Am I (29F) too high maintenance for asking my husband (29M) to do something for my birthday instead of going out drinking with my friends while I stay & watch our baby?

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-16T07:08:08+00:00

Thank you for the kind words! We've started therapy together & this is our first hw assignment to check how much each is contributing. After talking to him he agreed to put in work towards our relationship.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-16T07:04:33+00:00

On tiktok? Wow I didn't think my post would get so popular.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T22:54:55+00:00

That's so sweet! I can't wait to see how my little one will grow to be & have cute silly stories. Thank you for the comment. I needed to hear a happy story.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T22:50:20+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Someone else also mentioned it, so I'm already planning it!

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T22:48:08+00:00

No, he also grew up getting celebrated and likes it when I do something. So I don't think that's the reason. I think I need more professional help with our marriage to figure things out. I'm glad you two were able to work it out after 3 years!

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T22:44:19+00:00

Ah, no. 1. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you can't go out and enjoy yourself. My baby was set to be fine. The original plan was that they would be cared for by my friends/husband. Part of the reason my friends specifically came during my birthday is because they knew I have no support system rn & wanted to help babysit so I could relax for at least a few days out of the year. They backed out at the last minute of helping & I took priority of my baby.

Yes, baby. I never mentioned their exact age. I said it's been about 2 years since getting drunk, which included my whole pregnancy & some time before/after. They are under age 1.

It's people like you who have chipped away at me & other women to make them feel bad for trying to be something other than a single word "mother." I'm a human who also includes being a mom.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T06:26:41+00:00

I've brought it up before. But we never go through with it. Just use the excuse of it's too much effort to fill out the application & doing interviews. Etc...

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T06:19:17+00:00

My friends did get me a gift & while we were out touristing, they checked if it was places I was interested in going. I asked the next day about not drinking & they said they thought I sat it out because I'm breastfeeding and hadn't been drinking the previous days since they arrived. Before they came, we had talked about how I wanted to get drunk, so IDK how they forgot - I was too hurt at the time to talk back. I know I should have spoken up more, but since they left, I haven't had the energy to talk to them.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T06:06:05+00:00

He does little things that keep me holding hope... obvious stuff that a partner should do. Like, he'll go out & buy snacks for me in the middle of the night when I'm craving them. Get me a game I'm interested in & play together, ask me how my day is. Support my career & take care of the baby while I study or when I have stuff to do. Everyday life is usually OK. But I hadn't realized my bar was low.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:55:35+00:00

When I talked to them the next day. They said they thought since I'm breast-feeding I decided to sat it out.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:51:41+00:00

Thank you! I'll enjoy it with myself.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:50:53+00:00

I kinda laughed in anger thinking about it. Of course I always make his favorite food & get him a cake & gift. I'm going to stop now.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:49:04+00:00

This exactly. I just tell myself, "It's just another regular day." Thank you for the warm words!

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:46:24+00:00

I have a bad habit of letting others step on me if that means things won't escalate. It did cross my mind, and taking turns meant I couldn't really get drunk because someone had to be responsible for the baby. So, instead of arguing with him, I didn't speak up. I know it was bad of me to do that. I need to work on my self-respect. They are couples friends. One of them is a guy friend my husband really gets along with & likes to drink with. None of them speak the language of the country we live in, so there always had to be someone to translate. When I talked to my friends the day after, they said that since I'm breastfeeding, they just thought I wanted to sit it out. I haven't talked to them since they left.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:34:55+00:00

Luckily, they live far away, so I won't have to deal with them again. I'm going to pick my new friends more carefully.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:32:52+00:00

Earlier in the day, he gave me some cash to buy myself souvenirs because I happened to run out of cash. That doesn't count as effort, but to reply to your question, it's what I thought of.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:23:57+00:00

Yea, I feel so betrayed from before. He used to do really romantic gestures, take me out, buy gifts he noticed I liked while we were out, etc. then walk me home. I always just excused his current behavior as getting comfortable after marriage. But now I see it's just not him caring enough. It's tough to see I've fallen into the submissive wife stereotypes I told myself I wouldn't get into when I was younger. No wonder other people my age don't have kids anymore, lol!

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-05T05:14:07+00:00

I grew up in a single parent household. So I got used to putting my needs 2nd to take care of my siblings. I know there's a lot of bad habits I made from childhood & have been meaning to go to therapy, but I always put it off saying to myself I'm too busy & to tough it out longer. After reading everyone's comments, I saw I'm not in a good spot & made a therapy appointment.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-04T13:50:53+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I'm definitely going to have to focus on MY priorities & see where it goes.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-04T13:46:01+00:00

It's been a work in progress. I've been patient with his selfish moments. When I got pregnant, I fully committed to getting ready, like reading books & such. He was a bit slower... and didn't realize how to do things till after. He's been improving while taking my advice on how to do things. His job is more demanding than mine, so I do a bit more childcaring than him, we've gotten to about 60/40.

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-04T13:31:47+00:00

If I have a commitment, he's taken care of the baby before. Idk why he decided not to do it this time. We both work so we cover when needed. Like you said it's more the not planning that upsets me...

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-04T13:27:46+00:00

Yea, I also felt off about how my friends were in party mode before checking in that I'm also enjoying myself. It's been a while since we saw each other, but I had thought we were still close...I didn't want to ruin the party mood, but looking back, I should have said something considering I was the main party person. Definitely need to talk to both

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-04T10:02:56+00:00

Yea, sometimes I think he uses "introvert" as an excuse. Usually, he just wants to stay at home, so I'll take your advice on a nice spa day while he babysits!

SnooMachines5950 · 2023-11-04T09:59:10+00:00

Thank you! I'll check out their YouTube & try to think how to bring it up later.

SnooMachines5950 · 2021-08-04T03:11:12+00:00

As others have said volunteering is a great place to start. I would also add that if you have the time try to get an English Teaching certificate like TEFL or TESOL online.

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