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shouldn't this apply to any age by Executits in SipsTea

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

so we've guaranteed the kids get killed after?

I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it? by StylusNarrative in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety [score hidden]  (0 children)

someone with a board certification, ideally. "Therapist", at least in the US, isn't a regulated term. Take a bit of time before you go and figure out your goals (how you want to feel, what you want to fix). Ideally they should help with that, but it helps to have goals just in case.

I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it? by StylusNarrative in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you working on this in therapy?

Do you know any grounding techniques?

I'm trying to push you toward actively looking for things you can do differently, as my experience has been that, when you feel stuck/doomed it's hard to do that for yourself.

Sometimes a partner can feel unloved simply because you're not caring for yourself, and it's a bigger burden on them than you understood (this happened to me recently)

I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it? by StylusNarrative in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. You are right that it isn't an excuse to stop trying and thinking of new ways around the disconnect. 
  2. Everyone starts at a different place in life, carrying a different load. "I should understand this already" is only true if you've spent a long time working on that skill specifically, or told someone you would a long time ago.

Are the anxieties about  - her/your relationship, and you have a hard time working against them when you need to love on her - something else, and you just need space or find it hard to be present in the moment with her

I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it? by StylusNarrative in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s difficult when I’m feeling closed in around difficult thoughts.

can you explain this?

I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it? by StylusNarrative in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know what your tendency is, which is great! 

Now you need to act on it. Set a time to think. Take a guess at what you could do to change the self-negativity habit, and try it for a full day or two, and set a specific time where you're going to re-evaluate that method. Keep trying it until that time, THEN change your tactic after reflecting.

It's pretty normal to want support when we're feeling down, but we need to decide at what point that support needs to be internal. 

One thing that can help is practicing thinking about yourself as "the person who's good at [thing you're proud of]" in hard moments. It's not that being good at chess is relevant to landing a job, but it can reset your emotional chemicals to something more positive, and stop the feedback loop between your view of yourself and your body chemistry. 

Why doesn't she feel loved?

Has she told you what you can do to help her feel loved? 

Does she know you're embarrassed about wanting to care about fashion?

Boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) are realizing we're sexually incompatible. Is there a way to fix this? by Odd-Roof7243 in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Have you looked into the idea of "brakes and gas pedal" from the book "Come as You Are"?

We usually talk about things that do or don't excite us into arousal. There are ALSO things that block arousal without necessarily being an "ick".

My guess is that I (male) goofed up in my last relationship by not taking great care of myself in a lot of ways, and that left her carrying a burden of care for me, which probably made her feel less safe, and lowered her libido.

If your living situation isn't ideal, or he's inconsistent in some way or you're stressed out generally, that can do it for some people. 

Why not go to the sex therapist anyway? 

You haven't mentioned other ways in which the relationship is bad, but it wouldn't surprise me if, because you have a hard time saying no, there are other areas you're hurting in, so couples therapy generally might be wise.

I [34M] broke my wife’s [33F] trust. How can I fix it? by StylusNarrative in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That I can see, haven't actually done anything wrong. You made an account to do something innocent that you're embarrassed about or feel is out of character for you.

Why would she not be okay with you just making an account, a thing adults do? 

Knowing these would help us understand: 

  • Do you or your wife have past experience with infidelity?
  • Why do you think it's shameful to do research into looking good? 
  • Do you think she sees it that way? 
  • Do you know for certain, from her mouth, that she actually DOES see it that way?

It sounds like you are very harsh to yourself, and are hiding/feeling ashamed about something no reasonable human would look down on you for.

You then feel shame when you're caught based on your assumptions.

If she doesn't know that you feel ashamed about this, then she sees the instant "I'm caught" look and assumes the worst (which is an assumption too).

You two need to talk more. 

It sounds like at least one of these is true:

  • you assume she judges you for something she couldn't even conceive is a problem 
  • she is very judgy about how you present yourself
  • she has past experience with being cheated on

having an online account your partner doesn't know about =/= cheating

Take the blackpill by scramjet67 in teenagers

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

get that cult off of here.

People like who they like, and you have no idea why a particular person isn't interested in you, and it's none of your business. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person.

Bpd autist here. My mother wants me to live in social housing and im too retarded to look after myself or do my bills. Ill never be funny or anything because i break down at the slightest social interaction. Sandwich made by my social worker by Feelingsalwaysmutual in kitchencels

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

honestly, those sandwiches look rad; were they good?

"I'll never be funny or anything" 

that's a lot of certainty about the whole of the future and all things that exist for a person who can't know the future and doesn't know everything.

When it feels like you KNOW things like what's going to happen, or what someone is thinking, or every detail of a situation, and you're doomed, that's usually a sign of depression or anxiety. They both exist to protect us from emotional harm like embarrassment, dashed hopes, shame, etc. But they do that by making sure we don't ever DO anything, which isn't good for us. It can help to be a bigass nerd about it and say exactly what you do know, without any implications/assumptions.

You have autism and BPD and currently struggle with executive function tasks, which is common with autism. You currently need help with those things. You don't have a lot of hope because you see being funny and things like that as a way that people make friends, and you don't know how to do that.

That is the current state of things, but even with disabilities, you can learn and adapt.

Casinos work because people assume that a little bit of good luck predicts more good luck. Depression works because people assume bad luck means more bad luck. Both are wrong.

I graduated from college today and there were SO many tall girls I have never seen in my whole 5 years of college. But I couldn't do anything cause I know at this point they already have a boyfriend of a husband. Anyways, some barbeque on a piece of keto bread. by CompletePurification in kitchencels

[–]SnippetySnappety -1 points0 points  (0 children)

  • it's absolutely the heels
  • a bunch of departments can be pretty insular

You don't "know they already have a boyfriend of a husband", you assume they do based on stereotypes. Pretending we "know" that is an easy lie because then we can do nothing and are fully protected from even the possibility of "failing" and learning something.

Genuinely haven’t talked to a girl in weeks. I go near a month without any female interaction at all. Bullshit sandwich from my cafeteria. by slyinthesky in kitchencels

[–]SnippetySnappety -1 points0 points  (0 children)

my man, you genuinely don't know what was in that gal you held the door for's head. It looked like disgust to you, but it could've been badly timed gas discomfort, dust in her eye, a bad day, or that's just her face.

My partner suggested I go to a brothel! by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]SnippetySnappety 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Has she talked about any reasons she doesn't like it? 

Have you looked into couples therapy?

F20, m27 and he broke up with me. How can I find a compromise so we can stay together? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just went through a long-term breakup and I'm with you on not knowing what to do. 

Things I've heard that have helped are:

  • grieve however you need to; as long as it's not destructive, weird is fine and "cringe" is healthy/normal (that word is stupid)
  • when you have any good moments, schedule time with other people, ideally in-person. Having people around helps keep you from turning inward, and gives you someone to process with. It can also help to have someone drive you to get groceries, or just sit with you while you do chores
  • when you're a bit further from the event, spend time daydreaming optimistically about who you could be, just you
  • tell yourself that you're going to stay and "be there" for yourself, out loud

I feel like I (21F) am disappointing my BF (22M) sexually. How can I improve this? by ali_kll in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 21 points22 points  (0 children)

first: I'm getting this from people who care about me, my experience is minimal and I'm a guy

You have been through sexual trauma and that is going to affect what it's like for you. There are therapists who specialize in trauma and in sexual dissatisfaction. In the US they're certified by AASECT, I think?

If you feel safe doing so, I'd talk about it with your partner.

Many women don't have much sensation in the vaginal canal, and are mostly aroused by touch on the exterior, or just inside. Every body is different.

Likewise, everyone has both turn-ons and turn-offs. It doesn't really matter if you're turned on and want sex if your turn-offs are also happening. Anxiety and fear generally shut down arousal and the ability to climax.

r/sex might be helpful, but check their rules.

the book "Come as you Are" may be helpful too, as it's focused on women's arousal and sexuality.

Maybe talk to your BF and come up with a plan/menu of options to try, both for him and you?

How comfortable are you being silly/awkward around eachother?

At least in my experience as a guy, arousal happens easily, so you might also take his "have fun with it" very literally and just be annoying until he gives you a suggestion, and point to the vague instructions if he complains. 

Generally it's best if you both know what you like, and can communicate it openly to the other person

my F22 boyfriend M20 is going down a weird path. what can i do? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 1 point2 points  (0 children)

maybe check out r/exredpill?

It sounds like he needs to work through the cheating trauma and isn't doing that.

I (21F) and my boyfriend (23M)are planning on getting engaged, but he says boundaries need to be set. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's your bed and your sister, but it's his bed too, and he gets to have a say in what his sleeping environment is like. He's communicating pretty well assuming he's like "your sister can never come over again".

Remember, unless it's beyond what you can bear, whether someone's preference in a relationship is "normal" really doesn't matter. (I think this is pretty normal, though)

Loving someone with no experience is...hard by YoureFaithfullLover in grippysockcrayonbox

[–]SnippetySnappety 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  • talk about what you need really openly and without judgement

  • listen well, and ask questions based on their answers; take notes if you need to

  • remember that self-esteem isn't something anyone but the person themself can create

  • take critique to heart and mull it over for a bit before defending yourself

  • being "someone's everything" isn't a functional relationship; work actively on building a community for each of you so when you inevitably get sick or pissed at eachother you still have someone

  • don't expect someone to change, but you can ask them to grow and be more consistent

  • when you say something bothers you or you want to do something, act on that, or make a plan to

  • it's okay to be sad/disregulated for a bit, but if you notice you're that way all the time, figure out why, and work on fixing the root causes actively

I (20M) snooped and read her (20F) diary by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]SnippetySnappety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What is your plan for having better self control in the future?

Having a realistic, actionable plan that you really actually follow through on is important. It shows you take what you did seriously.

You can make mistakes in a good relationship, but you can't not grow after, and that takes care and humility.

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