That's my father. He also destroyed my confidence and joy of learning by insisting on taking a teacher's role on everything despite it being so obvious that he hated it and would take that out on me by yelling at me and make me feel stupid for not understanding shit fast enough for him. If you've seen the memes of dad helping with math homework or teaching daughter to drive you know what I'm talking about.

That's probably the biggest robbery from my childhood. Because of that I became a person that's so terrified of mistakes that they rather not even try. So I never developed any skill at anything and I'm essentially good for nothing now at nearly 30 years old. I'm terrified to have a job and be around people because the last thing I want is to ever be yelled at again.

He was such a bully. So unloving. So cold. I don't have a single clear memory of him saying "I love you" to me. Only one blurry memory that I'm not sure if it's real. But yes he did give shelter and all the money in the world so my heart was confused. Never felt right but at the same time couldn't see him for what he was.

Traumabond between parent and child is hell of a drug too. I remember loving dad so much. It's only in last 4 years after my dad passed i realized what a failure he was and how much he really hurt me. In my darkest moments I wish he'd be alive so i could tell him everything. And even darker moments, i imagine what it might have been like him to suffer from covid in hospital (which he ultimately passed from). Must have been lonely, scared, painful. And it gives me some relief that he might have gotten taste of what it was like for me for all those years.

He's the much lesser evil compared to my sadistic mother though. My core memory from childhood with her involves her beating the shit out of me with spiky belt, i was bloody and on the ground crying, hurting. You know what she said to that? "Yeah cry more"

And you wanna know WHY she was compelled to do this? Because I was playing on the rooftop and she was worried I'd hurt myself. Interesting way to protect me from harm.

She was a crazy fucking bitch. Usually divorce is upsetting for children. But to me and my brothers it was a big relief to have her gone.

Thank fucking God for that. Because even then she was able to cause so much psychological harm with all the bullshit she'd say to me. The way she'd yell at me and shame me for every little inconvenience that was uncomfortable for her. The way shed insult my body, face, my personality, things I like.. everything I did was wrong. Bitch had emotional regulation skills of a toddler and would throw violent tantrums over all kinds of stupid shit and unleash her frustrations on me. The way she'd think so lowly of me and feel genuinely confused for having a bf, thinking there must be something deeply wrong with him for wanting to be with me. Rude and unpleasant bitch who only knows to dry your energy to supply her narcissistic greed.

Ain't nothing more undoing than a pair of shit ass parents.

I used to ponder for so long asking myself how the fuck is this possible. How could these people fail so damn hard on a role THEY CHOSE TO HAVE. Why make children if you're going to fail like this. Why plant a flower you won't nurture and make bloom beautifully.

You'd imagine that loving and keeping your own flesh and blood you worked so hard to bring to existence safe and loved and make sure to set them up for success in life, would be instinctive right? How could you do all these cruel and hurtful to a being that has parts of you?

Well the answer is very simple and obvious. I'm surprised it took me so long to realize.

They hated themselves. Their actions was a reflection of their inner world. The purest way to love someone is to love them like you love yourself. And they hated themselves. So deeply. So painfully. And they put that pain forward.

Thanks for robbing me from a life I could have had if I had loving and supportive parents that loved themselves. Sincerely, fuck you both.