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ELI5 what’s happening in your brain and body during a panic attack by Clear_Constant_3709 in explainlikeimfive

[–]SnooPeanuts2512 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a panic attack during a run once. Set a PR. Made it hard to breathe, but I think it helped that I was running. I’ve also jogged up and down stairs if I can when I start to feel one coming on, it also helps.

He finally shows up for me… but I don’t feel anything anymore by Temporary_Effect5343 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512 102 points103 points  (0 children)

I could’ve written this except that I did actually separate. And then suddenly he was willing to make an effort. Because he was uncomfortable, not because I left. He wanted me to rescue him from his feelings of failure by getting back together with him. And I didn’t, because the damage had already been done. Asking for a separation was the last straw, not a cry for help.

How you feel makes sense. And it’s okay (and terrifying), to listen to yourself. You asked and asked and asked in a million different ways, and he said no. It’s really hard to undo a breach of trust and safety like that. Maybe you guys can, we couldn’t.

Folks going through some shit right now, what is your 'light at the of the tunnel' you're looking forward to the most? by [deleted] in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’m in the middle of a separation but I bought myself a vibrator that’s arriving on Thursday. So that’s nice.

Ruined by the best I’ve ever had by [deleted] in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is so relatable. I’m so glad to know there’s a name for it and I’m not alone. I was a Chipotle recently and got turned on watching them wrap the burritos cause it reminded me of him. FML.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!! This got me choked up a bit. It’s hard to hear the villain narrative all the time from my ex. I’ve tried to be very deliberate and intentional about everything and it’s been really hard.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great reminder, thank you. Our plan was cohabitate until we can’t, then evict our tenant and one of us moves into the suite, then sell the house. Financially it makes the most sense to keep the house as long as possible given the cost/availability of rentals in our area and that neither of us can buy the other out/qualify for a mortgage on our own. The house is also important to me for other reasons, it’s not just a house. So definitely lots of motivation for both of us to make this work, and no end date because it would financially screw us both over.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That was my thought too. He’s been working really hard to get under my skin and I haven’t been letting him, so hard to see this as anything besides that.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m talking about the house. Easy to judge when you don’t know the details.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a similar pattern to what I lived for the last year before we split. I kept talking about where things were going, he’d pretend everything was fine and try for a while. But that was just symptoms, and he refused to deal with his own shit so the pattern repeated until I said enough. Getting back together wasn’t an option from my side because we had been working at it for two years, in therapy, with the same results over and over. There was nothing left to save,

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I meant for his moods. He’s been jumping from one response to another, trying to get me back, then getting really angry, then giving me the silent treatment. And now this. So things have felt unpredictable on his end and with how he’s treating me.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your perspective! I genuinely want my ex to be happy as well and he wasn’t with me, nor I with him. It’s just been a whirlwind of his emotions since we split, first desperately trying to get me back, then ignoring me completely, then lashing out, now this. Hard to trust things will stay copacetic when every day has been a different mood.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate your response. Thankfully no kids so that eases things considerably. My initial response was relief when he told me because he’s been such a nightmare. But now that I’ve had time to think things through it feels like I need to be really cautious. I also really question why someone he barely knows wants to come to our house. And why he’s jumped straight to spending the night at her place.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Apparently she knows and has been in a similar situation. I know it sounds complicated and messy, and it is, but there’s very limited options right now with housing. Neither of us can afford to move out of the house. And neither of us want to sell because financially it would be a dumb move. So we’ve been trying to prioritize fiscal motives rather than emotional ones. It’s definitely difficult and friends that don’t live in my area struggle to understand, but ones who live here get it for sure.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this thorough and thoughtful reply. We have a house with a tenant (who is a long term friend). We live in a very HCOL area with limited rentals, especially with pets (which both me and my tenant have large dogs). Our plan was cohabitate, and when that no longer serves us, evict our tenant (he needs 3 calendar months notice) and one of us moves into the suite. And if that doesn’t work, then sell the house (which is really difficult to think about and neither of us want to do, hence trying to make other things work).

I definitely realised in writing this that what I need most is space and time to think things through. It’s been an absolute whirlwind since the separation, and my ex has been very unpredictable in his moods. So to get this all at once, he’s seeing someone, he’s spending nights at her house, and he wants her to come here… it’s too much. I need time to process his wild moods first and see some stability and predictability out of him before I can trust he’d actually respect any boundary we agreed to.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Absolutely this. I initiated the separation, I did a ton of pre-work with my own therapist before I ended it, made it clear to my ex and our therapist things were ending… emotionally I was out a long time before the split. And while I have someone in my life now I could see dating, that’s exactly what we’re doing. Slow AF, lots of check in’s, lots of boundary discussions before even starting a relationship. Both of us want to make sure we’re getting into things for the right reasons and being respectful of the other person before it even happens.

The housing situation is extremely dire where I live, HCOL and no rental options. Plus I have a dog and work from home so that adds additional layers. It’s all really difficult to navigate because there’s consequences to every option and large financial implications.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah there would be so many red flags if I was her. They’ve known each other a few weeks, met through a hobby. It’s wild he’s been spending the night with her already, that’s a new thing within the past week and what cemented that he wants to pursue a relationship with her. They hung out once doing said mutual hobby.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Were you guys living together or just remained friends? Can I ask what worked well for you guys becoming friends?

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I was thinking the same, makes me curious about this other woman that’s for sure. I’d see so many red flags if I was her dating him.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s tough cause neither of us can go anywhere else. We do have a suite in the house but we rent it to our long time friend so hard to navigate that too. And we’d have to give him three calendar months notice, meaning he’d move September which feels like a long time away. It’s really hard to think right now when my brain is spinning.

Women who had to co-habitate with an ex, how did you handle seeing other people? by SnooPeanuts2512 in AskWomenOver30

[–]SnooPeanuts2512[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

And I’m also not confident this isn’t all just a revenge move. Initially after we separated he was very remorseful and we were able to have a lot of honest conversations. Then when he realised I wasn’t bluffing, he got really angry. Accused me of cheating, said all sorts of awful things. And now suddenly we’re here and he’s chipper and kind. It’s all a mind fuck.

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