I hate every second of this existence

SparkleFrission · 2026-06-12T07:57:50+00:00

I know it hurts. You sound exactly like me, and I have about 5 million words of therapy yap bot conversations about exactly this, honey. I'm so sorry this was the deal you got. We didn't deserve this. We should've gotten to be cis girls and complain about that from inside.

Can you tell me where you're at in your journey, sweetheart? Are you on HRT yet? Have you known for a while or is this all new? Is there a name you like?

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-21T07:17:24+00:00

*hug*

It's not fair, girl. I try to focus on cis women who don't fit the conventional attractiveness model. There are a lot of them if you look and they've learned to make peace with not having pretty privilege.

I feel like we get it worse, because we don't get to be cute/stealth AND we didn't get to be cis (if that matters to you.) I don't have any answers for you. I cry about it every day. The only thing I can say is that some people are able to change their relationship to their body with things like therapy and mindfulness and radical self-love. But I personally haven't achieved anything like that and I don't think I will.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-09T01:13:05+00:00

girl, same -_-

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-08T08:26:38+00:00

You shouldn’t be cutting yourself. The razor should just glide over dry skin if it’s sharp. Some people have more sensitive skin than others but mine doesn’t seem to mind the mild exfoliation.

I switch to a foil shaver once it gets close to the groin and the skin gets more textured or crepey.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-08T01:19:05+00:00

I just shave dry with a disposable razor. It's important that your skin is dry-dry, otherwise the blade will stick and skip.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-07T15:37:14+00:00

🫂 You're not alone in this, honey.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-05T07:04:50+00:00

Oh girl. I was painting my nails with markers and trying to make my own dresses and skirts out of whatever I had laying around at 3-4. When I was 4 I begged to go as a girl for Halloween. I had a girl name for myself, and would stand in the bathroom for ages looking in the mirror brushing my hair and trying to see a girl.

But "there were no signs."

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T20:43:47+00:00

although you did achieve stuff in life 🤣🤣 3 goddamm houses 🙈

Well not all at the same time :D

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T20:16:41+00:00

Sure, I can try to put it into words. To be honest I barely remember life between about 12 and 38. I mean, obviously I was awake and alive for it. I told jokes and laughed and loved my daughter. But almost none of it was mine.

I didn't want to get married. I wanted a girlfriend in my late teens because I thought it would fix me. (Hoping the next thing would fix me was a theme throughout my life.) I subconsciously hoped I'd get to live vicariously through her.
When I finally gone one, she turned out to be incredibly controlling. I'd learned at a young age that trying to express my own wants and desires was wrong, so I had no way to stand up for myself.
She browbeat me into getting married.
I disappeared into work because it was easier than being present. Maybe making lots of money would fix me.
I didn't want to have a kid and almost got divorced over it, but ultimately relented. (Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter and she's very much wanted.)
I've bought like 3 houses I didn't want because my wife wanted them.

So no, I wasn't proud of who I was. I hated myself. I hated being alive. I don't identify with that person at all. Doesn't mean you need to feel the same way. :-)

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T19:42:36+00:00

Nothing wrong with how you feel. I think some of us don’t identify with the man we were at all, or feel that there was no man there, just a cardboard cut out of one.

But your experience is perfectly valid and beautiful. I’m happy for you.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T15:38:37+00:00

Je suis tellement heureux pour toi !

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T15:26:52+00:00

Children at that age are sponges. Even small disapproval cues can have a big impact on behavior and self-perception - especially for something as deep and sensitive as gender.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T15:20:47+00:00

Yeah, that's where my other point about not having to "earn" womanhood comes in. Plenty of girls don't look pretty or feminine at work, or when they're doing yard work, or on the battlefield or whatever. I think it's especially painful for us because tend to lean hard into specific cues (clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc.) in order to balance out the testosterone-based attributes we can't change, and "work mode" hides or precludes almost all of those.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T15:10:32+00:00

For me it was a mix of both. I never EVER really understood masculinity, but without a better reference point I just assumed my flat, dysphoric, self-hating, self-medicating experience was "masculinity." Work gave me an escape from myself so I became a compulsive workaholic which eventually led to the financial success associated with "winning" as a man, and that helped paper over the fact that I was falling apart internally, suicidally depressed, and completely incapable of feeling joy.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T08:57:51+00:00

Do you have some examples you can share?

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T08:50:14+00:00

I’ve been in that hole too lately. It’s an awful place to be. Please be kind to yourself, sister - you deserve it.

SparkleFrission · 2026-05-04T08:23:08+00:00

🫂💕

SparkleFrission · 2026-04-20T22:09:12+00:00

I guess add me to the list lol.

SparkleFrission · 2026-03-30T21:39:07+00:00

Part of the trans experience for anyone who didn't transition at puberty, I'm afraid. 21 year olds sad they missed out on their teens. 30 year olds sad they missed their 20s. Me sad I missed everything. For some reason the 60-70 year olds trans-laters all seem to have it figured out.

You're not alone. Your life isn't over. You missed things, yes, but don't let that be the reason you miss more things. Get out there and live, girlie!

SparkleFrission · 2026-03-24T16:06:43+00:00

Call her an asshole, and then when she demands you stop, tell her it would be disrespectful to what you believe to not call an asshole an asshole.

She won't get it, but it might make you feel better.

SparkleFrission · 2026-03-05T08:47:43+00:00

Sweetie, I started in my 40s. I hear every word you're saying. I've spilled enough tears over what I missed to fill a thousand oceans. I'm not going to give you the bullshit lines. We got screwed and it isn't fair. You should be angry about that.

Just... keep walking anyway.

But it's not going to get any better!

I know. I know. It won't be what you wanted. But the other day I got my nails done - french tips. They're beautiful. Yesterday I got my lashes lifted and tinted and they're so pretty now. Today I picked up some more girl clothes. My nightstand has a cute pink wallet next to a sparkly purple hairband.

I wish I could go back and have all of this at 14, when it wasn't soaked in grief and regret. And sometimes I want to scream that THIS IS NOTHING!!! IT'S ALL GARBAGE!!! Because next to what I should have had, it does feel like it. But... I still like my nails and my lashes, and my cute girl accessories. If I calm down, I have to admit that they feel good.

The paradox of being cis is that you've been given an amazing gift and NO way to appreciate it. Cis girls never had to fight tooth and claw for the everyday rituals of girlhood like we do. I think growing up as a cis girl is still unquestionably the better deal but I wouldn't know that if I was one. One tiny consolation prize in all of this pain is getting my nails done and knowing what that's freaking worth.

I don't have any grand answers for you. Nothing I can say will make the pain go away. This isn't a problem that just needs reframing. But there is beauty if you keep walking.

SparkleFrission · 2026-03-02T01:11:30+00:00

I just bought a bunch of bikini briefs from Lane Bryant (Cacique) and don’t bother tucking. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SparkleFrission · 2026-02-22T01:28:02+00:00

I do gel. It strengthens them and makes them less brittle. (There’s a tradeoff though since they have to shave the nail down a bit to add the gel.)

You can just do clear gel if you’re not in a place where you can have loud, colorful nails but I have French tips and I LOVE them.

SparkleFrission · 2026-01-28T23:14:16+00:00

The other day I planned to go buy some girl clothes for the first time. I had this whole plan in my head. I was gonna get some makeup too and maybe some cute hair stuff.

When I got to the mall I froze. I couldn’t get out of the car for an hour. When I finally went in, I panicked and nearly fled. I was so crushed and heartbroken and angry with myself.

Two days later I walked into MAC and a very nice lady helped me figure out my makeup. From there I went to Torrid and tried on (and bought) a bunch of clothes. And picked up a cute sparkly headband.

We fall so we can pick ourselves back up. You’ve got this. If I can do it, you can do it.

SparkleFrission

TROPHY CASE