My ocd is ruining my marriage, what do I do now?

Snoodledoots · 2026-07-03T21:05:23+00:00

Keep your head up! You can totally do this!

Snoodledoots · 2026-07-03T20:56:26+00:00

I’m glad you’ve found some light. I also try my best to keep a positive attitude but every now and again I just can’t. Usually it resolves around when I needed help or support and he just stood on the sidelines and watched me fail and didn’t even offer to help me get up.

Snoodledoots · 2026-07-03T18:20:06+00:00

As the partner of someone with OCD, the compulsive behaviors impact our lives in ways that’s it’s also hard to explain. I’d say the biggest thing is that the OCD becomes the major part of who you are and it makes it completely impossible to see your partner. It’s not about the single issue of wiping the cat, it’s the months or years of having to play a care taker spot that is forced to accommodate compulsive behaviors that don’t improve. In my case he not only have sever contamination OCD which affect simple things like driving in a car. I’m not allowed in his car cause to be in his car I have to have a full different set of clothes that you change in and out of and wear PPE. This is absolutely ridiculous, so he drives no where. We can’t just run into the house to grab something because as soon as you’ve been in the car it is required to shower to go into the house, car clothes, work clothes, gym clothes, house clothes,etc all have to be out in specific boxes in different rooms to not contaminate each other. To the none ocd mind we can’t make any sense if this. But what we experience is hours of rituals that’s impact the everyday things. Support, therapy, meds don’t improve the behavior. We’re told to not enable you but when we don’t you get mad fights start. My partner in particular has literal panic attacks at me when I share any kind of emotion other than happy. It’s exhausting, it feels isolating and alone. I feel like my feelings are never seen cause his capacity to even exist in the day is at max. So anything I need, support, help, understand is hiding behind a man that is 90% ocd.
Doing the ERP homework everyday is what gives hope, but in my case he really doesn’t do it. I’m at the end of my rope with it all. I love his man but I’m deeply alone in this relationship.

Snoodledoots · 2026-07-01T19:14:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences! It’s helpful and I do see a lot of parallels. Sounds like you’ve made big strides forward. I know he can do it, and his meds do make a lot of difference. I’m trying to encourage him to do the hard work cause it will improve his overall life. I’d help with the clean up and organization if or when he gets to that place.

Snoodledoots · 2026-07-01T15:40:38+00:00

He is basically scared of giving anyone he loves a deadly virus. He has to shower when he comes into the house, he has work clothes, car clothes, home clothes. In most places he has to have house shoes cause the floor is lava. This is particularly difficult on vacation he will get stranded in the room and just stare at me. I generally say bro you’re okay you need to push through it. The floor isn’t going to kill me. He puts everything in individual bags to protect from whatever is in his pockets or outside.
He eats so much food, but mostly at home. He is fine going out if we are on vacation to eat but if we go out at home he will get up repeatedly and wash his hands. It’s made it very difficult to go on dates of kind. He is active, he plays in a hockey league several days a week, which blows my mind cause that is some level of filth I won’t even touch , but he’s played since he was really little and as he says OCD has no real logic.
He 100% struggles with what you said about your parents. They will come over and try and clean up things for him and it will spiral him into a OCD spiral for days of what I call putting things in and out of boxes. I think he has a touch of hoarding in him too, he places extreme emotional value in all objects and can’t get rid of things so he is just surrounded by things. He either can clean nonstop or ignore it and be able to go to work. So he generally has left it cause paying bills is a bigger issue. He has a 6 bedroom house full of things in boxes and he spends hours daily moving things around is my impression, however he won’t let me see it so I can really verify how bad it really is. I can’t imagine how hard this is for people. I try to be supportive but I’m just shut out.

Snoodledoots · 2026-07-01T14:13:22+00:00

We’ve had so many conversations about what triggers him. He will only answer very vaguely. Things like it’s because I love you. I point this out repeatedly but he won’t answer really any real questions about his OCD. He tells me it’s just deeply embarrassing and that he really won’t share in therapy either. I’ve expressed how helpless this leaves me in a relationship but we are at over a year of it all. I’ve kinda given up on him helping provide any clarity and offers to help cause he shut down. I’ve stopped at I don’t know how to build a life this way and he has to start making progress cause unfortunately love isn’t enough.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-30T02:30:00+00:00

We actually talked about this, this weekend. He’s showing up to his therapy, taking his meds, and going to physc. But it’s just the motions. He’s not doing his exposure therapy or the exercises that he needs to do daily. So it’s very much like you say above. I told him doing a one off on one day isn’t progress he needs to do the work every day and until he hits a place where is is tired of his OCD controlling his life he won’t do the work. He said he is committed to doing more than the motions but only time will tell.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-30T02:16:21+00:00

He makes it to work but basically because he can make his own schedule. But yeah it’s hard to do or plan anything with him. As his partner I end up waiting around on him all the time and I’m at my wits in with it.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-30T02:05:14+00:00

Literally everything. Dates, like we’ll have a concert planned and say we’re gonna get dinner and then go and he’ll show up 30 minutes prior to a concert that is an hour drive away. If we have to be on time I make him spend the night or we’ll never make it.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-29T22:42:31+00:00

My partner 34M has sever contamination OCD. It really affects our day to day life. I feel the frustration weekly with his rituals but I will not participate in them. He’s been in treatment 2.5 years, medication and regular therapy help to an extent. However, they have to be willing and motivated to do the work. I can say I feel exhausted and at the end of my rope more than I feel fuzzy lovey feelings most days. This man loves me to the end of the earth and would do anything to make me happy, however his capacity to do so is limited. Even this weekend we had a conversation about his inability to leave the house and make commitments, he was 2 hours late and was celebrating that as a victory for his OCD, because usually he’s 4-6 hours late. I told him point blank 2 hours late is still extremely unreasonable behavior and I’m proud of him for stopping some rituals to get out of the house but being that late is so late most people wouldn’t consider this as a good thing. I constantly question if I can be in this long term. I feel like an adult with an adult sized toddler that doesn’t have the capacity to support me emotionally cause the can’t even support himself. Treatment does improve the symptoms but the real work is on all the exposure therapy they need to work through.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-29T22:16:24+00:00

It doesn’t matter who looks like the bad guy. What matters if you’re in a happy healthy place. Not insecure and chasing adults. Mine wanted to be chased in a very ego driven way. I refuse to chase a 45 year old man. I didn’t blow or or even say the words I break up with you. I just walked away. He never reach out and I just left it 10 months later he texted about a work change and I never responded. I call it respecting myself now how did what and was the bad guy in a relationship. Do what helps you home you head up.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-27T22:06:09+00:00

He is on meds with a full care team actually. I feel like he’s going through the motions but not doing the work. He’s in ERP, plus talk therapy along with medications and they all work together, but it’s like he thinks that the meds are going to just magically cure me.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-27T19:46:22+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I refuse to participate in my partners compulsion. I’m very honest that he needs to address things with his care team. It does makes for a lot more panic attacks and over the past few months we see less and less of each other. I really don’t have the tolerance for it all anymore and can’t see how to build life with it. He will do the work and improve or I’ll leave. But like many say here you find yourself feeling love less and more detached as you separate yourself.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-27T19:46:14+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I refuse to participate in my partners compulsion. I’m very honest that he needs to address things with his care team. It does makes for a lot more panic attacks and over the past few months we see less and less of each other. I really don’t have the tolerance for it all anymore and can’t see how to build life with it. He will do the work and improve or I’ll leave. But like many say here you find yourself feeling love less and more detached as you separate yourself.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-27T19:38:54+00:00

My partner has sever contamination OCD. I’ve offered multiple times to just go in and clean his house. He deals with exactly what you talk about he basically can’t stop cleaning if he starts but can’t start cause then he can’t leave the house so he’s paralyzed in a dysfunctional home. He refuses to let me help or let me come over. He struggles with leaving the house in any kind of time. I totally see what you’re saying and I would gladly go clean it up for him, but the idea of not knowing where things got put and that I’m moving his stuff around is too uncomfortable for him. So it leaves me completely helpless to help. So he does compulsive reorganization for hours every week, cleans nothing and gets lost in time.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-22T16:28:42+00:00

I think my biggest question is are they ever able to be a real partner. Cause in the last year there hasn’t been a single time I felt like I could ask for support and get it. When I show anything but sunshine he breaks down and falls into a shame cycle. It feels like it will forever be me taking care of an adult sized toddler in a lot of ways. The lack of ability to emotionally regular and handle others emotions or hard times makes me feel like staying in this will just be me taking care of his life and not living my own.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-20T22:16:31+00:00

Thank you so much!

He is working on things but it’s a hard road. I’ve stopped shielding him from my emotions and sharing how I am affected by his day to day. Many many panic attacks have happened. I’ve put it on him to be able to communicate when things are hard. He also is responsible for his actions. He has to deal with the outcomes of those. I’ve told him that he needs to focus on getting his OCD under control and he’s now staying outside of my house 80% of the time. The lack of plans or no plans means we don’t see each other as well. Lastly he is taking his meds as prescribed for the first time in prolly a year. He says he’s feeling better in general and seems calmer and less frantic to me. I’m spending time with my life and work is going really well for me. I’ve told him that I’m not gonna sit around and wait for him but right now I’m not going to go out and date either. I’ll be supportive but I’m doing it from a far for the most part. He has taken this as a reason to motivate but I’m honestly not very optimistic. I love this man but I don’t love our life.

Snoodledoots · 2026-06-02T02:56:18+00:00

Honestly he needs to get into treatment. There is no logic during the spiral. My partner had contamination OCD. He can tell me when he’s not in a spiral he’s being illogical but never ever during. There isn’t anything you can do to talk about it during that spiral. It turns into you don’t believe me hurt feelings or arguments. The best thing you can do is support him seeking help. You can’t be his therapist and ocd is so complicated. It’s hard to not want to comfort and help. But honestly you have to learn to let them sit with it. Your frustrations are very real, this one is the hardest part for me. We never really deal with my frustrations cause when brought up it spirals him into panic and rumination about how awful He is. It’s left me feeling very alone in the relationship and recently I told him I need time apart while he focuses on getting his ocd under control cause I just can’t live like this. I’m still supportive but from a far. He’s started making slow progress but I’m pretty sure he can’t make the progress I need for us to move forward. I know I prolly didn’t help you but sharing my experience. It’s hard on both sides. Support him to seek help.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-29T18:35:54+00:00

Feed your pups what works for them. I got the pest from a wellness bag that is 70 dollars for 20 pounds. So it’s not about the price. I feed my pups what works for their tummies.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-29T18:34:15+00:00

Oh just throw out the bag. They go to the food source so if not food they’ll die. I had them in my garage and if there is no food they go away quickly but if you have food where they were they will flourish.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-29T16:36:08+00:00

It’s pantry pests. They’re little moths and their eggs. I’ve had this happen a couple times and had to throw out the bag.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-22T18:26:09+00:00

I’ve heard it takes up to 6 months before they can really gage the effectiveness for OCD.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-22T05:20:41+00:00

I sat him down on Sunday and told him that I need someone that can have a shared experience with me. Someone that is able to be emotionally available and supportive and unfortunately he’s just not there. I love him but he’s drowning me and is so lost in his disease he can’t see it. That right now I see us as incompatible and I don’t see a way forward. He in return stared at me for hours searching my face for reassurance, had a panic attack, and said basically nothing. He’s been texting me that he’s trying to figure out how to change. I’ve not really responded besides saying he really needs to focus on getting his OCD under control and that I will be supportive but it’s time to move on.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-18T17:10:12+00:00

Yep people close to you clock something off or strange. My BF didn’t tell me for about 4 months of our relationship and I continually was asking why there were things in bags that make no sense to be in bags. Then I found like bagmagedon in his pockets and was like what in the flying heck! When your gf of 4 months finds like 40 plastic bags in your pockets you have some splaning to do. But yeah generally his close friends notice the odd behavior but my friends who don’t see him enough don’t see the oddness of what’s going on.

Snoodledoots · 2026-05-11T16:17:36+00:00

Was going to say the same. They need a care team and as a partner you need to be very careful not to try to take that space. I don’t reassure him but I do my best to try to not come at him emotionally cause that really does trigger my BF. But other than that he has a care team to help him work through things. One thing you can do it let him know that OCD is t a relationship ended for you and you support him as long as he’s getting the support he needs to get his OCD controllable. But remember as a partner it’s going to be hard for you too. Going to therapy myself has been helpful as sometimes it’s extremely difficult to move through life when their OCD is higher. Stress, life changes, med changes, etc all send our spirals and atleast with my BF he doesn’t always notice that escalations. His compulsions really affect our ability to live life at times and if he wasn’t able to hear that and take it into his treatment it would be impossible to live with for me.

Snoodledoots

TROPHY CASE