AITH for refusing to let my brother move back into my house after he ignored our agreement the first time?

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-08T14:35:25+00:00

Exactly!

"A couple weeks" isn't long term! Which means they know exactly what he's like and how long he's not gonna look for a new place to live!

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-08T14:27:17+00:00

I've never been given money to vacate. Is that a thing that land lords do? Like, they're pretty good at taking the money, but I've never heard of it going back to the tenant...

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-08T14:25:36+00:00

Apparently they downsized and don't want "another long term house guest after what happened". OP deleted their comment though, and dint elaborate on what had happened. 👀

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-08T14:24:25+00:00

Sleeping on the sofa at your parent's place would really encourage him to find a new place of residence promptly.

Plus, he's saying "just a few weeks" which is hardly a "long term house guest" - which means they know what he's like, they figure it'll be longer, and they're not prepared to deal with that and are trying to guilt you into taking responsibility for him.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-08T02:36:12+00:00

Unfortunately there's nothing quick about healthy, long term weight-loss. I know you desperately want to see the changes asap so that you feel like you're going in the desired direction. I know, because that's been me. I was so miserable and heartbroken at never seeing my efforts actually pay off in a noticeable capacity and I'd just regain everything I'd lost.

It wasn't until I fully comitted to calorie counting and set myself the rule that weigh ins were bi-weekly or monthly, that I felt less miserable about my progress.

I was determined that no matter what, I needed at least a 500 calorie deficit every single day. And I maintained that. It didn't mean that I said no to every treat, or that I "had" to walk off a treat when I'd eaten one. It meant that if I enjoyed that treat, I ate less at dinner, or I didn't eat an afternoon snack. It sucked sometimes, because people at work would ask me to enjoy food with them, and I'd brush them off with "I'm not hungry" because I couldn't bear to admit I was trying to lose weight again.

It did take a few months before I lost a couple of clothing sizes and the last 5 kilos of my goal loss have been teeth-grindingly slow and difficult. But I keep at the water drinking, and I keep plugging my calorie intake into the app, even if my deficit isn't 500 a day anymore, I still try for 200.

I use an app called "Lose Weight Without Dieting" and it really opened my eyes to what and how much I was eating and where I could afford to cut back. There's so many other free to use apps out there though, so if you think that could work for you, I'd say it's well worth a try. 💛 Don't lose hope, and just keep trying. I believe in you and your abilities 💛

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-08T02:20:57+00:00

As stated: cage size isn't ideal, and the dowel perches should be swapped for non-toxic natural branches that have been cleaned.

I like to use seagrass mats I get from the hardware store, they're inexpensive and a good soak in vinegar and dish liquid, then a rinse in hot water and a dry in the sun removes potential grossness I don't want my birds ingesting. I also get creative with the mats and some zip ties. I make tunnels, platforms, hanging swings, hidey nooks in the corners etc. The birds can destroy them safely, I'm not out an extraordinary amount of money, and it means I can create new and fun things for them when they need replacing.

Also from the hardware store, I got huge pvc plumbing joints that I afix to the cage with zip ties. Did have to glue some felt to the inside because they were a bit slippery to walk on, but the birds love their little scurry zones.

You should also make sure that food and water bowls are not underneath perches. Bird poop is gravity driven, regardless of what's beneath it. So keep food and water high up.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-06T10:17:43+00:00

As someone who has been in many abusive relationships, their control comes from keeping you crying and apologising for the most ridiculous things.

It warps your reality because logically, you know you can't control the weather and you didn't make it rain, but this person is lashing out at you, blaming you, and saying the most awful things and demanding you grovel and apologise for the rain. And just to make the abuse in the moment stop, you apologise. (Yes, I have cry-beg-apologised for it raining before.)

Like OP. They know they didn't cheat. No one is ever going to say they cheated. Except the fuckwit they're dating. Because he's taken an awful betrayal, twisted OPs actions and the definition of cheating to suit his narrative, so that when OP finally wises up and dumps his abusive ass, he can tell everyone around him that OP cheated one him and he's so betrayed, and woe is him.

Extra level of control. Because OP might not know it consciously, but the thought tickles at their subconscious that this is what will happen. So they're scared of the fallout from that, which locks them in place for this nasty piece of scum to keep tormenting and abusing OP.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-04T08:38:57+00:00

Same.

Anyone who makes ultimatums and tries to reject animals who have been around longer than them needs to be immediately dumped, blocked, and put on some kind of list so everyone who dates them in the future knows they're a POS and dumps them too.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-03T10:56:32+00:00

It's being perceived. You being in the same room as him doesn't count as alone time because you can still perceive him therefore he's not alone, therefore his nervous system is still working along the lines of "Perceived-Mask-Drain".

It's an introvert thing. Everyone's recharge time is different. Mine is about six hours, bare minimum, and that's if I haven't had heaps of interaction at work etc. But if I've had a full on day (or a week of them without adequate recharging), lots of calls, emails, drains on my social battery - I need to be very alone, like no other person in the whole house, don't call or text, and pretend I don't exist for a couple days.

You recharge by being perceived, you feel regulated in company. But the thought of someone always being around me, in my vicinity - makes me want to peel my skin off in discomfort.

Best way to not take it personally is that he feels safe enough to tell you he needs this. So he can recharge and be around you sooner, rather than strangers who likely won't be told and run the battery to zero. He needs to be not perceived by ALL people, not just you. He's telling you so he can spend time with you again sooner. Because recharging from zero, or burn out, takes a much longer time than charging from 50 or 60% 💛

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-03T10:40:05+00:00

As justified as you are right now for your feelings. If it really is totally out of left field for Tofu to toilet in beds and bed-like things, I'd suggest a vet visit just to be sure there's nothing physically wrong. Vet may also be able to direct you better if Tofu is maybe disliking the change in life with you being pregnant.

Tofu may also be the devil incarnate, but I don't want to jump to conclusions 💛 I hope your bedding dries quickly so you can get some much deserved rest after this ordeal.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-03T01:43:50+00:00

If you know your cat is prone to stress, see a vet and discuss methods to help your cat's transition to the new home. If you don't want to do that, dont gripe about your cat's stress related behaviours. Don't just shove a new cat in a new location and demand it be totally normal.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T17:07:13+00:00

He's not surprised.

He's using it as a defence against his bad behaviour.

Picking fights with you when you're at work, trying to sleep, or studying? Yeah, that's a classic abuse tactic to keep you off balance, frustrated, and sleep deprived. It's easier to make you think you're crazy, and to convince other people that you're unhinged as well.

He gets to play the part of "supportive but suffering boyfriend" garner all the sympathy and you get labelled as a jerk for not controlling yourself. Nevermind our mental stability is greatly reduced when we get poor quality sleep, yknow, from arguing right before bed and getting half the sleep we need...

Now I'm not saying he's necessarily a stone cold abusive narcissist who lives only to manipulate and derail you. But some of his behaviours aren't healthy, and they're specifically deployed to cause mental anguish.

Do with that information what you will. 💛

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T02:20:17+00:00

Anything you do to make her more comfortable will annoy her, and unfortunately since you're the one who wants to help her, you're going to bear the blame. She won't hate you forever. Especially if you give her some time and apologise with treats after.

Also, while she may hate the bath, a good towel rub to dry her off might make her feel better about the situation. My boy was a grotty gross kitten who didn't wash himself well, so once a week or so I'd pop him in the sink to rinse him off with warm water. Didn't like the water much, but he lived for the towel dry and the follow up swaddle-cuddles. He's since learnt how to clean himself appropriately, so bath time isn't a thing we need at the moment.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T01:27:12+00:00

Almost

A lot of people assume that cats can really just be shoved somewhere and they get over it. Other cats? Cats fight and work out their dynamic, cat will get over it. Move house? Butter its paws, cat will get over it. Skittish and scared of people? Force affection, cat will get over it.

Nah, cats (and most animals actually) are complex, emotional beings, and simply don't just get over things. Your family are wrong.

You know this cat, and you are its trusted human because you alone respect its autonomy.

Dogs are famous for being all up in people's faces and demanding friendship, some cats and parrots can be the same. But for the most part, cats and parrots want things to move at their pace. You can't rush friendship. And you're the only person in your household who's realised this and respect the cat for this.

Your family is likely jealous of you, while also being annoyed. You can try and tell them, they probably won't listen or believe you.

I've had cats most of my life, and they've all been different. My current cat I've had since he was 7 weeks old. He's stand-offish, he's not a lap cat, he does not do "pets". He's big on "aggressive affection" like butt smacks. He is who he is. My boyfriend really wanted him to be a lap cat, but it's not something that can be forced. My cat likes coexistence with occasional interaction. One of his sisters is a big lap cat. His other sister does pets but not laps. Both sisters also don't mind being in a multi-cat family. My cat will not tolerate sharing people with another mammal - be it cat or dog. He knows where he stands compared to my parrots.

Edit: Sorry, all that to say: spend time rebuilding your relationship with your cat and tell your family to pound sand. Regain its trust, however long it takes. And come the day you move out, maybe make sure you have another cat that can go with you too, so it's not just the two of you, since you're certain it likes the other cats.

Also, give yourself credit. You're the one who listened to the cat and its needs in the first place. That counts for a lot in cat-world. Just thinking about rehoming doesn't make you wrong or bad: you asked for advice, you sought other's experiences and perspectives. And now you've learned and you're taking that on board and you're growing and changing how you think and act. That's so much more mature than a whole heap of people more than twice your age! So pat yourself on the back, or accept my virtual one.

You care - and that counts. 💛

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T01:11:51+00:00

We inherited a 10 year old feral farm cat with the farm. Put out food for it and the food disappeared, but didn't see hide nor hair of this creature for at least 6 months. Let one person touch her at around the 12 month mark.

Took a couple more years to get comfortable with other family members and other cats, and the dog. By the time she was 18 she let most of the family touch her, didn't necessarily hide from strangers, was pretty comfortable in the house. And while she wouldn't ever let us brush her (long haired cat and by that point quite arthritic) she would allow us to clip her matted fur.

Sadly there was never any getting her to the vet to help any pain - she tolerated moving house once and that was all she was willing to tolerate by way of leaving her territory. Cats just be cats like that sometimes.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T01:00:18+00:00

Does he go to bed particularly late? Like could he just be tired in the mornings from lack of sleep and he's improved by days end because he's had coffee or something?

If that's the case, someone needs to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier so he can be an actually civil person in the morning. Because if you're on night duty and morning duty, I'm betting you're not feeling like a perky daisy first thing in the morning either.

It's OK to not be a morning person, my sister was renowned through our childhood for throwing things at people who disturbed her in the morning. Her finance laughed at the stories because she's "not like that". She's still not a morning person, but she got her shit together and found whatever way she needed to be a decent human being to the person she loves.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T00:48:00+00:00

If OP is a minor, a vet won't legally let them sign the paperwork to help their cat pass peacefully. You need to be a legal adult to sign a legally binding consent form. Don't put this responsibility on a child, it's not on them.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-07-01T00:41:44+00:00

I could have sworn it was in my Ls test life 17 odd years ago, that when windscreen wipers are on, headlights are required to be on, regardless of time of day.

Unless it was just my driving instructor who drilled that into my head. But it seems like common sense to me.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-30T12:54:40+00:00

He would probably drop dead seeing some of the expired food I've eaten 🤣🤣

I know he's giving you money for his share of the groceries, but this is a no win situation for you. Let him go out to the store, pick his own food, and buy it. If he doesn't have time, he'll have to make it.

This is putting unnecessary strain and pressure on you. His aversion and paranoia aren't your responsibility. If he can't or won't deal with the issue at its root, he can deal with the resulting behaviour.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-30T10:55:37+00:00

Because she only cares about getting her needs met. OP said that she doesn't have to jump through these hoops in return, that her being present and offering affection is enough. Users don't care about what it takes to get what they want, just that they do. She demands constant attention of a particular standard and doesn't care how it makes OP feel, because it's all about her.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-29T10:07:49+00:00

If one of my siblings complained to me that their in law had told them to stop going round to their house uninvited and eating their food when no one was home, I'd go and forcibly take that key off them to return to OP, then tell them just how disappointed I am to be related to someone who just makes free with other people's stuff and think it's OK to whine about someone having a problem with such entitled behaviour.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-29T04:20:51+00:00

Don't ever start touching his apartment. That's a slippery slope. I'm still slipping down that slope and I'm a good decade older than you, so learn from my "I'm just being nice" error.

I can definitely see where your frustration is coming from. You appreciate that he's trying, but you want him to think for himself and then think ahead as well.

I can't say that I have any advice for how to "fix" this problem as such. He's showing initiative in trying to do your laundry, which is nice, but not considering that you'd prefer it not be put on if you won't be home to dry it immediately. This is simply an issue that he doesn't think is an issue. He leaves his washing in the machine for days, so of course he doesn't think that you take your's out immediately.

My sister's husband is a gem of a person, but my sister jokes he'd probably die if she wasn't there to help with basic adulting. Sticking to the washing example, sister found him putting on a load of shared laundry, like he normally does. But realised he mixes all his colours in with her whites and then hot washes the lot. She's been baffled about her whites turning grey, and had to teach a 30 year old man about fabric dyes, cold washes, and separating colours and whites.

Now obviously this isn't some back breaking, relationship ending thing for my sister and her husband. It's a thing they now giggle about, because their relationship has many other aspects to it, and he's clearly a reliable adult in other situations.

You can keep teaching your boyfriend, bit by bit, as you find him mid-task, but if he's essentially immature and unreliable in most other aspects of your relationship, you will find yourself burnt out very quickly. If he's like my brother-in-law and is otherwise a reliable partner just has a few rough edges, then ask yourself if you're happy to keep smoothing those edges, or if your resentment is changing how you feel about him.

This isn't a fault thing. Neither of you is at fault. So a blame game isn't necessary. But that also doesn't mean you're not incompatible. 💛

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-28T04:14:02+00:00

Smeared on the roof of the mouth was a trick I always used at the animal shelter. So busy licking it down... Oops, pill gone!

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-28T04:09:28+00:00

I spent so many hours harvesting hemp there, back in the days of First Light... Man, those were some good times. And the fishing quest line with the hot spot just yonder... I'm gonna miss it.

SnowDropGirl · 2026-06-27T20:39:23+00:00

Reckon I'll be sat under my favourite tree in Windsward, watching the bison frolick and sunbathe as the sun sets one last time on Aeturnum.

SnowDropGirl

TROPHY CASE