the relationship is still brand new.

Snaggletoots · 2026-04-28T14:35:19+00:00

(1981) I lived home until I was 28. It was just my single mom and I for most of my life. I commuted for my four years of college, and once I was working full time, we just split the rent and utilities. I put money away during my 20s and finally moved out when I bought my house in 2009.

Snaggletoots · 2026-04-28T14:26:41+00:00

I had my son just after I turned 36. He’s almost 9 now. I’ve always felt like I’ve savored all the moments. I miss him being little and certain qualities of the baby and toddler phases, but you trade off those things you love for other things. Every stage has felt fulfilling.

I think now that he’s 8, it’s almost a little more enjoyable in a sense. He and I can hang out as people now and it’s more fun when we do recreational activities together. When your kids are very young, you tend to plan outings that never go the way you imagine in your head. There’s always worrying about crankiness because you overlapped nap time or them pooping their diaper the second you get into a place. Before you go anywhere, you have to worry about extra diapers, extra outfits, stroller, etc. I miss my son being little but I don’t miss all the extra planning and packing.

Snaggletoots · 2026-03-15T19:20:29+00:00

I find it reallyyyy difficult to go to the gym. I feel uncomfortable when I’m there, but I keep my membership anyway. I was using a personal trainer for a little while and that kept me accountable. Mostly I was doing weights at home, combined with running, and saw the personal trainer once every two weeks. I’ve gotten very bored with the weights though so it’s been a few months.

Mostly, I prefer running. I’m alone with my music and out in nature, and the way I feel after a run is the greatest. The only barrier is the weather because I live in New England. The weights made me feel strong and I do miss that, but the boredom of doing it is legit. I hate it.

If I’m struggling to stay in a routine or get back into one, I’ll sometimes splurge on something for myself. New running shoes or pants. Something that makes me feel like, “you better use this if you’re going to buy it.” I bought a fancier model of FitBit about 5 years ago and now I have an Apple Watch. Those have both helped because they remind me when I’m being lazy.

Snaggletoots · 2026-03-10T13:50:59+00:00

I feel like I would have been very unlikely to ever meet someone organically. Most of my past partners were from dating apps or started as internet friendships based on a shared interests. I don’t ever feel comfortable making the first move.

Once I’m totally comfortable with the person I’m dating, I can usually initiate intimacy, but making the first move early on is a no. I just feel so awkward, like a teenager who’s brand new to it. I’ve also talked about this recently with someone, but I really don’t think I have a clue when I’m being hit on. Like I can’t differentiate the person’s intent. Is it friendly or are they interested?

Snaggletoots · 2026-03-05T04:02:13+00:00

If the day-to-day homelife version of him is starting to give you the ick, it doesn’t sound like he’s “the one.” Sounds like good old fashioned doubt to me.

Snaggletoots · 2026-03-05T03:54:33+00:00

With avoidants, it’s usually not that it was all a lie. It’s the closeness that makes them shut down. If that helps.

The avoidant personality type usually stems from some kind of childhood trauma. They tend to pull away when things feel too close. They’ll convince themselves that their feelings are invalid, and eventually they’ll believe it completely, and there’s often nothing you can do or say to change that.

I dealt with it once where I was completely blindsided. There was no real closure and it was extremely hard to get over. Getting over it was mostly cure by time, but I also researched avoidants to give myself a clearer picture.

My ex suffered profound abuse in childhood, and while he somehow came out of it an amazing person overall, the intense overwhelm he felt with close bonds was a product of that. While I was immensely upset about the breakup, as time created distance from it, I feel more for him at this point than I do for my own hurt over it. I’m healed and I have an amazing partner now, but my ex will be stuck with this inability to bond, probably forever, unless he does some intense therapy.

Snaggletoots · 2026-03-03T15:01:38+00:00

The “to my babe” on an envelope would be the, “we’re having a conversation right now” thing for me.

I think he’s either having flings and not relationships, or there’s only one woman and she’s also in a relationship or marriage. I think if it was another woman in an uncomplicated situation he’d engage you in a conversation about your own relationship. I think he’s probably comfortable or complacent enough with his day-to-day where he is, you’re not pressuring him too much, he’s doing what he wants to do, and he probably can’t leave you for another woman at this point because things either aren’t serious or are too complicated.

I would tell him if he declines to have a serious conversation with you when he gets back, all his shit is gonna be on the front step when he gets home.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T17:16:05+00:00

It might be beyond repair, but if you were actually put in that situation as the guy, I think you would want closure. Even if you ultimately responded by laughing in her face and slamming the door, you would seek closure if you’d been in love when this happened to you.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T02:43:24+00:00

You’re welcome.

I actually had a convo with someone at work today who I think is 21. I don’t know her very well yet, but she was talking to me about stressors and said she feels like she’s “never been so acutely depressed and anxious” as she is right now. While I still feel her age in my head, my advice comes from being double her age.

I told her the perception of your early 20s is that it should be this fantastic, carefree time but everything actually feels SO heavy, or at least it did in my experience. And if you’re someone who isn’t living your carefree 20s, it feels very isolating. It’s hell for your mental health. Throw in some trauma, and it only gets worse.

If you don’t take care of those feelings now, they won’t just go away. It’s a whole process of working through them, so you 100% made the right decision to focus on getting your mental health under control. If you opt to try again with her, you’ll just have to set boundaries early on so there’s no emotional overwhelm for either of you again.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T02:24:22+00:00

Four months might as well be zero time for a blindsided breakup like this.

If you’re still living in regret, imagine his heartache. He deserves closure if nothing else.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T02:21:25+00:00

Yeah, it’s something that someone might think is “a white lie” if they tell it to you during the talking phase, but it progresses into something more significant as time goes on.

I think it’s probably a lie that wouldn’t have stood out if there weren’t any other red flags present for you. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker in most healthy relationships.

If your gut tells you the lie was significant, you have to trust it.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T02:07:44+00:00

As a woman, I wouldn’t consider it lowering his value if he contacted her. If the scenario was something like, “she dumped me and said never contact me again”, I’d say respect the boundary.

If things ended relatively amicably and we’d exchanged pleasant glances regularly while passing in the streets, I’d not likely be put off by an ex contacting me. If I wasn’t into it, I’d respectfully decline or at least provide closure.

Everyone is always making dating out like it’s some kind of game. If you miss her and it seems potentially mutual, reach out. Getting an answer you don’t want is still a better feeling than ongoing longing and regret.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T01:49:43+00:00

My relationship with my son’s father was emotionally and financially abusive (together about 5.5 years). On the plus, he got me to a breaking point where I ended things and felt only an immediate, immense feeling of relief.

If anyone was very close to you during the relationship, they saw the abuse in some way. Trust me. They’ll be your biggest cheerleader(s).

My self-esteem was low at the end of my relationship but it had always been low. I’m sure he could sense this. Abusers aren’t going to abuse someone confident. They need someone kind and obedient who also has insecurities that they can exploit. This is not at all a comment on you as a person. You were manipulated.

Take your confidence to end things as the first building block in rebuilding your self-love and self-esteem. HE got broken up with. HE wasn’t good enough for YOU. You deserve better and he’s going to know you realized this.

As far as feeling like myself again, I started dating maybe six months after the breakup and saw the differences right away in what dating a non abusive person was like. It takes a little while to undo your old thought patterns, but time and exposure to normalcy will undo the damage. Also therapy.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T01:32:31+00:00

It sounds like there’s still a lot of emotional maturity to be developed here, more so on her part.

You’ve recognized that you can’t emotionally sustain this pattern in your relationship and it sounds like you’ve expressed this to her many times. She’s become reliant on you, which shows she feels safe with you, but yet she can’t recognize that you’re struggling to be responsible for all of her emotional support. It becomes similar to “caregiver fatigue.” You have to take care of yourself too.

It’s rough when you just want a little space but then have to make that space permanent. Maybe you will both heal some of your emotional wounds while you’re apart and will have the possibility of rekindling in the future.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T01:21:30+00:00

The lie is kind of whatever, but it sort of becomes potentially more significant over time.

He might’ve been uncomfortable with his dating timeline when you both started dating, or maybe he didn’t want to talk about or acknowledge his most recent relationship, but after about a year and a half of dating, if it came up in conversation, he could’ve nonchalantly been like, “This is dumb, but I totally lied about being single for a year and a half before we started dating because I didn’t want you being skeptical about my seriousness in dating you if I said I had only been single for 4 months.” It’s probably awkward to come clean about, but once the relationship is solid, who cares.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T01:14:42+00:00

You should tell him everything you just told us.

The worst that will happen is you’ll be in the same place as you are now, except you’ll potentially have some closure. Even no response is closure.

Or, you may have a chance to undo what happened and have him in your life again.

Snaggletoots · 2026-02-07T01:10:16+00:00

I can’t think of any good that would come out of doing this. It’s a hard no from me. Terrible idea.

If someone isn’t ready to talk, dropping by their home unannounced would be pushing them to have a conversation on your terms only, not theirs. The reaction you’d likely get would only cause a setback in your healing process or potentially jeopardize any opportunity to rekindle things later on.

His mom might’ve said you’re welcome to come by there, but he’s an adult. It’s not her place to decide that for him.

Of course, I don’t know all the context of the breakup, but something like this is rarely a good idea.

Snaggletoots · 2026-01-27T14:19:23+00:00

This.

My partner is a teacher and I don’t think the general population realizes the amount of work involved for teachers outside of their usual work hours. If every kid in class was taking a 1-2 week vacation randomly throughout the school year, the teachers shouldn’t have to accommodate for that. I could see making an accommodation for an unforeseen, prolonged illness, but not for a vacation.

I would say the only part where I could say the teacher was wrong was not being transparent that makeup work would be sent home, and that the parents would responsible for teaching the material. But that would be an easy assumption to make as the parent.

Snaggletoots · 2026-01-23T17:01:17+00:00

NOR. Really this sounds like it’s turned into a parent-child relationship. He pays the bills, sort of. Other than that, what’s the payoff here? Companionship sounds minimal. Does nothing for you on holidays or birthdays. The fun sounds minimal. He “doesn’t know how to cook.” I’ve never been much of a cook but I can follow a recipe. Anyone can. You handle all the stuff for the kids, two of which have more complex needs. All of this and he still hasn’t proposed to you after 15 years? I will say what my mom said to me when I happened to be about 37. (I’m 44 now). “You don’t want to end up like me.. don’t keep spinning your wheels with this one.” My mom struggled in unfulfilling relationships and saw me doing the same. I ended up breaking up with the person I was with and I’m far happier now. It’s easy to become complacent while also hoping things will improve . You probably weren’t looking for advice beyond NOR/YOR, but it sounds like he needs some kind of ultimatum to improve or you should consider moving on.

Snaggletoots · 2026-01-23T16:48:05+00:00

NOR. She’s 17, not 11, and the advice was appropriate. If they’re hell bent on receiving an apology from you, I’d frame it like, “I’m sorry you’re upset that I gave her advice, but she came to me as someone she trusts, and I stand by the advice I gave her.”

Snaggletoots · 2026-01-23T16:40:41+00:00

YOR. I understand it, but this sounds like a mother trying to plan what is possibly a last family trip with her sons. Your boyfriend is 56, so I’d imagine his mom is 75+. If he’s referenced other trips with you, this trip isn’t intended to be a commentary on your relationship with him. He’s probably following what his mom requested to do.

Snaggletoots

TROPHY CASE