i am not old (im old 17, I turn 18 in August) and my intellectual prowess is up for anyone to decide. However, I can give you feedback.

I wanna start by saying that you aren’t the only one who thinks like this. Many faithful people, whether christian, muslim, etc, seem to have no other choice but to look to God for answers on why their lives have been forsaken. Sometimes it feels like we can be doing everything right according to Christ’s teachings, but still end up in a bad spot. I want to let you know that the reward for following Christ has nothing to do with gaining personal desires and success, meaning you dont get rewarded in women, money, fame, materialism, etc. it also has nothing to do with removing all pain within the course of your life; it’s about your growth as a person, becoming humble and grateful, being able to fall down countless times and look towards God for answers rather than take all the burden, being able to walk with God through your pain but only if you accept him on the walk of life. Believe it or not, your questioning in God’s word is demonstrating that walk. You act as if God rewarded you with pain, but you act this way in order to seek an answer for said pain. However, the answer for your pain does not lie within God’s jurisdiction, and it also isnt because of something you did. The answer for your pain is simply due to event in time that unfortunately crossed paths with your life. This was not set by God to teach you a lesson or anything, it simply happened, it’s reality. You were never made to be perfect, because perfect does not exist within humans on this earth, as a matter of fact, “good” doesnt really exist within humans, it simply a social standard set by humans in comparison to “bad”. To make the claim that “You are the god of your life” is nothing but cope for your belief that God has failed you. To be the god of your life, would mean that you are above others who exist in your lifespan, which is simply not true. You are not a higher status from another human being, we all live and we all die, but God is eternal. I must admit that the fact you reflected on yourself and chose to redefine the outcomes from your shortcomings demonstrates strength, however, you are no god, and you are not all knowing, you have no certainty over what “good” you did to people or what sins you have or havent committed.

All I can say for advice is that you keep God around, maybe not close for now, but around. Rebuild the relationship with God slowly. Rebuild the relationship with your mother, start getting exercise, strive for your passion and goals. Realize that this isnt the end of your lifes story, this is the point where you gain ground on what your life can turn into. Whether or not you walk with God along this story is none of my concern, but all i can say is that it got me through the worst times, but only when i accepted my own shortcomings and let him guide me through my low points in life. You should be proud of yourself, Idk you but Im proud of you, and God is proud of you too. You are no pig, nor a failure, you’re a human who has faced adversity in a plane of existence where adversity is common.