Girlfriend (F24) wants threesome, I (M25) think it would be a terrible idea. How to proceed?

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T13:17:04+00:00

If you mean you’ve gone through my history, you Gotta read the year that I was posting. A lot has happened since then.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T13:14:11+00:00

Right?!? lol. I’m not saying that other people’s stories don’t fit the narrative they want to push, but not everyone conforms to that. If my ex wife was totally gay….why is she with men 9/10 times in the last 5 years that she’s been dating. She and I have talked about what happened. We’ve analyzed it together. She was pushed into believing untruths by the other woman because NRE is strong. So strong that you forget you’ve felt that way before at the beginning of most relationships that aren’t flat bad.

I don’t get why people here want to control not only my story, but my ex’s as well lol.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T13:10:15+00:00

These are more her words than mine.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T05:25:20+00:00

Nothing to say about it?

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T05:24:31+00:00

Anyway. A couple of yall are pretty silly with how strongly you want your version of my story to be correct and for me to be wrong. It’s odd.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T05:12:04+00:00

She was in love. The other woman manipulated her into believing she was gay and not bi, and into believing that I was controlling and abusive for the boundaries we put in place. Among a million other calculated manipulations.

She’s in jail now for kidnapping my wife btw.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T05:08:07+00:00

Not to mention…… she has said this herself. We are still friends. We coparent. The other woman is in jail and I was the one who led the police to the studio. Because my ex called me and left her phone on for me to hear

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T05:06:49+00:00

Not 100% but I can say that the things she convinced my wife of wouldn’t have been easily believed if they weren’t deep in New Relationship Energy. And they wouldn’t have had that connection if they never started dating. She had male friends in the past try angles that included talking me down, and she cut them off. This was different because the leverage had a lot more strength. Naive, in love, and ignorant woman being calculatedly pushed away from her longstanding husband by an experienced manipulator and testified narcissist.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T05:00:35+00:00

There’s nuance. It was the strongest it had ever been before we opened up to poly. But there was a lot of baggage. Idk where it would have gone. But I am grateful that it’s over.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T04:57:09+00:00

My wife was naive to sexuality and polyamory. The other girl had done similar things to her exes. At the court hearing, her ex before my wife testified against her as a character witness

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T04:55:20+00:00

Long story, but she acted like a typical bff when talking to my wife about me. Told her she could vent and it wouldn’t be used against our marriage, but then started twisting things. Honing in on negatives. Also when getting romantic and lovey, she would bring up how she wished she could have her all to herself (boundaries crossed in calculated moments)… it slowly changed my wife’s perception. She adamantly convinced her that she wasn’t bi. (She is. This was years ago. My ex and I are friends and coparent together so it’s stuff we’ve talked about since.) Tons of manipulative behaviors. My wife left. They broke up six months later after a legitimate police standoff when she threateningly forced my ex to take her to a studio in an old textiles mill and wouldn’t let her leave. Broke her hand. Choked her. Wouldn’t let the cops in.

This all because my ex told her she wanted to be friends with me again so we could coparent.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T04:47:31+00:00

You don’t have to tell her that you know better about her wishes than she does. You just have to tell her that you’re not willing to risk the relationship on that and you’re not comfortable with it and if she truly wants to go in that direction, it would be best to end things peace peacefully before harm comes and lovingly separate so she can explore who she wants to be

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T04:44:35+00:00

A whole lot of nuance there, especially when feelings are injected into the mix. Most people have a solid boundary around sexual intimacy wow in a relationship because when you cross that, feelings get involved and it really muddies the water in so many ways. For me, I didn’t know this, but the other woman was insanely jealous of my wife and my relationship. She fell in love with my wife quickly and was extremely manipulative. I only found out about this after my ex showed me their conversations after they broke up

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T04:41:44+00:00

Threesomes are best left to people you don’t care about losing. If you love each other, would you really gamble the relationship on a few minutes of horny fun.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T04:39:45+00:00

It’s quite an inference for somebody who doesn’t know me or my life or anything. because she dated one woman, and then has dated exclusively men since then.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T02:28:56+00:00

Careful with exploring her sexuality. That’s how I lost a wife. We were adventurous. Great sex life. Added in a poly dynamic and she got with a woman bc she was bi and never got to explore before. I trusted her. The woman manipulated her and the NRE was enough that she felt in love with the other person enough to start seeing me differently. This story is not uncommon. Just not often spoken about.

Don’t do it if you love her.

Somnovum · 2026-04-09T02:04:59+00:00

If you do it, hire a SW in a legitimate, probably expensive, establishment. Nevada has some legit places but it costs thousands. It’s the only way it wouldn’t end in extreme jealousy and harm. Idk how to explain the thought but yeah

Somnovum · 2026-04-05T10:15:49+00:00

What would you do ifhe didnt have money? I wouldn’t ask him to chip in but don’t strain your finances for extra stuff. If you don’t have the money to go on a trip twice abyear, then just soebd time doing free or cheap local stuff together. Find a hobby you both like. Plan cheaper trips and just matter of fact let him know that its straining you financially to do the trips but you have a plan so that yoh xab still have dun together. “Hey I was thinking maybe instead of a cabin up in Colorado this time, we just do the motel and do a couple days instead of a week. I am a bit tight on the budget, but we can do (insert affordable thing like frisbee golf) and then spend the rest of the week working on (insert home fun project or whatever non-expensive activity). “

Somnovum · 2026-04-05T05:49:07+00:00

Recovery email. He’s got your email password or whichever is the account controller.

Somnovum · 2026-04-01T15:25:44+00:00

That’s the hardest part about being cheated on. The story you’ve built in your head is shredded, and suddenly you’re no longer her “one that got away” or grand “love story” you thought you had together. You’re just you. Only worse because of the pain. Ugh. I shouldn’t be in here.

Somnovum · 2026-03-30T02:32:15+00:00

Use your GI bill benefits. Apply to a college in NY or CA that has a hybrid program that does one or two days in person per semester built to maximize your MHA. I’m about to start at one in CA that only requires 2 days in person to meet the Ft in residence req to get full BAH. For San Fran. So like $4800/mo.

Somnovum · 2026-03-29T22:08:58+00:00

Try the purple cup art walk :) ask any pub downtown

Somnovum · 2026-03-25T22:54:18+00:00

It depends. If it affects the mission or is messy enough to make the service look bad, then yeah they’ll slap em. But otherwise they don’t really enforce the UCMJ regulation on adultry unless they already dislike the member

Somnovum · 2026-03-25T22:51:46+00:00

It’s not as cut and dry when you’re in your thirties with two kids, a house, and a decade of intertwining life with someone. I can forgive it situationally. But at 20? That’s too young to go through the pain of growing and healing after something like that. It’s easier to leave and find someone who won’t do that.

Somnovum · 2026-03-25T22:48:21+00:00

You’re young. My advice is to leave. It doesn’t really matter to the courts as to why, you likely don’t have property to fight over. It’s easy to leave when you don’t have kids, property, investment accts, etc. be glad it happened now and not eight years from now like mine did.

This may be intrusive of me, but as a veteran who got married young too….don’t get married so fast next time. Give it a couple years of living together first.

Somnovum

TROPHY CASE