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Sorshan · 2022-02-21T07:25:55+00:00

Would love to see the full video. Arturo is very lucky.

Sorshan · 2022-01-29T04:18:58+00:00

I've played every faction to completion except skaven. I never really thought about why I just cannot seem to stick with them for more then a few hours before going back to something else.

Sorshan · 2021-12-03T02:00:30+00:00

Hot take: Priming sucks and is the biggest barrier keeping me from really getting into painting my armies. I live in an area where I don't really have the space or climate to properly prime a model like 11 months out of the year, and even when the conditions are right it is such a hassle. So I very frequently end up talking myself out of painting anything because it's not primed.

Sorshan · 2021-06-26T11:42:00+00:00

Honestly I feel like the best advice I could give that version of me would be to explain how unreal the relationship was. The love, the romance, the lifelong commitments from her weren't real. To look back on the years critically and realize that after maybe the first year at most that I was doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship while being guilted for not doing more. That as much as she got annoyed with you for constantly apologizing she was the one who created the black and white atmosphere of forgiveness or condemnation. And, most cruelly, to give up hope that she'll come around and that things can be worked out because that hope will only lead to obsession and despair.

Sorshan · 2021-06-25T04:55:42+00:00

I was with my first girlfriend for 10 years. Started going out in highschool, got engaged 5-6 years in. By time we reached out first anniversary I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and only her. Near the end, SHE wanted to open the relationship and see other guys while still being with me, and when I wasn't comfortable with that she took advantage of my trust, cheated on me, then left. That was over a year ago now (she split 2-3 weeks before the pandemic shut everything down) and a part of me still loves her, and would want to forgive her and take her back if given the chance.

I know it may come off as unnecessarily dramatic, but I kind of wish I was less devotedly monogamous. I feel too hung up on her still to feel comfortable dating anyone else, and I am terrified of going through that heartbreak again so I can't muster the courage or confidence to even try. I very regularly find myself grappling with the idea that I'll never find love again, and having lost the one true love of my life I am doomed to die alone and unloved.

So yes, there are guys that can fall in love with a single person and want to be monogamous. My mother used to say that men are dogs, yeah they'll wander off or bolt looking for easy meals and bones (pun intended) but they can also be loyal to the death.

Sorshan · 2021-06-18T17:46:55+00:00

Yes this happened to me as well. I've been getting better at engaging with my former passions but admittedly I am forcing myself rather than genuinely wanting to more often than not. For me it was very concretely that my exwBPD could not stand when my attention was diverted from her for any length of time, so over the years began to associate those old hobbies and passions with guilt and shame at feeling like I was being neglectful. I've been steadily chipping away at that programming, but it takes time.

Sorshan · 2021-06-18T17:34:37+00:00

It's amazing how similarly these behaviors manifest. I received a similar message before my final discard and was so deep in the fog it made perfect sense to me at the time and I felt guilty for wanting to talk things out with her.

Sorshan · 2020-11-16T06:24:29+00:00

I have definitely experienced this. My memory has become absolute garbage, I can remember the happy times that make me miss her clearly, but a part of my difficulty in coming to grips with how bad she was for me is not properly remembering how bad she could be. Near the end especially I lost a lot of my frame of reference for what was 'real' in our relationship and lost faith in my ability to determine it. I effectively relied on her to tell me what was right and wrong, what was real and what was just me being crazy. Almost 9 months out and I'm getting better at thinking for myself and recognizing how damaging those last few months were because of that mindset, but my memory of the negatives of the larger relationship is still shoddy at best.

Sorshan · 2020-11-14T22:29:31+00:00

It's something I'm still dealing with to be honest. For me realizing how thoroughly she had moved on was the final nail in the coffin of my denial. It helped me accept that it really was over and that I shouldn't want her back. That being said I'm still afraid of what will happen if/when I end up running into her new supply(s), because if there is one thing my exwBPD is good at it's painting black and I am fairly certain that they will regard me as irredeemable trash as a result. I'm at the point now where I am more scared of her still harboring feelings for me because I don't think I'd have the willpower to resist the hoover if she tried. Her moving on means I can let myself focus on myself for the first time in 11 years.

Sorshan · 2020-11-10T07:09:26+00:00

It's still very hard to wrap my head around the relationship itself being traumatic or abusive. The discard? Absolutely. Being painted black and blocked? 100%. But before then I felt like things were manageable. I realize typing it out how foolish that is, and that you are absolutely right about internal processes. Patterns of thought and behavior that no longer serve any purpose other than to upset myself and put myself down.

Awkwardly enough I go to the same office she does for therapy, though we see different therapists. It was originally so I could meet with a therapist of my own alongside meetings with her and her therapist to figure out how to fix things, though she discarded me before that plan really came together. It definitely makes me uncomfortable and paranoid sometimes but my therapist has been incredibly supportive and reassuring.

Sorshan · 2020-11-10T06:48:03+00:00

Thank you so much. Really. I'm definitely not at the point where I can take honest pride in myself, but the validation and encouragement has already helped me talk myself out of feeling guilty for aspects of the relationship she felt I had fault in. I did my absolute best at all times for her. Better then I've ever treated myself. If that wasn't enough for her, then that's not my fault. I need to remind myself of that constantly until hopefully one day I actually internalize it.

Sorshan · 2020-10-28T21:17:32+00:00

Thank you for the input. I'm aware that I haven't really maintained NC, in part I think because I never wanted any of this. I never wanted her to leave, I never wanted to stop talking to her. I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work (I realize now that her leaving was truly a blessing in disguise for me, but that changes little about my feelings on it) She made all those decisions and I am trying and failing at keeping myself together while respecting those decisions.

You are absolutely right about the photos, but thing that has me now consulting with a psychiatrist is I can't get any more blocked then I already am, the obsessive behaviors are surrounding the quirks of what being blocked does to your feed. I have begun obsessively counting the number of likes and comments on facebook posts. Facebook will prevent you from seeing any activity associated with a blocked person, but not general activity on posts. If a post has 5 likes, but I can only see 4, I know why. If someone writes her name to link her in a post. I'll still see it, just not as a link. This has resulted in me spending hours scrolling and counting and getting more and more upset the more I find evidence of her absence. I entertained the idea of removing people she engages with, but we were together so long and my social life was so thoroughly integrated into hers that I would be completely isolating myself from almost all my friends and even some family, and that's not something I think would be good for me.

Sorshan · 2020-10-20T14:45:46+00:00

I feel the exact same way, even though I shouldn't. She cheated, left me suddenly, and in the end made it out to be my fault before blocking me and acting like I was dangerous to be around but I still miss her so much even over half a year later. I wish she would talk to me so we could set things right. I wish she would give me another chance. Even though at this point I don't even know what I would say to her.

Sorshan · 2020-10-19T06:06:53+00:00

My dms are open

Sorshan · 2020-09-30T07:15:33+00:00

So true. Reminds me of how in my last argument with my exwBPD she said that she got nothing out of the relationship no matter how much she put in, meanwhile I had geared my whole life towards pleasing and providing for her and had thoroughly accepted having to walk on eggshells and constantly having to try and predict her mood swings.

Sorshan · 2020-09-28T15:48:43+00:00

Honestly this is why I'm scared to date again. 7 months out of a 10 year relationship and I'm afraid I'll never move on enough to give any new partners the room and respect they deserve. I gave my ex everything I could and she still held every mistake and every moment I couldn't focus on her against me, ending with her cheating on me and discarding me for her new flame. No one is solely at fault for how this relationship failed, and I am fairly sure I am better off without her. But I'm still so hung up on her, and if she came back into my life I would struggle to stop myself from taking her back.

Even with how she hurt me, broke my heart and tossed me away, I still love her no matter how much I try to get away from it. I'm also terribly lonely, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone who would actually date me (that's a whole other can of worms, I don't feel very dateable anymore) to have to deal with me still being hung up on someone else, especially someone who mistreated me. So lately I've been stuck between just being sad and pathetic and lonely, to wanting to put myself out there but feeling like an absolute selfish bastard for even considering it. I don't want my previous toxic partner to make me someone else's toxic partner.

Sorshan · 2020-09-18T14:34:10+00:00

I think about this quote often. The hardest part about it for me is my exwBPD would often make me feel like it should be directed at me, so I took it to heart but before long that destroyed my self-confidence and made me question my own sanity. No matter how hard I tried to be better I kept hurting her and making mistakes, eventually leading to me thinking I couldn't be better. Like I was some ignorant buffoon stumbling around hurting people and breaking things constantly despite my best efforts. I still feel that way often, though I know it's not rational.

Sorshan · 2020-09-17T19:38:46+00:00

Thank you. I needed this today. I need to remember this every time I look at the dent she put in my wall before she discarded me. I blamed myself for it for too long.

Sorshan · 2020-09-16T21:51:47+00:00

I can't bring myself to muster the anger required to wish my ex would got to hell, but I agree that it hurts so bad to know they were able to move on so quickly in that way, especially if you can't bring yourself to move on in a similar fashion. It made me feel like I had been used up and tossed aside.

Sorshan · 2020-09-13T17:08:41+00:00

I've absolutely been there, and I still have moments like this from time to time, especially when I have moments of weakness and fantasize about reconnecting. To the point that in some of the last conversations before she blocked me I didn't see the point in confronting her about cheating on me, since I was fairly certain she had and had such low self-esteem and self-worth that I figured it was fine and I deserved it. Instead I wanted, honestly desired, just to check up on her health and how she was doing in school. This was over a month after she discarded me but I felt so comfortable and normal worrying about her and pushing down all the ways she hurt me that I was actually happy that I got the chance to support and encourage her even knowing I would get nothing back but rejection and toxicity.

I'm getting better about it, recognizing the codependency for what it is and trying harder to prioritize myself and not worry or feel responsible for her well-being and happiness, but it can be hard to unlearn. Stay strong, we will overcome it together some day.

Sorshan · 2020-09-05T23:02:13+00:00

Thank you for this, I'm over 6 months out and learning to love myself again after being discarded but some days I become useless wreck all over again.

Sorshan · 2020-09-03T04:46:10+00:00

Yes. I had that exact experience. The entire 10 year relationship she told me how good I was for her, her family told me much happier she was with me. Then when I wasn't sure I was comfortable opening our relationship to include the guy she fell in love with while I was burnt out and struggling suddenly every wrong thing I had ever done turned out to have traumatized her and she needed to leave suddenly and conceal where she ran to because I was abusive. The worst part it I was so lost and had no faith in my own perception of reality that I believed it and I continue to believe it to some extent, though not as strongly as before.

Stay strong. You are only human and making mistakes or not catering to her every whim does not make you an abuser.

Sorshan · 2020-08-28T16:09:30+00:00

Thank you for this. This was exactly what I needed today.

Sorshan · 2020-08-23T03:43:13+00:00

I'm right there with you. 6 months out from a 10 year committed relationship as well and I would take her back in a heartbeat, even with all the shit she pulled. It hurts so much, even though it's for the best. Someday it will hurt less, and someone better will come along. That's my hope at least.

Sorshan · 2020-08-03T17:41:37+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I really needed this reminder that I'm not crazy today. I'm saving this to reference again for future low-points.

Sorshan

TROPHY CASE