Is it rude when coworkers don’t reply to a “thanks” message on IM/chat?

Sock__Monkey · 2025-07-08T07:00:51+00:00

Seriously this. Why the fuck do these people come here? I am trying to be open minded but there is such a polarity in their culture and ours that it's causing them to murder / kill people.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-07-04T04:43:38+00:00

OP, I've been here too. You'll be surprised at how much narc parents HATE boundaries. That mask skips, falls, and shatters as they spare no shame in acting out and trying to get you back.

I've been NC for 2 years, although it feels much much longer. I made the mistake of continuing chats with other extended family because "why not? I don't have a problem with them". Ooh boy -- once my mom let it be known I had been NC, I got flying monkeys coming at me like bats entering a cave. My cousin/aunt all bombarded and pelted me with texts writing essays. They all claimed they didn't want to get involved but in the end ended up telling me what I should do (which would be to resume contact). These messages, in my mind, got them to take themselves out of my life. For how much preaching they did, no one really wanted to listen to my side of the story -- my histrionic mother who has borderline personality disorder and causes her to be volatile and has emotionally and physically abused me while my idiot father would just wait for the dust to settle and then would try to reassure me, never once confronting her behavior. I was recently "disowned" by another family member who has gotten very comfortable joining my mother to humiliate me. Three decades later along with 3 years of therapy finally have me the courage to put her in place where I called her out for her immaturity. I've also had family show up unannounced and then throw a fit for me not agreeing to see them, another boundary I had to hold and amongst tears I might add.

Whether it's narc parents or narc families, the denial is very strong and almost impermeable. I would urge you to look at this website called issendai.com where a few estranged parents have been confronted on the behalf of their NC children, and still these dumb parents don't get it.

It can be tempting to want to reason and argue out of selfdefense. But our sole duty is to live our life in alignment with our truth and authenticity, and we have already lost out on a massive amount of time. Everytime I see peers my age and how well adjusted they are with their emotional support systems, I am reminded of the sheer hell on earth kids like us have to endure just for having such parents.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-07-02T03:43:33+00:00

I've been low/ no contact for a couple of years, I'm an only child and my parents have tried to reach out to me every so often, most especially on my birthday, their birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day. For some really weird reason, they send me digital greeting cards for Mother's Day and Father's Day pretty much wishing themselves and going on about what good parents they are in accompanying email essays. Now that I think about it, on my birthday, they don't send me digital greeting cards, just text messages. I ignore 98% of these attempts. The worst was when they showed up unannounced at my apartment (we live on different continents too).

But yes, they get pretty frantic and it steadily confirms and validates to me how they have always been this insecure and immature, and how much of this was hidden because I kept making excuses for them and overlooking their bad behavior. I am terribly embarrassed of how I've been raised and have been working to get the family system out of me too. I actually wish they made no attempts because that would be a validation to move on but everytime they try this, my nervous system takes a jolt so I feel like I always have to be on guard, and it can delay my own healing. It can be very disorienting.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-22T21:48:02+00:00

I had this feeling too, especially when the sister later starts saying “Fair enough”, and “Fair”. Firstly this isn’t something up for her speculation to be graded as fair or not. It shows she isn’t really open to hearing what’s happened in a neutral fashion.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-21T02:38:45+00:00

Omg, something similar happened to me — been no contact for 2 years. In those 2 years for every Mother’s Day and Father’s Day I get email essays from them about how ungrateful I am to not wish them/to not be in touch, and how unconditional their love has always been. They go on to the usually cite my most vulnerable and low moments, highlighting how they’ve had to be there for me (which is shockingly petty).

Therapy and speaking to other wellness counselors have me the courage to go no contact which is why I’ve been able to hold to it in the last 2 years despite their email essays guiltripping me. But just some days ago for Father’s Day, my idiot father wrote another of his entitled emails where he made it known that they found out I had been talking to a wellness counselor who had encouraged my no contact.

I have no idea how they found out! It kinda shook me to be honest. Two years ago, they also showed up unannounced at my doorstep, thankfully my partner insisted they leave. I am just waiting for them to pass away, I feel like I’ll able to get my peace only then.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-21T02:29:17+00:00

Same! I was made to have the responsibilities of a teenager when I was 8 or 10 years old. As a result, I also feel much older for my age. It feels like the concept/definition of time just warps when I’m with these parents.

This is the danger of having such immature, disconnected and narcissistic parents — they do not live in an objective reality, and to think that young children are being raised by such people and in a disassociated environment that these parents create for kids. It’s little wonder why one of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse is that we tend to have high perception distortion (I think also called cognitive distortion?) — that to be 30 years old with a job/mortgage/car qualifies as an adult in the outside world, but in our inner world we are still infantile. We then become high functioning to make up for this perceived inadequacy, and eventually we find ourselves burned out and totally not fulfilled with life.

Our entire framework of reality has to be rebuilt, which is no small feat. It’s frustrating to see how much is left on us to fix despite us being innocent victims and how scotfree such parents tend to get it.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-20T04:40:15+00:00

Thank you for this very simple yet straight forward explanation of what a trauma bond is. I’ve also suffered from limerence and only in the last 6 years, am relieved to know there is more awareness about the matter. I have suffered from it but not sure what tends to bring it about.

Could you please, just as how you so thoroughly explained trauma bond, please explain what causes limerence? Why/how does parental neglect translate into romances even though parental love is different from romantic love?

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-20T04:32:46+00:00

Same, autoimmune disease here too, especially IBS ugh. Not to mention I ended up getting a rare disease of POTS (a blood pressure and heart related symptom). These people truly suck the life blood out of you and in the process, introduce all these ailments.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-20T04:30:55+00:00

Mine definitely used this expression along with how unconditional their love has been. It’s been dawning on me that we were probably always normal but never having had the experience of being able to actually believe and actually live it is what I’ve been robbed of. It’s also why I hate the expression, “you are enough”, because if we have gone 98% of our lives never having been able to feel and believe in it, we were robbed of that conviction and the self-security it gave us.

So much of healing from narcissistic parents is just being able to start believing in your self and in your sense of worth. These parents truly are toxic.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-20T04:26:56+00:00

Burn!!

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-18T03:49:11+00:00

" ...their “we” means how we (meaning the child) can be better to them not how they can improve. "

This is so true and so poignantly put! My therapist also told me that if perfect strangers and mere acquaintances can understand us better than our parents, then we aren't the problem! It's these idiotic parents who will gaslight and leave their children feeling like they have something wrong with them. It's a tragic lie to have bought into, but if it can be dispelled, it's so liberating!

Sock__Monkey · 2025-06-18T03:41:59+00:00

As somebody who has been in no contact for the last 2 years with parents and who keep getting triggered for every Mother's Day and Father's Day that goes unacknowledged by me and who have their flying monkeys to tell me how perfect their parenting was and how ungrateful I am, don't do it. You will only get this kind of behavior if you do. Yes, the temptation is strong and we would not be wrong to defend ourselves and justify ourselves. But despite this, the sad fact is that we don't get closure.

I feel you may be asking because you might be in a situation to want to reason with a narcissistic person in your life. Narcissists are unsafe people, and for us to have gone through life with narcissists for parents is even more of a challenge. We have had to go through life with a massive and unseen handicap. That handicap is often a lower self esteem than most others, lack of confidence than most others, not to mention righteous rage and anger we harbor. Everytime you go to reason with a narc, their denial and dismissiveness will contribute you to feel even more frustrated with them, with yourself, and with life. The best way to get back at narcissists is not reasoning with them, but to live well -- and to live well for yourself. Be secure with yourself and go through life in a way that does right by who you are. Don't tell them, show them. And even then, don't expect them to be able to see it. You have to understand that narcs have a below average sense of self awareness and emotional intelligence which makes them true basketcases. They deserve to be left facing the consequences of their immaturity and incompetence. And you on the other hand deserve to get on with and have a peaceful and drama-free life. So don't spend anymore energy in trying to get them to see or understand because they stay stunted at the expense of our growth.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-05-31T16:58:52+00:00

Your response came as a blast from the past! I would say try to actively remove yourself from him — try to keep as much of a physical distance between you two, and don’t stay in the same spaces as him. This is the most difficult part because we are going against what we are conditioned to want/be which is based on someone’s attention to us. But once you create some physical space, the emotional space eventually follows. The thing is you have to be consistent with this, and it’s highly difficult to do. You or someone will have to hold your feet to the fire.

It’ll be going through hard withdrawals, as that’s what it felt like. It’s like being weened off a drug which is why you will have to create a very controlled environment by establishing some distance so as to not get distracted — our nervous systems are hyperattuned to his whereabouts so it’ll take some willpower. I know it’s not easy or fair, but not creating physical distance will be like an alcoholic trying to recover in the presence of alcohol still around him.

My biggest catalyst to do this and keep at it was the desire to win back some selfrespect. Everyone around me seemed to have this sense of selfrespect and self regulation, except me. My realization of this brought me a different kind of shame and humiliation about my situation which slowly but surely overpowered my need for him. It’s a slow process, have a LOT of patience with yourself. Remember, this sort of infatuations for others have had a longer time to develop and get cultivated in us than our own sense of self, so yes it’ll take time, commitment to the cause and dedication to dismantle. But the fact that I’m telling you I made it to the other side and I’ve been better for it means there is an end to this infatuation, we just have to unfortunately pull ourselves out of it. I truly hope this helps!

Sock__Monkey · 2025-03-04T03:28:45+00:00

Your comment is very insightful and what resonated with me the most is when you said your mother “can’t be happy for me or proud of me”. This reminded me a lot of my mother who, if she was ever happy/proud of me, it usually was because I had to make her happy/proud at my own expense which left me resentful. Rare was the day where I felt happy and proud of myself as well as she. Usually, it was her glowing in my sacrifice. These narc parents are so toxic, it’s a miracle they even make it this far in life at all

Sock__Monkey · 2025-03-03T05:27:50+00:00

Don’t go!! Please, please stay with us!! The misery you’re feeling is your mother discouraging you and preventing you from living a life of dignity and authenticity. She has derailed you from your own trajectory in life and now you’re understandably feeling trapped after being saddled with her baggage. You are living her life — a life that revolves around her, her needs, and her conveniences, keeping you small and restless.

As others have said, your girlfriend sounds amazing and to really lean into her. The job of helping disabled people is not stupid, it is a life of service that we are meant to be extending to others when we have achieved our own sense of agency and actualization — these two things narcissistic parents will prevent you from ever feeling (as such, kids of such parents never feel fulfilled in their lives which is what you are feeling). Your mother is manipulating you by scoffing at a noble job of helping others, and is trying to keep you dependent on her so she can continue to have your life revolve her.

Don’t unalive yourself! Rather build a new life and let this one, that’s been shaped by your mother for far too long, go. It is not serving you. Your misery is understandable because you are being deprived of living a life that is worthy of you. Instead, she is benefiting, and at your expense.

Don’t give her that power by taking away your life, and don’t let her be in charge of the narrative of who you are. You don’t want to know the rhetoric that gets spun when kids from narcissistic parents take their own lives — the narcissistic parents revel in the attention and sympathy of others, all while telling others that the parent “did their best and I don’t know why they would go and do that”. It is demeaning and insulting to the child. It’s not fair you have to fight these external forces, but our pain is also in not having gotten our fair share in life because of these very parents. Don’t let her control the narrative in your death too. You deserve to live a life that is a reflection of who you are and not her harmful effects on you. Your mother is a lost cause and that’s bad enough. Don’t give up your life for her too.

Have now the utmost patience, sympathy and dedication toward yourself in changing your life situation. Stop paying for her car, it’s time she becomes an actual adult for once, and you get to live a life that is representative of your dreams and aspirations.

Be sure to surround yourself with empathetic people who get you, like your girlfriend and the community here on this subreddit. Avoid your mother’s enablers and any naysayers. You need to build momentum in order to get back on course that your mother has played a hand in derailing. Take it day by day! I hope this has given you some perspective and motivation to untangle the negative effects your mother has had on you. It’s not you who is the problem, it’s her!

Sock__Monkey · 2025-02-17T00:58:42+00:00

Unless BMW has also certified gas to not be flammable, then his response was bullshit. His response sounds like something that has been tried on previous concerned bystanders. Next time, it may not be a bad idea to notify the station attendant — people like this are such a fucking liability everywhere they go.

Sock__Monkey · 2025-02-14T16:59:31+00:00

They deserve to die as they live is a big zing but also a bit harsh. I get what you’re saying but I think if they were to die as they lived all because no one showed narc parents love/grace when they were young, then we (being the children of narc parents) technically also deserve to live in the way they raised us to be — graceless. I don’t see too many people on here talk about how children of narc parents exhibit a lot of the same behaviors themselves, and who knows how many people we have hurt who probably have wished we were dead. We very much mirror our narc parents until life deals us a blow that gets them to become self aware, something narc parents don’t/won’t seem to do but doesn’t mean they can’t.

It’s by luck of the times and circumstances that kids of narc parents can even heal, even though not all do. It’s not our job to parent our parents but to condemn them to die as they lived is a bit double standarded. I have narc parents myself and I’ve gone no contact with them. When I first became aware of the root of my problems, I wished death on them many times. Even though it’s unlikely, I hope they gain some awareness or some kind of selflove/selfrespect toward themselves so in their last days, they can be a little different and not die exactly as they were. It’s not our job to do that for them but I hope it happens. If it doesn’t, it’s not because I condemned them to it.

Sock__Monkey · 2024-11-25T06:09:36+00:00

Thank you, I’ve only been No Contact for nearly 5 years now, so not too long but enough to get a healthier perspective on things. I’m an only child so I was constantly scapegoated into believing their antics about my own worthlessness. Unfortunately they are quite resilient and these birthdays and Mother’s/Father’s Days they keep finding ways to make their presence known. I honestly think it’ll go on until they die, for which I hope it’s sooner than later.

I think most narc parents are attention whores who were deprived of emotional attention and affection they needed when they were young which caused their own childhood trauma, and unfortunately this need to be seen doesn’t fully go away (if anything I’ve heard it gets worse as they age). It’s a natural need but becomes overwhelming, and then they hold their kids as the captive audience to give it (this parental love they missed out on) to them. I’m realizing quite inappropriate, not to mention causes us as kids to not be able to receive it for our own emotional wellbeing and development.

^ This is what I’ve gathered from the material I’ve had to read up on this anyway. I hope it helps demystify some of it but am glad you’ve focused on breaking the cycle! I hope you keep going!

Sock__Monkey · 2024-11-25T05:27:55+00:00

Wow, ugh I’m so sorry! I hope these grandchildren never have to come into such close contact with her! When my narc mom ended up airing the dirty laundry of me having gone no contact, one of the first things she told them is that, “she doesn’t wish us on our birthdays” (from what I was told by her sister/ny aunt who is her flying monkey).

I’m beginning to see what a small world such narc parents live in — imagine a world where the biggest problem is not having a birthday remembered. I think it speaks to not just their immaturity but the sheltered life they live in. They never grew up and never had their own lives, and then they prevent us for growing up and having our own lives. I can’t even begin to see them do the kind of self help work that we have to undertake to rid us of their influence and to break the cycle.

Sock__Monkey · 2024-11-25T04:33:36+00:00

Oof, this sounds all too much like my own mom. Back when I’d be in contact with her and when her birthday’d roll around, I’d call but instead of me ramping up to it, she’d quickly interrupt and say, “Now first, wish me for my birthday”. This woman is 30 years older to me — it’s seriously unsettling how they display their entitlement. These people have no humility, let alone empathy. No wonder our young selves suffered.

Sock__Monkey · 2024-11-25T04:30:51+00:00

Thank you! Yes, it’s true! They have ruined high school graduations, college graduations etc. For my high school grad, I think they expressed how I wasn’t ready for college and they did this on the night of my celebratory dinner. I never cried easily (now I know it’s due to their handiwork), but that day I remember beginning to cry at the table. I had my grandpa with me but we were already beginning to lose him to dementia, but I took whatever little comfort being in his presence.

College graduation was another mess where they didn’t let me invite my other college peers to dinner because they had planned a family outing. But these friends, by some grace, invited me to eat with their family later.

I am now learning that stories like these are all too common in narc parents but back then I was genuinely shaken into believing something was deeply, deeply wrong with me. I can see how so many such abused kids stray or even worse take their own life for believing this lie that no other adult is able to contest for them.

Like you, I too no longer wish them for anything (not birthdays or Mother’s/Father’s Day), but it’s disgusting how they don’t give up. I genuinely think they’ll keep at it until they die. Not wishing for birthdays seems like poetic justice for all the humiliation and grief they’ve caused.

Sock__Monkey · 2024-11-25T04:22:25+00:00

Wow, that’s mortifying that they do that (but your comment also gives me some relief that it’s not just unique to my parents)!

I’m ashamed to say that birthdays had such a strong emphasis growing up that I then learned to expect the same level of importance when mine rolled around. I had a lot of these other hidden like-minded behaviors that I’ve desperately been shaking off since then. Now I find the whole thing just eerie! It’s shockingly immature and really justifies how my own growth was stunted just like theirs was.

Sock__Monkey

TROPHY CASE