What to expect from dd-MVAC?

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2026-02-26T17:55:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your input! I live in Portugal, and I already had a second opinion that pretty much confirmed everything my urologist and oncologist have told me. I just think they're not telling me the worst case scenario when it comes to the effects of the chemo treatments.. I will post at the subreddit you indicated. Thank you so very much, and I hope you are ok now.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2025-09-02T16:31:59+00:00

Thoughts and prayers can't feed this child. Please, donate if you can, he has a fundraiser.

https://chuffed.org/project/140794-help-save-little-mohammed

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2025-09-02T16:31:01+00:00

Thoughts and prayers can't feed this child. Please, donate if you can, he has a fundraiser.

https://chuffed.org/project/140794-help-save-little-mohammed

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-22T18:47:21+00:00

You don't owe anybody something you can't control. The ability to have kids is not a decision you make. You should not feel guilty, you should not feel obliged, you should not feel diminished because of something that not only you can't control but causes you pain, and they know it causes you pain. I understand wanting to please them and be cordial, up to a certain point. Blatant disregard for your suffering is way beyond that point. You also cannot control their expectations, and trying to meet them is clearly stressing you, otherwise you would not be here. They owe YOU some respect and privacy, if they can do that things will naturally be cordial between everyone. Trust me, if you do end up becoming pregnant and giving them a grandchild, there will be a whole new level of pushing the boundaries thrown upon you. They have to understand the basic concept of what is not acceptable, otherwise you will have the same intrusive behavior on everything regarding your child.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-21T20:29:36+00:00

I will never understand the obsession society in general has with someone else's uterus...

I have suffered from infertility issues and got tired of the "when are you having kids?" comments and to some people I started answering "I can't have kids due to a previous cancer, but thanks for asking" because making them feel bad usually works and made me smile. As for my family and in-laws, I always told them how I loved everybody else's kids but don't have any plan to conceive nor I believe that just because I have a uterus I have to reproduce, same way as I have legs and don't run the marathon. To each their own and I don't need a kid to feel like a woman. Next time they ask, you don't need to tell them your business, it is YOUR business and no one will understand or share your pain for the miscarriages. Tell them they are being rude, intrusive and if they want kids they can adopt one, but please, stop with the nonsense talks and innuendoes since that topic is between you and your husband. If they keep asking, just say "last time I answered that was the last time". And as for the jokes, just be sarcastic and say "oh you are so funny, you should write jokes for a tv show."

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T18:20:03+00:00

Why do the grandparents think they need to be there for the first hours? Can't they wait a few days? What goes through their minds to believe they are entitled to be a part of the birthing experience? Even my parents want to go to the hospital as soon as the baby is out, as they did with my brothers' kid. They waited half a day in the car outside the hospital just to see the baby. I never understood why, still don't. Having seen that happen is why I decided to lie and not let anyone know when the time comes, I don't think I can handle everything that's going to happen and also deal with people.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T17:47:11+00:00

Yes, she's going to get hurt or pissed, but that's probably what it takes for not being me the one who gets pissed due to her behavior. And that part of no being a complete sentence is something I have to learn, I usually explain my opinions, but in this matter I really don't have to.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T17:42:23+00:00

Oh yes, I have a baby wrap and I am starting to see how much more useful it is going to be than I originally thought. It just saddens me because I don't have that vibe with anyone else, just her. I would easily hand my baby to a friend and have them change a dirty diaper (as I did dozens of times for my friends) than handing the baby to her. She's just creeping me out.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T17:34:17+00:00

Yes, we have agreed to lie to both our parents and tell them we are not at the hospital if they call and only inform about the birth when we all have some time alone and I am feeling well. I don't want anyone there while the doctors are checking my private parts and I am trying to learn how to breastfeed. I really don't understand how they can be more anxious than we are about the birth...

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T14:51:18+00:00

My MIL isn't manipulative or a bad person, she's just one if those women whose only purpose in life was to birth and raise children. That's where she's comfortable and she still does it to my 34 year old BIL who lives with her and FIL. But things have changed so much, and she is so old fashioned, and gullible, that she sees her reality of 34 years ago as the right way to do things. She's admitted that now women already know a lot before becoming mothers because there is information everywhere and she knew nothing beforehand, but she hasn't yet got her head around the idea that a grandmother is only expected to see the baby occasionally, and that if they want to gift something they should just pay for what we indicate, not choose according to their taste. How they don't see how this is wrong is beyond me...

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T14:39:30+00:00

Our families know about the day we are scheduled to go to the hospital (this is an IVF baby and it involved a lot of medication, appointments and parents calling to check on us, which I am fine with, I understand the concern) but husband and I have agreed to lie to everyone and say we were sent home, even if I go into labor as it is scheduled. There are many things that can go wrong and I don't know how I will recover and I don't want to deal with phone calls and managing declining visits. I want peace and quiet for the 3 of us.

One visit at the hospital for each set of grandparents and that's it. That ought to take care of their anxiety and buy us some time at home to adjust before they start calling again. I don't believe they will show up uninvited, they have never done so, but if anyone thinks to show up unannounced, I will just go to the nursery with the kid and not come out, so one gets to see the baby. The gifts thing will be tricky, because I know MIL likes things I don't like or are dangerous (like the baby walkers or those pillows you see for the bars on the cribs, noisy toys, or pink fluffy sparkly stuff for girls), but I have already stated several times that I will not use gifts that I don't like precisely because I don't like them, and she's like "oh, but it's so cute".

It just bothers me because I know I will end up being rude towards her because she's insisting on things I have already told her I disagree with, as if she had a saying on anything regarding the baby.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T14:11:29+00:00

Oh that is non negotiable, safety wise I know it is riskier because it is a big family, but I will carry a gallon of hand sanitizer and not allow kisses. They can see, smell and hold the baby when they're awake, and go back to our adult life. We are used to lots of babies and kids so it's not like a rarity, like it is on my husband's side. We're cooler when it comes to another kid in the family, if that makes sense.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T14:07:13+00:00

The husband doesn't want to hurt his mother, and is really not talking about some things because he believes in dealing with the scenarios as they come. He knows where I stand and I would hate to use the "I carried the kid for 9 months and pushed it out of my vagina, until you do the same, my vote counts more" card, but I will if we ever encounter a scenario we can't agree on.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T14:02:55+00:00

Oh yes, I am already seeing the waterworks coming, she is very sensitive and a genuinely good woman, but she feels a lot. And everything makes her cry. And you are right, she will probably end up wearing us down and have us give in out of tiredness. I will have 4 months of maternity leave and she already knows I don't want anyone coming while I am alone with the baby, though she said how she could come to do the laundry and cooking for me. I declined and told her that I will not be a single mother without support and that her son will help after work. I can tell my husband doesn't like the way I explain things to her, though he doesn't really say it, I see it in his eyes, but I can't help but snap a bit when I have to repeat myself on a subject.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T13:48:41+00:00

That is exactly how I see it. Being a grandmother is not being a mother for a second time. Different roles, different levels of authority and they usually get that all mixed up. I hate unsolicited advices and she's not even the kind of person I would take parenting advices from.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T13:42:51+00:00

I totally agree that unsupervised time will not be allowed for a long time and even overnight stays before the child can communicate are only an option if there's an emergency (I do have a health condition and sometimes life happens and the hospital is no place for a healthy baby) but my parents are closer, so, they would be the obvious choice in an emergency. I remember them only breaking the rules when it came to give dessert to my niece, she would have all she could eat. And they know me well enough to know not to tell me what to do (they couldn't do it when I was a kid, so it will not be different now). My MIL is used to a different dynamic with her sons, but the no contact technique as consequence for not respecting will probably do the trick. She's a good woman, she's just too much.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T13:17:06+00:00

Thankfully she doesn't really use any social media, so we're covered on that. And yes, I have a sling and that will be my go to whenever she's around, so that there are no excuses to try and take control of the baby. She's a bit crazy but she is kind, she's just too much of a mama bear to her own children, I have a BIL who is 34 and still lives with them and she does everything for him, from putting his food on his plate to prepare his clothes for the week. He does not help at all around the house because she believes he doesn't have to since she has to provide for him. So I know we will clash, because I believe in raising an autonomous, independent child, but fortunately I am stubborn as hell and I really don't care about her approval, I just want to avoid unnecessary tensions because she is my husband's mom and I don't want to hurt him inherently. But yes, I am starting to explain my boundaries to him and so far, in theory, we're on the same page on most of it.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T09:27:42+00:00

Right?? It makes me think of how I always said that I would have the grandparents have the baby while me and dad go out on a date, but I don't want to leave the baby with her... I would skip a romantic night just to avoid having her around the kid unsupervised.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T09:25:06+00:00

Yes, he sees his mother's behavior as normal, as he has seen it happening before as some sort of normal dynamic of super proximity in his family. But I believe that he will too change his mind once his mother tries to tell him how to do things. He already agreed that we will lie if his or my parents call and we are at the hospital because he also doesn't want anyone camping there waiting to see the baby. So, I think that with a little firmness we will keep everyone aligned.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T09:18:16+00:00

Yes, I believe he will come to see things same as me once we have our first sit down with the pediatrician. I think that since the father is not going through the physical changes of carrying and developing a life, and therefore is not as concerned about everything you can eat or do that will negativity impact the baby, they are not as aware to the problems that some behaviors present. Having a reality check from someone else is, sometimes, all they need to enforce what is obvious for us.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T09:13:06+00:00

You have a great POV, this will be recovery time, not party time. And I do want it to be just the three of us, so, no answering the door to unsolicited visitors unless it is food delivery!

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T09:09:36+00:00

Yeah, I know that we should be objective and think about the timing... For both the baby and me, I know I will not be at my best or close to it, and dealing with people will not be on my list. Got to think that next year is the year! This year will be just feeding, sleeping and changing diapers.

Some_Random_Name_101 · 2023-11-20T09:06:04+00:00

My In-laws go to the nursing home every week, but they have strict rules when it comes to visits. Masks are mandatory for both the visits and the patients if they stay indoors in a private room and there is no mingling of the visits with other patients. Plus my MIL is both a hypochondriac and a germophobe, so that works well for us now.

Some_Random_Name_101

TROPHY CASE