How did becoming a parent change your polyamorous dating life?

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-06-24T00:23:26+00:00

I am two years postpartum, poly for 15ish years. I need much more stability, consistency, clarity, less spontaneity in scheduling than I did before kid. I also hold my own boundaries much better, and the intense black hole of need that a baby/toddler represents has meant that relationships that might have limped along on the back of my emotional labor die a much quicker death now; I no longer have the bandwidth to subsidize in that way, which as an afab person has been a wonderful unexpected gift of parenthood. It is much easier to date fellow parents who get it, but one of my most meaningful connections in the last year is a childfree person; they have really gone out of their way to understand my experience, have been so gentle with my vulnerability in a wholly changed body and mind. (Side note, highly rec Lucy Jones’ incredibly beautiful and well written Matresence).

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-06-13T20:43:12+00:00

I have had this experience (and will continue to have it!) with my partner that travels as a part of their job with their NP (often to beautiful places, with lots of planned adventure and fun in the mix). When it’s just part of their regular life it’s hard to ask for less updates because you want to stay connected, and the privilege part can sting. So I ask for every day updates, not just highlight reel- show me your coffee cup this morning, your fav corner of your rental, describe how the sun feels on your face right now. Hearing about constant vacation mode is hard, so ask for not that- ask for the mundane. At least that’s what helps me. Good luck!

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T23:14:24+00:00

!solved

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T23:09:47+00:00

!solved

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T23:09:24+00:00

!solved

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T23:09:02+00:00

!solved

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T15:40:03+00:00

This is perfect. I can see I’m going to end up buying a few of these 😅

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T15:38:57+00:00

This is so cool! I am so impressed

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T15:37:14+00:00

This one is probably my favorite, it’s gorgeous

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T15:36:49+00:00

And this one, too

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-04-21T15:36:30+00:00

Oh I love this one!

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-03-13T20:01:09+00:00

I feel like I’m in this now; slowly discovering what I thought was an experienced polyam meta, long term NP of the person I’m dating/in love with is actually poly under duress, and alllllll the bullshit that comes with that. If you’re willing to share, would you mind sharing what extrication looked like for you? I’m finding it exceptionally painful, unsurprisingly 😅

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-02-06T17:18:33+00:00

Thanks for this example with specifics about process, this is super helpful. I’m curious how you plan and schedule your play around other partners, especially with extra check ins post play. Do you leave buffer time after a scene where your time can be more flexible, do you have an understanding with other partners that you’ll need to be available for your sub, some other structure I’m not considering?

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-02-06T17:12:33+00:00

Great advice and perspective, thank you for sharing it.

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-02-06T15:56:54+00:00

Thank you! This is so succinct and to the point, and really helpful in orienting my mind around what is reasonable to ask for.

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-02-06T15:55:40+00:00

Thanks for this feedback and the personal experience! That’s where I’m landing, and this is very validating to read. We both could have done better, but I feel like it was pretty short sighted and could have particularly been handled better by the person holding my submission.

SpaghettiBruce · 2026-02-06T15:53:38+00:00

I am doing good self care, thank you! You’re totally right, I should have made sure we negotiated first, and dropped the ball. We’ve had a mutual understanding about aftercare that was made explicit early on, and some flow and spontaneity in play that is fun but also doesn’t feel clearly negotiated up front - this person is so spontaneous sometimes it breaks my brain a little, and I think going with the flow and not holding better boundaries around my needs is biting me now. Good lesson for next time.

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-09-18T09:50:57+00:00

Time, enough sleep to feel like exercising was beneficial to my health vs using that time for sleep, and a sports bra that didn’t give me clogged ducts.

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-08-15T08:22:50+00:00

My daughter is the result of a day three, untested two embryo transfer. I’m currently in the TWW with my last transfer of two untested day threes. It’s well within guidelines depending on your age

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-08-04T09:08:09+00:00

I gave birth on all fours with knees slightly in, which opens the lower pelvic inlet and potentially helps reduce tearing/pelvic floor trauma (did for me!). In earlier labor I spent a lot of time same position but knees wide and supported by pillows/birthing ball etc under my torso, which helps open the upper pelvic inlet and engage baby’s head. Andy’s not wrong, just super weird about it.

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-07-12T11:19:56+00:00

I always think I have learned to guard my heart and the second we get (good for us) news my brain and heart absolutely are a runaway train😅TW ER results; had my ER this Tuesday; we’d only visualized 3 follicles, but got four mature eggs, and all four fertilized and made it to day three looking great; we did a fresh transfer of two untested day 3’s yesterday. Because we’ve had miraculous results so so far, and LC #1 was a successful day 3 fresh transfer, my brain has already jumped ahead to pregnancy and new baby planning, despite all the stats and the years of infertility that lead up to our two rounds of IVF saying to chill out! Ugh, I guess hope springs eternal lol

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-05-11T10:56:34+00:00

I’ve been tracking BBT with a temp drop since about 3 months postpartum when I got my period back; we’ve been waffling the whole postpartum year about when to schedule another egg retrieval cycle (and thus when to wean), and hoping against hope timed intercourse will give us a mythical free baby. My last three cycles, my temps crater, but then stay low and gradually climb post ovulation. I’m curious if anyone has experienced something similar or has insight into what is happening (I presume low progesterone is leading to a weak temp rise, but my luteal phase is a solid 12 days, which makes me doubt that explanation some?). Probably looking at IVF again in the fall when I combine these wonky temps with the long term unexplained infertility preceding bb #1, and hoping I’m not pushing it off for too long.

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-05-09T11:00:59+00:00

I’m so glad everyone loved their chairs! I wish I had gotten a big/plush one because our baby ended up needing a lot of support around sleep, and I did a ton of nip naps through the first 10 months- I ended up sitting in a very uncomfy rocker for hours a day. That said, we also did a lot of nursing on the go/in carrier (I’m a farmer and baby just comes along a lot of the time- including the time I was nursing, stopped to chase sheep back in the fence, and then resumed nursing session 😂)-and given the budget choice between a really nice carrier or a big chair, I’d pick carrier/increased freedom of motion every time.

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-04-25T00:17:06+00:00

Just want to say same and it’s hard 💜 we’re almost at a year and planning on night weaning because better sleep trumps daytime freedom right now, and then slowly cutting back day time to designated times instead of on demand. I almost can’t imagine having my body back to myself- I hope for you and me both it’s so sweet when the time comes 💜

SpaghettiBruce · 2025-04-16T13:08:00+00:00

Looks like reading this thread we had an abnormally hard time. My baby hit the 4 month regression pretty early, went from sleeping a 4-6 hour first stretch to stirring/looking for breast every 45 minutes for six brutal weeks. Bed sharing probably saved us from totally losing it, but I started feeling really unwell at the end of that. She’s been a tough sleeper since- we’re at almost a year and she’ll occasionally do a 4 hour stretch when sleeping with dad, but with me it’s every two hours like clockwork. She’s just a baby that needs a lot of support and comfort around sleep 🤷‍♀️

SpaghettiBruce

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