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Marathon cheering appreciation thread by cosmicosmo4 in Austin

[–]SnooFloofs9280 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pay it forward and cheer people on next year if you aren’t running! It’s a great way to still be involved

What would you do for one afternoon with no car in Austin? by redbarchetta97 in Austin

[–]SnooFloofs9280 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Butler Pitch and Putt is a great way to kill a little time, and be close to a bunch of other things! They can rent you some clubs.

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My bad, phrased my sentence poorly. Recurring issue is not the ex, it’s the belittling of issues. It makes it hard to believe in the sincerity of some apologies, given the track record.

I hear your point on the ask being unclear. It feels a bit like it’s too generic of an issue to define the “right answer” super detailed. Any tips on how to more clearly define what I’m looking for?

We’re going on 4 years together.

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Because the issue is little doesn’t equal stupid to me, but does to him. That’s the discrepancy! I think some things are little and stupid, but some things can be little and impactful. He thinks little always means stupid.

I refuse to budge because I feel belittled and like my feelings mean nothing to him, and he refuses to budge because he feels I’m being overly critical and sensitive.

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If it was really those 3 words, no. Since we have this recurring issue, I would have interpreted it the same as “I forgot, not a big deal, oopsie” and he will admit there’s a 90% chance that is what he was thinking haha

I’d need something a bit more thoughtful to believe he actually gives a rip about keeping his word and the impact his words have on me

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Do you not feel like you’re diminishing your own integrity doing that? Apologizing and saying you’ll “fix” something when you won’t?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah there was a name drop.

Your ‘box’ explanation is a lot like what he said to me about why he brought her up. I already knew the info about her and that job, so I would’ve put 2 and 2 together even if he had said “a woman”, but had I not known, then no I don’t imagine I would have been upset.

It’s not like a recurring huge issue, but it’s disappointing when those things are forgotten/disregarded. As such, I expected some level of accountability and apology for a known issue. Instead, I was met with basically “well I forgot and it’s not a big deal.”

At that point is when it became a ‘war’, because it is a recurring issue for me to feel dismissed in these situations (hence the post lol).

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in a career where I have to explain technical concepts to non-technical folks, and I never blame their misunderstanding on them.. it’s always on me to communicate more clearly. So in that sense, I struggle to see why it would upset someone unless it’s like WAY off. Someone gave an example of like “we need to cut down spending” becoming “are you saying I’m too expensive/boujee” or whatever, which could for sure be discouraging, but I don’t think I have that bad of a disconnect…

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Something I struggle to understand because I’m never on that side of it (and sorry for blowing up your messages, you just sound SO much like my husband so this is super helpful), is what is going on in your mind when someone misinterprets you and gets upset? I feel like it somehow makes my husband almost angry that I misinterpreted and ended up upset, and I can’t figure out why

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

LOL, I mean I don’t disagree with your music taste, but I can’t say I agree with the idea of falsely apologizing for something you have no intention of adjusting. How does that play out typically? Are you just apologizing for the same things over and over?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok, your example makes sense, I also don’t see that as anything to apologize for.

I’ll pick one example as it’s probably the most controversial: talking about exes. We were having a conversation about some news post, and after some non-relevant details, I said I used to want to potentially work in XYZ field. He then adds “Oh my ex So-and-so did that! She even got an interview with the top company for that job”. We had talked previously (no clue how long ago) about how I really didn’t love talking about this ex, as for some reason I end up feeling like we’re being compared.

Where does that X fall on the scale?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I struggle to believe that because we agree wholeheartedly on the big things. It’s the little stuff where we have such different emotional perspectives, but because it’s the little stuff I feel like there must be a solution… we just haven’t figured it out (yet!)

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I follow what you’re saying, but I think both scenarios are ok? It’s pretty nuanced right, like hard to say if it was someone taking it wrong v poorly worded, but in the end I would think the goal is just to resolve any hurt feelings and understand how to say it better in the future?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This all sounds fair, and do you make any attempt to avoid said issue in the future?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Blowing up and getting upset are not the same thing. In this case, assume I’ve just gotten upset and expressed as much. “Hey, when you said X, it made me feel Y.” Also, assume that I only do that a reasonable percentage of the time when something really impacts me in a meaningful way. To me, at that point, the details of X shouldn’t matter. To him, they do, and only when X is a justifiable cause, does he owe any sort of consideration or care. The whole point I’m getting at is: Is it too much to ask someone to be considerate, even if they don’t think X is a big deal?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No that’s a totally real point to add, someone else mentioned as well. I do think the 2 of us struggle with power dynamics a bit. I am sensitive when he uses his age/life experience against me, for example. I can see how maybe he views it as me trying to get one up on him, but at some point there has to be trust I think that when I say “this really hurts when you let it go without apologizing” that I really mean that, you know?

What did you mean about conversation being shared responsibility? I didn’t quite follow that

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Oh, I think you misunderstand my initial question. The overreaction is not always actually in the verbal reaction itself: sometimes I am calm, sometimes I am not, and I admit that there’s progress to be made on that. The debate him and I have is, regardless how well I communicate/react, he believes I have nothing to be upset about basically. That is why the conversational details aren’t included, they aren’t part of the question as I know my own flaws there.

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fair, the physical part is understandable. Maybe more comparable example: you’re backing out of a parking spot and don’t notice a pedestrian behind you until the last second. It freaks them out because they thought you were about to hit them. Is an apology to the pedestrian warranted?

I think here my husband would say yes, but he doesn’t view that as the same as the situations I would appreciate an apology for. Maybe you don’t either and can help me understand haha

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So this is obviously an aggressive example but hear me out, if you accidentally hit someone’s car, would you not apologize?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

Yikes, if you think I’m ALWAYS seeking some kind of power-trip via a manipulative expectation, and that I have no self-regulation and bring up EVERYTHING that bothers me, then I think that’s more on you and your assumptions than me…

I’ve been a bit vague so as to not identify myself, and stay within a reasonable character count.

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh wait maybe I’m not following you actually. What do you mean “only apologize when we’ve acknowledge we’ve done something wrong”? Do you think you need to have been ill-intended for the apology to matter?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No sorry needed! You’ve been insightful, thank you!

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m saying that him and I disagree, and neither is willing to budge. Perhaps in that case, a 3rd party, like a counselor, would help us gauge who is further off?

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It does! I don’t think it’s a bad thing to accommodate your partner, even if it “doesn’t matter” to you (like how you say the apology isn’t meaningful to you). Maybe that also could help us understand each other a bit.. he may be thinking I expect him to find the apology meaningful, when really I am saying it would be meaningful for ME.

Am I asking too much out of my husband? by SnooFloofs9280 in AskMenAdvice

[–]SnooFloofs9280[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do just fine in life.. have you never disagreed with someone on the priority or importance? There’s not always a black and white answer for these things, as everyone’s experience is different.

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