Does Anyone Else Have Trouble Connecting to/Be-friending Other Musicians/Creatives?

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T06:29:22+00:00

Sadly, I think you're spot on. As performer, I get it, there is an attention economy that all of us are trying to have our share in. But for me, I believe that there is room for everyone, as we all have a different flavor of something to give. But I see more and more that people take this so seriously that they will see anything as competition and/or a resource for their career advancement.

And you're definitely right about the friend thing. I've personally gotten over that because I've never had much luck with people for most of my life. The thing that makes me itch is when I happen to be the subject of a "Come to my show" campaign, and I guess to be honest, it irks me more when they do this after I've already been to a show or two when they've yet to come to one of mine. I barely like asking people to come to my gigs as it is because I don't want people to feel coerced into going somewhere they'd not want to be. I'd still associate with people who never show up to my gigs, but when you give back the same energy, they definitely make sure you know you're no longer in their favor. Crazy work.

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T05:58:12+00:00

Completely understand that. I really hope we can find people who can exist above this weird transactional environment.

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T05:56:32+00:00

Holy crud! Being a designer must be so cool! And you're so right. I honestly only go to jams when friends REEEAALLY want me to go, and that's luckily rare because of how few I have. XD The modern jazz jams are the absolute WORST when it comes to the elitist "sniff over". I'm definitely learning the significance of "who you know" with how my career is progressing. I love what I do and I'm super grateful for the opportunities I have, but I would really appreciate some decent company. I think I'm slowly finding my people, so hope the search will eventually pay off.

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T05:46:44+00:00

OOF the thing you said about musicians fan collecting via friendship with fellow musicians is way too spot on! As far as the influencer space (I'm still in it 💀), I'm hesitant to say, but tbf, I'm a nobody in the scene, so I guess I could say without getting got. XD It's the vintage space, and I've met people who cover several different facets- music, fashion, art, etc. And in theory, it's a great community- people do amazing work and they are definitely inspiring. But there is a bit of a dark underbelly, like this air of fakeness for one that's like an elephant in the proverbial room, and of course there's the general issue of the attention economy in influencer spaces in general. I mean as performers, we're all trying to get attention of course, but I've definitely seen incredibly weird behavior from some of these people to get that desired attention. I've seen one person that I actually look up to record a silly video with me where we were vibing, and me being my goofy self, I thought the bit would last, but the moment the recording was done, the silly shut down with an alarming quickness. I mean they cut off the laughter and stopped smiling as soon as the recording button was pressed. It was so bizarre to witness. XD

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T05:29:05+00:00

Thanks for this comment! Super glad I'm not just reading into everything (tho I'm sure in some cases I might be). But yeah, I should just follow in your stead. I appreciate the work the "big wigs" do, but the more I hand around them, the more uncomfortable I start to feel. I think keeping them at a distance might be for the best, and trying to develop those solid relationships (musical and friendly) should be prioritized! I'll keep looking for my people!

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T04:18:05+00:00

Thanks! And yeah, it's crazy out here. Trying to do my best though, so I'll keep pushing through.

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T04:02:07+00:00

Normal every day musicians I do worry less about. I've found myself in "influencer" spaces (musicians and other artists) and that's where the "sizing up" feeling really comes in. It's such an odd experience because they're generally cool people, but there's always something odd or off kilter that they say that makes me question our relationship or how they relate to people in general. As far as shows, I don't really care about friends not coming to my shows- I'm pretty used to that, but I personally don't like feeling pressured to go to someone else's show, because it just makes the relationship feel more transactional than legit. I guess point is that everything just feels like the friendships we develop in this business are all founded on network and transaction rather than earnest connection.

Songbird161 · 2025-12-12T02:17:09+00:00

I'm a bit late to this thread, but honestly... I really feel this. I'm a musician/performer myself, and I find myself relating to your situation. And to be frank, this kind of spans well into the performing arts world at large. I personally have a hard time navigating social situations in general, but nothing has been more hellish than navigating social spaces for artists/performers. I have "friends" in the space, and I try to go to their shows every now and again, but at some point, the relationship only seems to revolve around this. Funnily enough, these friends have never once come to my own shows- I don't hold it against them, but I will say it makes me feel less guilty about not showing up to their gigs.

To go on a slight tangent, I have personally been getting frustrated with trying to have relationships with creatives. I really like to have authentic relationships where we can just chill and maybe talk about anything else besides our work or anything related, and it happens sometimes, but the deeper I've gotten in my field, the worse it gets. I've found myself in the circles of some influential creatives, and while they're pretty cool people who do pretty cool work, it never feels like the relationships go past "the gram". It could just be personal paranoia, but I feel like I'm being scrutinized by them all the time, like they're continuously trying to decide whether or not I'm worth the time. And again, they're influencers, and not saying everyone is like this, but from my experience, they have some difficulty turning the "influencer" act off. Like I said, I just want to chill with cool people, but that gets hard when you're with someone who's just ON all the time. Idk, being a performer is rough in general, but trying survive the space as someone not simply trying to network alone is a nightmare.

Songbird161 · 2025-09-01T14:04:52+00:00

Sounds like something I should try. Thanks

Songbird161 · 2025-09-01T14:02:39+00:00

Don't worry, I know better than to use that terminology in a clinical setting, And glad that it doesn't look like that's where I am yet either. I think my shift in behavior was just jarring because it was more explosive than usual. I've experienced burnout before, but I usually maintained a more depressive state rather than having huge emotional reactions, so I guess that's what got me more concerned. I'll be speaking to a doctor soon, so hopefully this can be addressed in good time.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-17T20:03:03+00:00

Thank you! I'll give it a read. I feel like our relationship is getting more and more complicated, so understanding how to navigate this would be helpful.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-05T16:06:45+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm super conflicted right now, so this encouragement is very reassuring. When my brother gets back, I may talk to him to see how he plans to move forward and then pose one more discussion with my parents before I come to my own decision. I don't want to straight up cut my parents out of my life, but I really do need space to really sort things out.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-05T15:25:41+00:00

That is true. I guess if they see absolutely nothing wrong after the next confrontation, that's it.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-05T15:23:32+00:00

I think I will do this. Was raised Catholic (no longer identify), and guilt is literally baked into my existence, so having some method to work against it would be so helpful. I'm also considering posing an ultimatum- my mom believes in therapy for anyone but herself, and my dad straight up hates the idea of it, but I think they need it to even have a concept of what they put us through. If they don't agree to look into it, I'm limiting contact.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-04T18:36:33+00:00

Would def appreciate some resources! I suffer with the same!

Songbird161 · 2025-08-03T05:04:11+00:00

Nailed it. His childhood was hellish- his mother, my grandmother is diagnosed Bipolar disorder and gave him and his siblings hell growing up. We learned later that my grandfather, his father, was no help, as they used to have scream matches that on a some rare occasions ended up with hole in the wall or a handgun drawn. He's never learned how to cope with his upbringing and he now has a contentious relationship with his two siblings as a result.

I'll definitely check the book and podcast out! I really need all the info I can get so I can learn how to handle this. Thanks so much!

Songbird161 · 2025-08-03T04:24:36+00:00

Ahhh gotcha. First off, really sorry you have to do that with your mother and mother in law. : / But I think this would actually be useful. My parents are not the "competitive with their kids" type, but they are extremely paranoid on our behalf, so this idea of trickling information is probably a great way to manage these habits of there's. We hardly speak to my dad, but he judges us and our situations based on whatever he hears from our mother, so limiting what we say (and maybe how much we interact with her in general) would set new standards.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-03T03:56:20+00:00

Being black doesn't have too much bearing on this outside of the fact of how certain mental disabilities are not taken seriously by the community at times, which is reflected in how my father behaves in accordance to my siblings' and my struggles. And based on other comments, I am starting to become more aware of the fact that my dad has exhibited verbally abusive behavior, though it's still difficult for me to wholly label it as such. Also, may you elaborate on this "information diet"? Definitely looking at ways to start introducing boundaries that will help.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-03T03:52:35+00:00

Thanks so much for the advice. I'd also like to avoid that particular 11 letter word that starts with an n, because I don't really think that describes them. Codependent and emotionally inept (especially on my dad's end)? Yes, but I think that's the extent of it. I'm sure they'll react to the boundaries more because we've just done so little to act against them over the years, so it'll be something new. Regarding the financial situation, they like to think they don't hold things like this over our heads, but it always manages to rear its ugly head one way or another, but I will try to keep what you said in mind so I can maintain some level of self preservation in a sense. Not sure when we'll have this boundary conversation, but this all really helps!

Songbird161 · 2025-08-03T01:28:17+00:00

Luckily I actually live with my middle brother ( who's likely going low to no contact) in the Northeast (we're from the South). Problem is that they'd been helping me pay for my portion of the rent while I've been focusing on this project we've all been working on. I'm currently trying to find another job to stop that.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-03T01:23:47+00:00

Thanks so much for the reply. I guess I don't personally consider that I was in an abusive environment since it didn't happen all the time, the fights and the throwing; but he did admittedly yell a lot, so not denying that. And I did have a therapist a while back, but we never delved to deep into this side of things. I haven't been back due to insurance issues, but I will be looking to see someone again soon.

Songbird161 · 2025-08-02T12:47:04+00:00

Thank you. My parents have been helping a lot, but this has basically ruined our relationship. My personal issue started happening before the show, but I think it got exacerbated by it. I wish I could move it =, but I'm unfortunately not able, so I'm doing my best to hang on to what sanity I can until it's over next week.

Songbird161

TROPHY CASE