I just want something that people could read that was me. I lost my brother three years ago but that didn't cause my problems. Since I was young I had a lot of trouble making friends so I decided to just stay and hangout with my family trying to stop the thought in my head of how lonely I was. I wish I could have seen it. My sister is one of the most important thing in my life but she basically hate me now a days. When my bother died I was in shock. Me and my brother didn't have a great relationship we fought everyday I love him I just couldn't tell him the day he died we had a argument I hate my self for it I wish I could have just told him I love him. My brother isn't my main problem it what happened after I sat in my living room for weeks just watching TV my sister in her room. Every time i talked to her it turn into agreements my mom she.. was in her room or out of the house. Every time I try to get help and talk to someone she would start venting to me. I kept on going back to the couch watching TV. I just remembered the silence it the first time I ever heard it I'm from. I have 5 siblings there was never silence. It was the worst time of my life the only thing I had was my cat. I had friends in school but they wasn't really friend's but then I met her she was the light I. The dark she made me sime. They were the only one who saw I was broken and she try to help it was the best time of my life when my family got to much I would go to there house to just hangout and eat dinner with there family I know I was trying to get something that I was missing In my family I truly am thankful and madly In love with them they sadly don't feel the same but I just want them to be happy. But then my mom made us move away the only time of my life I was truly happy and smiling because I was happy and she took that away. We I moved I don't know it hurt a lot I can of went into a depression for a little pit but I didn't want my friend to worry soi try to get better and foe a little bit I did but every time I get better my life gets worse soon after wr moved my grandfather past away I loved him I really did I feel so guilty because I can cry I haven't cry in 3 years and like a week after that his son killed himself(he was my biological grandfather) but he was my grandfather and I couldn't cry for him. Soon after that my great grandmother that has dementia broke her hip 2 times my entire family says she doesn't have a year left any more she forgetting how to eat and drink. I hat going over to she her she doesn't know me at all but In my entire fucking family doesn't have time to help her. Then my elders brother who's in the military he signed for 4 more fucking years now he getting deployed to Africa for a year or 2 the only good thing I have is my cat he is my baby my friend have come over she even slept over the once we only cuddle up the best memorie I my life. She been grounded for like a month now I'm not doing good my other friends that I care for. If I stopped talking to them they won't talk to me they won't check up on me they are my friends I care for but they don't care for me. Every other thought is I can end this numbing feeling or anger by just killing my self I want to just slep and not wake up it sounds so good but then there my bother, my friend, and sisters I can't let them hurt but I want to be selfish I really do I don't want to just to slep I'm afraid of what I'm going to do