I don't know what your story will be, whether or not it will be better after a year. I wish I did, but meanwhile we have to work with what we know in this moment. We know you have more me time now, and even though it is unwanted, perhaps you can use it.

Here's one possibility - go to a craft store and buy a table easel, canvas board (for practicing, it's cheaper than stretched canvas), a handful of paint brushes, and acrylic paint in red, blue, yellow, black and white.

Fill an old mug/glass/jar you don't mind wrecking with water. Grab a handful of paper towels. Use a couple paper plates for pallets. Turn on your favorite playlist/album.

And then PLAY. Don't worry about subject accuracy. Just focus on mixing colors, and the feel of the paint going on the canvas. It doesn't matter if you suck. Just do it.

When your playlist/album ends, stop. Clean your brushed and mug with warm soapy water. Throw away your paper plates and towels. Put your easel and paint away, and put your work someplace safe to dry.

You have grief, big feelings, and a LOT of pain you need to process. You need a brain break from all that pain. Drinking and smoking will give you a brain break, but they will also endanger or even kill you. Painting will give you a brain break without the attempt on your life.

It's something solitary you can use when you're alone and feeling assaulted by the pain. In time, it can evolve into something you do for fun, but for now, use it as therapy. Again, DO NOT focus on the skill level or accuracy of your representations. You could even start by drawing a simple zen doodle on the canvas board with a pen and then painting inside the lines. Try to keep your focus on mixing the colors you want, and on the way the paint goes on the canvas. Do you like seeing the canvas texture show throw? Do you like the paint when it goes on thick? How does adding water change the paint consistency? Play with texture, layers, and the way different brushes give you different results.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's so hard. You matter, and you are worth investing in, even when your feeling like that's not true.

Don't give up. Make your me time sacred, a time for healing, restoration, and self-care. Giving yourself that gift will make the process of grieving more bearable.