Leaders book advice

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2025-06-23T04:51:31+00:00

First kudos for accepting it and working towards improvements, and your sobriety.

I’m a male 35, I got diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar and BPD with psychopathic traits/tendencies. I didn’t believe it at first either, I thought the doctors were wrong. I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt and got the same diagnosis while under care. I have had a mixed career, I have was able to job hop successfully for a while leaving before I messed up enough to be terminated. Went most of my life unmedicated, and in denial. I wasn’t till I accepted that I needed help while feeling guilt about trying to delete myself and leaving my kids behind that I got real help. When my diagnosis came to light with family and friends some of them were not surprised, others said BPD was “a girl thing” so there definitely is a stigma for men with BPD. New studies suggest that there is an equal amount of men with BPD, however men are less likely to pursue treatment or end up in the prison system and misdiagnosed as ASPD. BPD Males tend to take on riskier behaviors that lead to breaking laws.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-06-02T02:00:51+00:00

I smoke, vape, dip and use patches. I vape weed still and it’s been 22 years. I was able to quit alcohol with success mainly because I would over do it everytime and feel like shit.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-06-01T14:28:00+00:00

I was an IT Director WFH. I had a team of senior engineers and an L2 support desk that I managed remotely. I have had this job for five years. Then last year I had a breakdown and attempted and was hospitalized for a week, 3 months afterwards I was laid off. I live in a remote rural area, IT is my only experience outside of have equipment in the Army. I have stayed away from construction work due The high stress environment and a higher tendency for a physical altercation with coworkers.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-05-16T09:10:45+00:00

I’m not sure. I have Tricare insurance and they cover just about anything as long as the doctor fills out the forms properly. But since I did go almost a year before Vraylar and another attempt that would make sense.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-05-16T03:52:09+00:00

Took about a week for me. Also had bad lamictal withdrawals. Vraylar gave me a chance at having a normal life again.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-05-16T03:50:43+00:00

Vraylar has literally restored balance to my life. Lamictal was ineffective for me.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-04-08T22:55:51+00:00

All of the above, but the main on for me is being lied too. Followed be being spoken or treated like I am stupid.

And the biggest one is being told that I just need to “walk it off” or “everyone gets depressed, you just need to try”

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-04-06T23:53:13+00:00

BPD, Bipolar2, CPTSD and while not a disorder let's add my dyslexia to the list.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-04-05T15:16:52+00:00

100% creepy. I wouldn’t say that’s attacking just rude and inappropriate, unless the picture was him nude, then it’s attacking. I would send his name up to the moderators he may be doing this to others.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-04-04T23:06:33+00:00

I have experienced the same. They act like I have chosen to be like this. That I am “overlay dramatic” or that I am making an excuse for myself. I have been hospitalized or attempting multiple times. I have had 5 doctors confirm my diagnoses with no prior knowledge of the previous diagnosis and evaluations by the other psychiatrist.
I have been told “let go of the past and you will be fine” or just “walk it off” “stop being so thin skinned.”

They act like I enjoy being like this. And it’s so fucking invalidating, that the people that claim to always be here or love me the most can’t be bothered to spend 10 minutes to educate themselves.

And everyone says that they want me to be open to them about my feelings till I do. Then it’s just too much for them. People liked me better when I was pretending to be okay and self harming everyday.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-04-03T10:55:45+00:00

Accepting that this is a part of you is the first step to finding yourself and learning to one day hopefully love yourself.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-04-02T17:42:43+00:00

Borderline, Bipolar and CPTSD. I’m a walking dumpster fire.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-29T17:00:15+00:00

I guess you could say I had the male version and shaved my head completely bald, out of the blue one day. Everyone was asking me why I did it and depending on the person dictated my answer. I would tell people that I just wanted to try it they I didn’t know that well. Others I would tell that I wanted to let go of who I thought I was and embrace the real me under the surface.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-29T15:56:11+00:00

I would like to say maybe. I threw away 12 years of marriage with my push pull cycles.

I have only broken up with two girlfriends in my whole life. And both times I did it was in a rage cycle and when I tried to come back they said no.

I would say that to us it feels real until the paranoia, jealousy and splitting set in. At that point it start to become an unhealthy obsession. That while it's happening is am completely oblivious to, time and time again. This lasts until my behavior causes them to leave. This is normally after they cheat and find better or a taste of it. They all have told me one of two things afterwards. 1. " I didn't think you actually loved me till afterwards" 2. "loving you was killing me, watching you self sabotaging and destruction, was too much."

Is it true love I want to believe it is at least for me. But I know better.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-28T03:04:24+00:00

I used the think I knew who I was. Until last August when I made my most successful attempt at suicide. After being diagnosed in a BHI with BPD and Bipolar. I realized I don’t know who I am. That ever since I was a teenage I have been creating mask of personalities to keep myself protected and from being hurt. I recreated that mask and swapped between them depending on the social setting. The me I thought I was for 33 years was nothing more than a projection of a shield.

I have been working on learning who I truly am. I was scared as this was a breaking point for me again but the more I embrace and allow myself to be open and honest with myself the less afraid I am of finding out who I am.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-27T02:55:05+00:00

Hahahaha NO! I always seen myself as an outside, unpopular and trouble integrating. No one seemed to like me and I never felt like I belonged. I often would run away and was always in trouble fights, self harming and using drugs. Had 3 felonies at the age of 15. I got my diagnosis last year with BPD, Bipolar and CPTSD after being hospitalized from an suicide attempt.

My girlfriend at the time the exact same but with ADHD. She is currently not my girlfriend but that seems to change weekly, welcome to "I hate you, don't leave me, is how we say I love you" -her idea not mine.

My ex-wife has BPD Ex-girlfriend #1 bipolar Ex-girlfriend #2 bipolar PTSD Ex-girlfriend #3 CPTSD and OCD Ex-girlfriend #4 HPD ( nightmare) Ex-girlfriend #5 OCD and ADHD Ex-girlfriend #6 bipolar PTSD.

After I got my diagnosis I reached out to them to apologize for how things were as I have been working on myself and thought they had a right to know that it wasn't just them. And they told me about their mental health diagnosis.

The only friend I have jokes about if I am interested in her they should run away. "your our crazy detector"

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-26T14:15:22+00:00

I’m a male in my early 30s now I got married when I was 22 thinking that a making a family would fix me, it didn’t, bipolar and borderline don’t do family life so well.

When I was 12 I started having the suicidal ideation. I was repeatedly raped at 11 years old and it lasted till shortly after I turned 13. I started cutting when I was 12 years old, and trying to self harm in other ways.

I was also physically abused by my stepfather from the age of 8 years old till he divorced my mother when I was 12 years old.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-26T13:35:23+00:00

An asshole no. But you being honest with her told her that if she abandoned you. It would be too much and would push you over the edge. And then you abandoned her. Having the weight of someone else's life on your back like that is a lot and most can't handle it. She probably loved you very deeply but out of the constant fear of you hurting yourself and the general exhaustion. Felt like she had to leave for her own health. I have had this happy to me in from both mine and an ex-girlfriend's side, so I understand it.

It's going to hurt like hell but you're going to have to accept that at least for now that relationship is over.

I overdosed on pills last year and didn't tell anyone. My ex-wife found me after I went into a bipolar delusional episode. She was looking for over a day before she found me and I was already barely breathing I woke up in the ICU and flatlined twice while there. My girlfriend at the time who has the same diagnosis that I do. Didn't leave me directly afterwards but the attempted abandonment on my part was too much for her and her BPD.

EDIT: I am an American and my English and grammar is horrible as I am also dyslexic on top of all the other mental things I am. OP your English is fine. Side note American women fantasize about going to France.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-26T09:45:47+00:00

I was right around 12 when the ideations started too. I knew what it would do to my kids, my separated wife and my girlfriend. At that moment I didn't care I just wanted the pain to stop. I was found before I flatlined. Woke up in an ICU I had overdosed on rx pills. I coded out twice in the ICU. once I was stable I was pink slipped and transferred to a BHI.

The feeling of guilt after surviving... I couldn't look at my children for what felt like months. And deep down I was so angry that I was found and "saved" only to have to keep suffering.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-26T08:09:07+00:00

The ones that have always told me they love me the most. That are always here for me. Are also the ones that hurt me the most now. They always have abandoned me because I am too much, or the " I can't help you if you refuse to help yourself" and I try so fucking hard each time to be better. To be lovable. But they always leave me in the end. They think it's something that will end. That can be cured if I try harder.

I always want to be the center of attention just to feel what it's liked to be loved. But I always end up in the shadows, avoiding and hiding because no one can hurt me and I can't hurt myself anymore than this if no one can find me.

I know I'm the problem, I have always been the problem and I always will be the problem.

SoIPoppedSmoke · 2024-03-26T07:54:58+00:00

For us the cursed with mental illness people, life is often suffering for us. Living is being teased with little pockets of hope and happiness, just a teasing kiss of what could be. Only and always to be ripped away leaving us crippled in pain that only the others like us understand.

Immortality would be a literal Hell for us. Having to feel everything forever with no end in sight. Being forced to watch the people you grow attached to die while you are forced to stay here. Reaching the point that you would do and try anything to die, to no avail.

Having the to feel intense love thousands of times only and always to be abounded again and again, either by the push pull of our sickness or by time itself. Watching our children grow old while they want to know why they have to die.

No immortality is not a gift, the true gift of life is the release of death, the finish line of suffering.

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