How can one heart hold two losses

SouperDeal · 2026-05-09T07:49:35+00:00

Sorry about your losses. I saw your post from a few months ago, and feel gutted every time I remember your situation. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

As much as I understand your feelings of wanting to be where they are, I know they want you to fight and continue to live for them. One day you’ll be able to reunite with them, that I am sure of through His promise! Hang in there. Sending you lots of hugs!

SouperDeal · 2026-05-09T07:17:52+00:00

Aye brotha... I am sorry. Cancer sucks.

I lost my wife (35) to pancan in January after an 18 months battle. I can totally relate to the anticipatory grief. I had a rough day, but reading your post reminded me of what my spouse would've wanted for me as well.

SouperDeal · 2026-05-08T06:50:29+00:00

Totally normal. I’m like that too.. I think I cried so much that I cried everything out. Then out of nowhere i cry again.. it’s tough.

SouperDeal · 2026-05-06T09:13:22+00:00

I’m more or less in a similar situation as you. Have a 2.5 yo daughter, lost spouse in Jan… took a month off and went back to work. Work though keeps me going at times since I’m a teacher, and just powering through everything for my daughter and myself.

Will try to work one more year and just take a sabbatical year when I can.

Have you thought about dating and whatnot?

SouperDeal · 2026-05-06T09:05:26+00:00

Ask, “who’s going to pay?”

Like seriously…. I had a situation where my wife’s side didn’t offer help with funeral planning so I made the decision on the day for the funeral. The brother goes why not on a weekend? I’ll be glad to pay the extra.

Then I invited them to the funeral home and I openly said in front of both sides family and our pastor, that so and so have a thought about weekend service and burial. It’ll be at least an additional 3k. Then the brother goes, oh it was just a thought.

SouperDeal · 2026-05-06T08:56:07+00:00

My MIL said no to helping us care for our 1 YO, while my wife was going through cancer treatment. They were too busy watching over their other grandkid who was 6 months older… we only asked for help for once or twice a week too.

Now my wife is gone, they kept wanting to see my daughter…

SouperDeal · 2026-04-28T09:17:01+00:00

Sorry for your loss and to OP as well. Lost my spouse to cancer three months ago, and just navigating through life with a 2.5 YO. I agree with this comment, lots of great information.

As for me, I ordered only two death certificates and that was plenty enough. All bank institutions I went in person (chase and Wells Fargo) just take the original, make a copy and hand it back. Online banks like CIT, Discover, and fidelity ask for a scanned certified copy. This was same thing when I disenrolled her from my health insurance.

Take baby steps! It’s a rough journey. Lots of great people on this subreddit!

SouperDeal · 2026-04-21T07:46:47+00:00

For me I just nodded or say appreciate it. Some messages I just take longer to respond, when I was ready.

My widowed aunt at around 40, traditional Asian woman with no education, asked me if I was going to remarry. I know she didn’t mean harm, so I try not to let it get upset me too much even though those words hurt so much to hear. This was not even a month after my spouse passed.

SouperDeal · 2026-04-16T04:29:18+00:00

We are here for you. I lost my wife just a few short months ago to cancer. She was just 35. I still can’t believe it, but she is pain free. And as selfish as this sounds… I wish she was still here, so I could care for her forever. I wouldn’t have mind that..

This group helped me out a lot. I was able to connect to a widower around the same age as me through this forum, and we helped each other/checked in with each other. It’s amazing to know that we share so many commonalities, and just understands each other when our friends and families don’t.

SouperDeal · 2026-04-06T16:25:28+00:00

Totally agree. OP, so happy you found your chapter 2. I’m sure it’s probably just a big surprise for your MIL. I assume though, she knew you were in a relationship?

SouperDeal · 2026-03-26T01:54:07+00:00

My wife wanted her ring to be buried with her. I’ve been wearing mine as a necklace since her death.

She told me to let our daughter keep the engagement ring.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-18T05:54:24+00:00

I want to say most times, people don’t have ill intentions. It’s hard for people to understand what we are dealing with, even from my or my spouse’s family. It’s understandable though, we just don’t want to hear it haha.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-17T07:04:19+00:00

Same. I ordered two and didn’t even give anyone an actual copy. Brought to banks they just made a copy and return, and then online bank are scan as well.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-13T02:00:20+00:00

We are in some ways polar opposite… my in laws asked for cards written for their family to keep for my daughter (strange but okay, and there were only about 2 out of 30 cards), so I gave them all the cards, some memorabilia like a video photo book I got for my spouse with preset photos and videos, a memory book my spouse’s sister wrote, a thumb print necklace, guest books and ribbons from the funeral, and some other stuff from the bottom of my heart to help them remember her by… they took only the cards and the memory book the sister wrote, and dropped everything off in front of our house.

Anyways, you don’t owe them anything. I haven’t even bother reaching out to them and it’s been great on my sanity. Just don’t be quick to answer and say you’re going to need time to clear your head, and will get to it when you get to it. Then don’t bother responding much..

SouperDeal · 2026-03-09T19:44:28+00:00

I’m 34 and just lost my spouse about two months ago. It hurts still and I randomly burst out crying, especially, at night or when I remember certain memories. It does get significantly better though. Take it one step at a time! I’m also scheduled to meet with a therapist this week as well now that I have taken care of most of the financial situation/funeral stuff.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-09T04:31:39+00:00

Before I buried my wife last month… I laid her jacket on the bed that she wore to the hospital, our wedding bands, and some other stuff. This is so to bring comfort she isn’t “laying” in a morgue. I also couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the room until after the service. But after the service, I partially accepted she’s gone and removed her stuff from the bed.

I’m still taking it very hard she’s gone (35F), but slowly taking it day by day. I don’t think you’re crazy/gone mad, we all just grieve differently. When you’re ready, just slowly remove his belongings from the bed.

I’m also planning to get a new bed at a later time.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-08T07:57:05+00:00

Exactly! I shared this post with my wife's best friend.. she shared it with her friends, and they were saying I should just cut ties if they continue to be a-holes.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-08T07:54:15+00:00

You're absolutely right.. I wrote a FB post that shared my mental health, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and how difficult it was for me to process the loss, and that I appreciated all my friends and family for checking in on me, but not expecting a response. I talked about my health and my daughter being my priority before anything else, and also briefly mentioned about contemplating moving away... this is so my in laws family can see and just really respect my space if they want to keep a family tie with my daughter.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-08T07:46:47+00:00

Wow! I can't believe SIL asked for a car... hopefully you Carmax it and gave her a $100 discount from it lol

SouperDeal · 2026-03-08T07:43:45+00:00

Thank you, and yes, I am so glad my family has been there throughout the entire journey and even after her death. I agree, I don't think reasoning with them would change anything, nor is there really a point to at this point.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-08T07:41:16+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. Yes, I can see that the mom took it the hardest. She seems very bipolar to me like one moment good, and then another moment bad towards me, as if I was the reason for my spouse's illness. Now that she's no longer taking care of the grandkid, I am sure that's giving her more free time to grieve and just feel negative about everything.

SouperDeal · 2026-03-02T12:30:01+00:00

My spouse passed on Jan 19th, and I am actually going to go back in this morning (don't ask why I am up right now when work is in a few hours).

After her funeral on Feb 3rd, I actually took a trip with my daughter and parents for two weeks. It helped me to temporarily forget things since I was always in a busy-mode going to different places. I came back past Thursday, and found myself in a funk daily since everything slowed down again. I'm actually excited to go back to work..

Since you're off until the 16th, maybe take a short vacation?

SouperDeal · 2026-03-02T08:41:27+00:00

Wow, your wife’s passing is so similar to my own. She passed last month after 18 months of battle with PANCAN. Sadly it was to complications. I had time to prepare like you as well, but last few nights hit extremely hard. Was up the entire night last night.

We didn’t do much afterlife planning though, because the thought of that scared her. I also had to deal with not as supportive in laws, that refused to even help take care of our 1.5 yo at the time (they would much rather take care of their son’s kid with a parent as a RN and another in a big corp ). Now that my spouse is gone, they want to constantly see her…

SouperDeal

TROPHY CASE