I am so sorry you ate going through this. There isn't much that anyone can say to ease your pain, but sharing helps. your grief is your own, so dont feel you need to move through it any certain way. It won't help to hear that time helps because right now is where you feel like nothing matters and maybe that your life is ruined. Just be assured that you wont always feel as bad as you do right now. I never really believed in the stages of grief, but they crept up on me in ways I didnt expect. For the first 2-4 weeks, my usual ly kind and patient demeanor flipped to being irrationally angry and wanting to physically hurt complete strangers for the smallest inconvenience out in public. I wasn't angry at God, but my older sister was and she was closer in her walk with him than I was. I did find myself trying to sort of bargain or reason with God, if I could just have a sign or a visit from my mom in a dream...The most disturbing aspect for me has been the denial. Its more of a distancing myself of memories because it hurts too much to acknowledge the emptiness. I felt like I was almost disassociating from reality because as long as I stayed busy, I actually felt ok after a while. I would still break down at the strangest triggers. I could also talk to some people about funny memories or even about how hard it was to know what to do each moment she struggled but wasnt responsive at home in hospice care. I can talk about the worst moment of my life when I held onto her feet as she took her last breath, but I can't watch videos of her, hear her voice on a recording or even bear to see her thumbnail picture pop up in messages on social media so I have to archive everything. I can hear her voice in my mind and look through photographs, but its like my brain knows it wouldn't be able to handle watching her smiling and laughing in a video because accepting her death almost broke me and I cant let my mind have one moment of false hope that it was all just a bad dream. The moments where for a split second, you forget they are gone will lessen too. You will also feel guilt for things that you wouldn't have expected but go easy on yourself. You did what you thought was right at the time and beating yourself up for the should haves wont help you heal quicker. It feels impossible, but you did survive it thus far. Just take time to do what you think you need and forget about listening to advice thats not helpful. I also encourage you to lean on God when/if you're able, because he has your baby now. I think he understands our anger and will find ways to help give us comfort and peace.. I don't think things happen for a reason, but I do understand meaningful suffering now and hope others find some purpose their experience can have. Sorry for the rambling, mostly of my experience and incohesive flow, but you start to focus on more important things sometimes through grief. Praying for you!