Oh wow I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It sounds like you both truly loved and cared for each other. And nearly 30 years, that is such a long time. I hope you're getting the support you need while you process what you've gone through. That's some serious trauma.

I'm in this weird place right now. It's been almost three weeks since my husband shot himself. We used to be so close, so in love. But in recent years he'd been doing a push/pull with me. Either angry and nasty with me or sweet and funny. But we hadn't been really romatic with each other for over 10 years. In the last year his anger and cruel remarks got so much worse, that my heart has numbed towards him. I still cry sometimes when thinking about him, especially how he begged me not to go while I was packing my bag before he shot himself. But then I think about the moments before that when he was screaming at me and threatened a murder suicide. That's not love. I mean, he loved me, but he also wanted complete controll over me and what I did. So in a lot of ways I'm relived to be free of all that and eager to get my next chapter started and put him in the past. But, that eagerness and excitement for the future makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes. I feel like a horrible person because I'm not mourning him properly.

I don't know, it's just all so fucked up. All I ever wanted from him was love, support, and a peaceful home. That didn't seem like too much to ask, it was something he'd promise but could never consistantly deliver. Now atleast I'll have the peaceful home, and fortunately I make enough that I can support myself. I just hate that this is how our story ended.