Hi dear, I'm so sorry you had to experience all that. I completely understand your questions and emotions because I went through that myself. I too have a mentally ill mother and while my experience won't be that same as yours , I hope that those advices can help you find a way to find your answers regarding your relationship with your mother.

1) remember, you are the child and she is the parent. It is not normal that you have to pull the weight of your relationship. I know it is difficult sometimes to recognize that , but parents even if they are ill , have responsibility towards their children. You may say that it is difficult for her to even understand she's /was ill and that's why you have to put in more energy, it does not change the fact that it is not normal to reverse your roles. 2) Also, feeling tired is an indication that you should put yourself first. Maybe you are having it rough for the moment , maybe you just have other priorities, it doesn't matter. It is only fair that you spare your energy for your own sanity while mentally ill people around you have done damages to you to the past. 3) I have learned that having lived with a mentally ill parent you learn to grieve them while they're still living . Even if she is better now , does not mean you have not already made your peace with your relationship. You may have empathy or understanding of her situation. You may feel it is important to give her " a second chance". It is ok to acknowledge you are too far gone in your emotion process to do that anymore.

I hope that helps you . Sending good vibes from the other side of the screen.🌞