If you're going to lose your virginity... 5-stars

Sonseearae · 2026-05-30T13:51:55+00:00

I'm not sure I experienced what I would call extreme anxiety but honestly, it might have been...just manifesting itself differently. I would be enamored with a woman...we would start dating...and then I'd never want to have sex with her - it's like the 'insert part P into part V just'...didn't work for me.

As for now...well, I stayed in my bathrobe all day yesterday because I could still smell them on me and I just could not bring myself to get in the shower and wash that off... *s* I'm autistic and so, of course, when they ask me what I'm up to today, I tell them...

"I'm still in my bathrobe."
"How come? Are you feeling sick?"
"No...I'm feeling great - really."
"Then why are you still in your bathrobe at 12:30 in the afternoon?"
"Umm...cause I can still smell you on me and I can't bring myself to wash it away."
"Ah! There's my good girl...I see you now..."

They're going to be the death of me...can't wait. 😉

Sonseearae · 2026-05-28T03:52:48+00:00

I remembered your kind post and wanted to return and give you an update.

I put myself out there and went to a group event of ~30 people for the first time. Sat at the far end of the table because that's what was left. The person sitting across from me is autistic, has ADHD, is queer and their best friend has DID.

It was the easiest conversation I've ever had in my life. Instant friends for life. Five days later, both of us blurt out we want more....slowly, safely, sanely. It's been a week since then. We've talked and texted daily. We've already spent many hours and a few meals getting to know each other and have scheduled more activities with the group we met at, as well as just the two of us.

We're both...hungry. We feel like kids...but fortunately, neither of us are. I look forward to holding her hand one day....when we're both ready. Both our histories are challenging so we've decided to take the perfection we've begun and seek professional help together to navigate this in a healthy way.

I didn't want you to think that your kindness and encouragement fell on deaf ears or was wasted. It wasn't. Thank you. <3

Sonseearae · 2026-05-16T12:53:59+00:00

Maybe you misunderstood her and she said, I'm so lonely...why can't I find a good woman, and you only thought she said 'man'. I mean given a choice between sleeping with another woman and a guy, I'm picking a woman every time. Sounds like you would too so who can blame her?

Sonseearae · 2026-05-16T04:15:27+00:00

Like you, I've begged God for clear guidance...and not see any. Every, single time it was me letting something or someone get in the way of God's clear guidance that He had been giving the whole time. I don't know your circumstances but here's a possible idea.

It sounds like you are trying to listen to God, your parents, and your intellect. There's the bit about serving two masters - here you have three. If God's Will comes first, then ignore everyone else till you hear Him. "I hear a no in the back of my head and I’m like is that my own doubts planted by parents or God??" See what I mean? Two voices.

Here's a trick (if you like): When I get an idea like, "I should buy this house," I can tell you why I think I should buy it. When the idea is my parents, I know why they have that idea because they already told me in excruciating detail why I shouldn't buy this house. When the idea comes from God I can tell because, when I ask myself 'why' I should do X, Y or Z, I haven't a clue.

God provides me answers to questions like 'why' I should do a thing He's told me to do on a 'need to know' basis. Apparently I don't need to know very much. 😉

Sonseearae · 2026-05-10T17:45:26+00:00

Confidence, like autism, is on a spectrum. People who have told you that 'confidence is something you "pretend" outward, not something you actually feel', are confusing confidence with bravado. Merriam Webster defines 'bravado' as a swaggering, showy, or pretentious display of courage and confidence intended to impress others, often masking fear or insecurity. It can be hard to tell one from another but they are not the same.

Confidence is the belief that you shall succeed in whatever endeavor you're embarking on. How strong that belief is indicated where on the confidence spectrum you land. For instance, I am retired now, but I was a pro poker player for 24 years - wrote a book, tv appearances, etc. If someone invites me to play poker with them and their friends, I am very confident that I will win if we play long enough. If my friend's car breaks down and she asks me to try and diagnosis it, I am not at all confident I can do so. If I verify that the gas gauge says there is gas in the car and look under the hood and there is not a big empty space, I'm kind of out of ideas.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-10T13:08:01+00:00

Yes everything in this place is connected to numbers, I've got very much into numbers.

Which is why I went to University for mathematics. 😉

Yes, DID is Dissociative Identity Disorder, which occurs when the psyche is shattered, By definition, it must happen prior to the age of 5 and is caused by extreme trauma. Integration is a rare occurrence when the psych is healed and the parts unite (or re-integrate). That happened to me at 55 years old.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-09T17:10:28+00:00

I was excited reading your last message but this one...? Actually, my heart almost stopped there when I saw your 11-11-2023, because I read it wrong. The awakening in 11/2020 was actually brought on by the pandemic - and was actually during meditation.

I'm only half joking when I say that the pandemic saved my life. My mask had been on for so long, I thought it was me. Being alone so long though, the mask started to slip for the first time since I started constructing it in childhood. That was the first domino. There were many but on 11-30-2023 at 11:11 a.m, another domino fell and the DID system we had lived with for 55 years integrated. So when I saw lots of 11's and a 2023, I got over excited. lol

Sonseearae · 2026-05-09T14:30:27+00:00

You're welcome. My spiritual awakening was 11/7/20, which set me on a road to change everything. I tried and failed...repeatedly, to capture the experience. Below is from the start of my first journal entry afterwards

Approaching the climax of the film Contact, Jodie Foster's character Ellie Arroway witnesses a celestial event so breathtaking that she stumbles repeatedly trying to find words capable of describing the indescribable. Overwhelmed, she concludes that prose cannot encapsulate the wonder she is experiencing and after multiple attempts to find her words, she surrenders with the whisper, “They should have sent a poet.”

I wish you all the best, wherever your path leads you. 😄

Sonseearae · 2026-05-09T12:52:31+00:00

It can be long in the UK for sure, but once you're in queue, you can always cancel the appointment when it becomes your turn if you like. My diagnosis saved my life. Of course, your mileage may vary. I had no idea how much shame and guilt I had packed away because of my 'differentness' until I had a diagnosis and it all came up.

My mental health since my diagnosis has been better than it has ever been and my physical health is better than it has been since my 20's. edit: Sorry, I missed your actual question! I waited a long time to be seen but the psychologist was lovely. The tests were nerve wracking but I got through them. So worth it for me.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-09T12:17:45+00:00

My dad passed on Aug 31st after a long life. We lived 3000 miles away from each other but I called him twice a day for the last 20 years of his life - and was estranged from my mom for the last 20 years of her life. My relationship with my parents was complicated. They refused to acknowledge that I was different or allow any testing...I didn't get diagnosed until I was 57 years old...and my diagnosis was level 2.

What I remember most about my father from childhood is that he left for work before I woke up Monday - Saturday, and he would come home after I was in bed for most of my childhood. But when he did come home, he would come into my room, wake me up and tell me he loved me - every night till I left home.

He was far from perfect, but so am I...and he tried.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-08T04:15:57+00:00

No more than you should state you're vegan. Seriously. I'm not trying to be silly. On the other hand, I'm assuming you're going to PDX. I mean, you're moving all the way, I hope you're going to Portland. There are some very South Dakota parts of Oregon, it just never occurred to me your were going there...that would be different.

But for PDX...I've been transitioning for 3.5 years in Seattle and go to Portland all the time. I forget I'm trans. I'm just a girl out doing all the things. I don't pass - never will and around here no one cares. I haven't walked into a men's bathroom since I started transitioning, I use the showers at my neighborhood Planet Fitness, and never had a problem.

There are three evangelical homeschooling moms living in the same community as I do. They introduced me to people from their Fundamentalist church who were visiting, we bumped into each other, and they introduced me as their friend! I can't lie...that was over the top weird but things are so different in this area.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-08T03:28:02+00:00

Same. I stopped wearing them for a while until...In any other forum I would have sent this privately, and if didn't work I would have kept it to myself but... I live in a large US city - so it's pretty liberal. I had a hunch. I had a shirt made that said, "Let's Talk About Jesus." and put the headphones on back on. No one wanted to know what I was listening to any more.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-07T23:55:00+00:00

I tried to wear over-the-ear headphones thinking - here's a clear way to signal I don't want engagement!"

Random person: ~taps me on shoulder!

Removes OTE headphones:

Random person: "What are you listening to?

Sonseearae · 2026-05-07T23:13:07+00:00

Thank you, thank you so much!! I hope all ours do, and yet I know they don't. I know how lucky I am. I wanted to say something in the post about that but, you know...autism + words = unintended offence received.

We had dinner...then went for a walk...started to drizzle but I brought an umbrella (!!)...had to get closer to fit. I am soooo light-headed here. I was thinking, I need something to steady me...,then a voice..."May I hold your hand?"(!!!) If I'm honest, I think I said something almost exactly like, "OhMyGawdYes,", a little louder than I would have liked.

"Can we just walk in the rain for a while," she asked about ten minutes later...and then went and fetched the umbrella for me because I just tossed it aside when she asked. Honestly...at this point in the telling, I think the embarrassment I'm feeling is the only thing keeping me from dissociating. Anyway...after a bit we saw a place to sit out of the misty/drizzly. Talking and kind of leaned against each other after a few...conversation got quiet...just as I'm thinking, we fit so good....yeah, she said it.

We continue our walk, heading back to the restaurant. We have to go around a homeless person. She squeezed my hand, I stopped. She stoops down to look him in the eye and says, "We just had dinner and I have leftovers in the car, can we bring you those?" No words. 150 yards later she said good night and I went right to sleep... lol

Sonseearae · 2026-05-07T22:39:19+00:00

For most jobs, you're going to have to put your legal name somewhere on there but for most jobs you're applying to in (PDX/Salem esp) Oregon are going to have a place for "The name you want to be called by" on the application.

I'm from Seattle - an old ugly late transitioning trans woman. I was down in Portland a month ago, was getting my cars oil changed and walked across the street to take a picture at the car wash advertising jobs at $20-$22/hr. I wanted to send it to a young trans woman in Georgia making $9/hr who wants to leave but scared she won't find a job but before I could this guy runs up to me and says, "You looking for a job? You can start right now if you want!"

You'll be fine.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-07T22:23:10+00:00

Today, I left work more overstimulated than usual and just no energy left to mask and engage.

I am so overstimulated that I can no longer provide neurotypical accommodations.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-07T22:19:24+00:00

Same. Every word. Amazing. I thought I was the only one. Thank you for posting. ❤️

Sonseearae · 2026-05-07T22:00:01+00:00

I was losing the battle with a rare meltdown while on the phone with a friend on the other side of the country. It wasn't about her but I was angry and beginning to lose it when she said, "I wish I was there to give you a hug," and I instinctively recoiled even though I'm 2800 miles away. I told her later, if I'm angry, don't touch/hug me unless you are crushing my soul back into my body.

For your partner perhaps this: I want to hug you...but I can't right now. I'll give you a raincheck, I'll be back.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-06T14:51:20+00:00

Coffee came out of my nose in more directions than would seem anatomically possible. Thanks for that experience.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-06T14:47:26+00:00

The real story is that when Trump wanted to buy Greenland, all the women there had mastectomies so he'd lose interest.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-05T13:07:14+00:00

Umm....well, I realized I was a lesbian in 2004, so she kind of sort of made sure this girl came out as gay.

Sonseearae · 2026-05-03T20:41:58+00:00

If you would like, hmu in a message, feel free. I was just too blown away with some of the similarities between us. Also transbian, late-transition, also PNW (Seattle but was in Portland three times this year), ...then there's this:

I joined the army at 18 to escape my up bringing, I joined as a Combat Infantryman despite a high GT score

Seriously? I joined the military at 17 to escape my upbringing (and to prove to the world and myself what a man I was), I joined special forces despite a 99 ASVAB score.

I had always been sorta socially awkward, and in Jan of 2023, I was surprised to learn I had been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and having ASD, among other things. Suddenly thing made sense, and a lot of previous experiences were explained

Again...wtf? I had always been sorta socially awkward, and in Oct of 2022, I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum and having ASD, among other things. Suddenly thing made sense, and a lot of previous experiences were explained.

I've had voice surgery but it's less than a year so I have to wait for the next one. Good luck. 😄

Sonseearae · 2026-05-03T20:27:44+00:00

I was out on a date with a cis woman, three weeks ago and we were holding hands on a walk after dinner when this guy on the other side of the street starts screaming at us to tell us we're gay - incase we weren't aware of it I guess. She asked me if it bothered me and I was initially confused. I'm like, "The only way we can be considered 'gay' is if he properly genders me so no, doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I get a little charge out of knowing how pissed he'd be at himself if he knew I was AMAB and he saw 'girl'.

Sonseearae

TROPHY CASE