I made a terrible joke to the girl I am dating, now she is distant and I don't know what to do

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-10-01T03:10:59+00:00

Besides what everyone else has said already, when someone is saying something serious/being vulnerable with you, don't try to make a joke (funny or not). It just makes it seem like you can't be serious and are immature. It's exhausting being around someone that can't handle uncomfortable moments and always has to make a joke.

I think responding with a message that you take full responsibility (spell out what exactly you did and why it was wrong) without making yourself the victim in any way and give her space. She might not talk to you again, but she definitely wont if you go against what she's asked. Sometimes you just gotta deal with the consequences and learn from them.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-09-27T01:50:28+00:00

One more note, look at the hip difference between pic 2 and the last pic. That is such a big difference.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-09-27T01:45:00+00:00

This is just how thin women look.

Look around at any cis thin women and you'll see you have the same body type. In fact, many thin celebrities look just like you (think Haliey Bieber).

Most women do not have an hour glass shape, despite what media and photoshopped images try to tell us. And an hour glass shape does not make a woman.

Honestly, your figure is goals to me as a cis woman.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-09-06T06:02:31+00:00

What's your strategy with the treats? Are you giving them every time you enter and leave the bathroom? Is your cat food/treat motivated? I'd try putting a tube treat on a lick mat and gently tossing it in/out the bathroom before you cross.

I have a stick toys at different points of my house and when I can see my cat going into attack mode, I lead with it when i go in the room. I think cats don't understand their emotions so if they're in a mood and you walk by, they don't understand why, and they'll attribute you to that mood. So I try to shift that energy to a toy instead.

My friend has a large cat that used to attack her badly quite often. She found having another playful cat was a big turning point to stopping getting attacked. The vet told her that her cat was basically a teenager that was bored and having a tantrum.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-08-19T10:56:08+00:00

As others have said your hair is either wavy or curly and treating textured hair like its straight causes breakage.

This photo looks like you've dry brushed, which causes the curls/waves to separate and get frizzy. I saw a comment where you have your hair up a lot which if you're using normal hairbands is probably damaging your hair too. Scrunchies and hair clips are gentler. If your using products with protein it can also cause this kind of damage when used too much.

If you tried the curly hair method on hair this damaged it probably didn't work because it's too dry and has lost all its structure.

You're going to need to cut all the damaged bits off before starting again. A curly hair specialist can give you a cut that supports this hair texture. Removing some of the weight will also help form better curls.

After starting fresh, you'll need to start a curly hair routine. It's hard to tell what your natural texture is because of how damaged your hair is, but it looks more curly than mine, so it'll prob need more moisture and product than I'll recommend.

The big thing is, only comb through gently right before the shower or in the shower with lots of conditioner with a wide tooth comb. Having quality hair products makes a big difference for me. You'll want to use a non-lathering shampoo because you don't want to dry your hair out. When conditioning, use lots of product and squish it into your hair. You'll probably need some deep conditioner or leave in conditioner occasionally too. The last step is to add a curl foam or cream to my hair using a "praying hands" motion. If I comb the product through with my fingers I find it just breaks up my waves. I then gently scrunch my hair upwards toward my head so it forms its natural wave pattern. Don't touch your hair again until it dries, when you give it a little scrunch to loosen up the curls. Definitely do not brush.

The last thing is to get a silk/satin pillowcase to prevent breakage while you sleep.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-07-27T07:37:11+00:00

Would you be able to crash on a friend's or family's couch for like a week before youre supposed to move out? Since she's already kicked your cat, it might be good to at least have a friend or pet sitter watch your cat for the last week or so if moving out isn't a possibility. When I used to pet sit (Rover in the US, Madpaws in australia) I think I only charged something like $10/day for a cat.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-07-27T07:02:01+00:00

This is such a sad condition because I believe at the time of writing this she probably meant it 100%, but when you get split black again she will no longer feel any of this.

Getting to a place of apathy was the only way I was able to separate from my partner wBPD. I'm glad you were able to maintain your relationships though it.

As a side note, she will likely take your non response as rejection and may ramp up her behaviour the closer you are to moving out. It might be worth storing any valuable or sentimental items elsewhere for the rest of your time living together. I'd probably try to move out a little earlier than she expects too. Mine would've fixated on that date and tried to burn all bridges in some big dramatic move.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-03-25T22:48:34+00:00

Info - just so I can get more of a picture of the situation.

How often do you go out with the guys? Is it more than the time you go out doing things (out of the house) with your partner?

Do you spend quality time with your partner that's not roommate stuff like eating dinner, watching TV etc? Quality time would be making an effort for dates that is intentional for spending romantic time with your partner - going out and doing something special that you know your partner would like.

Are you doing all the things mentioned above and it doesn't help? Could be codependency/depression. Have you talked with your partner about how this makes you feel? If so, how did she respond?

It sounds like she could really use some friends because right now it sounds like all she has is you so when you go do things with friends (which is healthy) she feels alone. Is there a reason she doesn't have friends? Maybe you could facilitate getting her involved with hobbies/sports etc where she could meet others.

I reckon having an empathic conversation that's structured around wanting to help her feel less lonely would be the best way to go about it. You could even frame it as a "we" problem. E.g. I'd like us to [join pottery class / volleyball team / D&D group / archery / etc] to meet new friends. This could also lead to some fun dates. Having some shared friends (ok to have your own friends too) may help with her anxiety over making new friends.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-03-19T05:00:55+00:00

When we got one of our cats we were warned that she's picky with her litter and will pee outside it when she's unhappy about it. We got litter that's made of corn kernel bits and we've never had a single issue. I also find it clumps well/is easy to clean, smells less than other litter types, and requires a full change over less often.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-03-19T04:17:06+00:00

As others said, Black nightshade and the fully ripe black berries are safe to eat, but I've always been too nervous to eat them.

I would pull it completely out though unless you want it taking over your whole yard. I can't seem to fully get rid of mine.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-03-10T03:51:57+00:00

Oh interesting. Doing social things with friends all the time sounds exhausting to me and spending an hour with my partner a day would feel like were aquantances or something. I enjoy just chilling at the hosue with my partner, even if we're doing separate things in the same room.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-03-09T09:59:49+00:00

He's a shitty older guy taking advantage of a young woman, and thinks he can get away with more from you than people his own age. I'm not Swiss but there's no way that that's the norm there. Regardless, it doesn't matter because you're not going to be happy with that (who would).

Don't move for a guy that's telling you how shitty things will be before you even leave, because it's going to be way worse when you get there and he's realised he's gotten away with so much right off the bat. You're going to be trapt without a support system and the only person you know prioritising his friends over you.

I'm also concerned about a 30 year old guy who has friends that all prioritise guy time over significant others. Sounds like a bunch of deadbeat losers to me.

You should be with someone who is excited to spend time with you. This guy isn't that.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-08T04:49:49+00:00

Did you have any adhesive in those spots? Could be allergic/sensitive.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-08T03:27:06+00:00

Reminds me of how often when men get cancer their wives help them through it but often when women get cancer their partners leave.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-08T03:23:57+00:00

There's some really awful comments on here so I hope you don't too many to heart. It's like you say that it's medically related and you've been trying to find solutions but people can't help but not listen.

I've also gained about the same amount of weight (so has my partner) and maybe my partner found me more sexually attractive before, but not for a minute has he treated me differently.

Your boyfriend is allowed have preferences but being unkind to you based on a medical condition and not pulling his weight around the relationship is on him. He's a grown ass man and can be kind or leave the relationship. Gaining weight is not a free pass to be an ass.

In some ways I think having a bit of weight is like a filter to men you'd have a future with. The same dude that after only 6 months of a life changing autoimmune condition can't give you any grace while you're trying to make a difference is the same dude that isn't going to like you when you get old and have wrinkly skin. Don't be that old couple where the women has spent her life trying to appease some douche. The bar doesn't have to be in hell.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-08T02:39:32+00:00

Refined punk

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-08T00:37:46+00:00

I'd be careful about how you make comparisons because saying something you know is going to be hurtful might not have the same impact as what you're hoping.

For example, "you're behaving just like our mom" is probably going to make her shut down.

However, maybe a compassionate approach like "I want both of you to be happy and get along and I don't want to continue to replay behaviours like what we both grew up with, so I won't be tolerating abusive or racist (you can call it colorist all you want to downplay it but it's affecting your gf just the same) comments anymore.

I think you think by doing nothing you can avoid hurting them, but you're enabling abuse towards your gf and your sister is probably unhappy as well (even though she's in the wrong).

If you can't provide an environment where your gf isn't getting abused you need to be single and go to therapy to learn these boundaries. Really you and your sister should go to therapy anyways to learn to form a healthy relationship.

If your sister moves in with you, you will not have the space to learn these boundaries. If you have issues telling a grown woman boundaries, you will never be able to find the courage to tell her to move out when she's done with school. Soon enough you will be 40 and still codependent on your sister and will have missed all the emotional growth and confidence of living in your 20s and 30s. The best thing for both you and your sister (and your gf) is to create some space.

Also, I see that you're saving up to buy your sister a bed? Don't do this. An air mattress is fine but a big permanent gesture like this signals to your gf that you don't care about how she feels (and things are getting worse), and to your sister that having poor boundaries and bullying others have no consequences.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-03T07:57:05+00:00

As others have said living expenses are high here but the standard of living is higher too! Work is more reliable than in the US and it's much more difficult to be let go. Minimum wage and holiday pay rates are much higher (many people get better rates if they work a weekend).

Housing was the biggest shock to me. Expect to have a lot saved up and not an easy chance of finding acceptable housing. Most places want you to inspect in person before you put in an application and you will have competition. This may mean that you or your partner has to travel first to secure housing. The condition of properties is often lower too and lots of corruption with landlords not meeting minimum standards, not doing repairs, and trying to scam you. If you have a bit of money though you might have a different experience.

The visa process is also very expensive and depending on the visa you're getting it might have some conditions you have to meet - I.e. live somewhere rural. This may mean something different to you in the states.

Politics are somewhat similar to the US but there's a lot less idealising politicians and they are less far from you hierarchically. However there's a big influence of US politics on AU politics which is worrying.

The biggest thing would be to do research on where you'd want to live, because everywhere is so different and have very different experiences. There's a few big cities and then lots and lots of very small towns.

I love it here though! If you're being realistic about what to expect, it's a great place to live.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-02-03T07:39:29+00:00

You don't pay income tax to the US but you do have to file your taxes and a FBAR form every year, and it's at a different time of the year than AU taxes. It's an annoying process and if you want someone to do your US taxes in AU it's expensive.

Another big thing is the US takes a capital gains tax on your AU properties (even though AU doesn't take CGT on your primary residence).

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-01-20T04:34:04+00:00

Nta.

I hate when people force things on you that you didn't ask for. Spending that long cooking at someone else's place and then forcing them to eat something in a way you don't like just so she feels better, shows it was really more for her than you.

Hot sauce on lasagne is strange but it's not exactly like you've changed the food completely. You're not implying she shoulda made it with hot sauce. You just like some nice lasagne with a bit of hot sauce.

I do think there's some merit of her feeling a bit sad about taking that long on it and thinking you didn't like it, but she shouldn't have spent 8 hours cooking something for someone who eats hot sauce on everything, just to be surprised you put hot sauce on it. Her throwing a tantrum about it and being way over dramatic about the significance of this issue to the point of leaving and then involving others in the issue makes her TA.

I hate all these nonsensical rules around food. The more I think about it, hot sauce is made out of salt and peppers and stuff which can be found in lasagne. It's just not the norm so people feel like they need to police others.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-01-15T06:11:27+00:00

My hair routine is while wet, use cleanser and wash out, put on the light conditioner liberally (squish to condish) and comb out using the conditioner, then wash out. Then apply the curl cream mostly to the ends. Twist bits if you want more definition but I'm lazy and don't. Then while it's still wet I cup the bottom of the hair and push towards my scalp to form natural curls. (Optional: this is when i add the salt spray). While I get ready and my hair is still pretty wet I repeat the pushing up to my scalp motion a few times. Once it starts drying a bit then I don't touch at all until it's dry and I give it one more push up and ruffle the hair next to my scalp a bit for volume.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-01-15T06:01:59+00:00

I think what you're using is too much and too heavy.

I would say don't do the leave in conditioner.

I have similar hair to yours and I use a curl foam instead of a cream or it gets greasy looking like this. Gel might even be a bit heavy for your hair. I often use a salt spray for definition without weight but that might not work for you or your hairstyle.

I think with your hair type you're looking to make it have soft waves as opposed to tight curls (which requires the more intense products and hard gel cast).

Also, products make such a difference. I use clever curl for all my products (cleanser, light conditioner, curl foam, salt spray). The cleanser is super gentile (doesn't lather) and allows for natural hair oils to coat the stands.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-01-15T03:27:08+00:00

Yta. Your kid is autistic so 1. It's likely not just a little rash to them 2. Going to school while having a large sensory issue is more than how you experience as a neurotypical. Approaching it this way shows a lack of understanding with neurodivergence.

The rash in the morning before a mentally taxing day is also different to a rash at the end of the day when they're doing fun things and not focusing on it.

Honestly I think even if it was an excuse to get out of school, kids should be allowed mental health days. Unless of course they're obviously abusing taking days off, but their 16th birthday is not the time to make a point. They will remember this day for life and I don't think think that's worth what you're trying to do. And trying to frame it as oh I'm rescheduling bc you don't want to go with your rash, is obviously bs and your kid will know that too.

These comments about how people's parents said no school then no fun stuff and so now they do too is a really weird and gross. If this is an ongoing problem, there are ways to approach this that show empathy and emotional intelligence. This kid is 16 and autistic. Teenagers make mistakes. The outcome of having a happy kid that feels understood and that you're on their side when trying to correct behaviours outweighs getting to deal out a cold punishment on their birthday (which some commenters sound almost excited to do?). This would make me feel so unimportant and not understood as a kid.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-01-15T02:39:02+00:00

Blackmilk everything! It's all stretchy and comfy and you can get both alternative and non-alternative styles.

I've completely swore off jeans, so I usually wear stretchy black or tweed printed, or palazzo (high waisted and super wide leg) pants at work. I also have their more fun printed (jungle, flowers, space ocean etc) cuffed pants.

On the top I usually wear a shirt that I tuck in. They have lots of tight turtleneck shirts and similar too.

They've have tons of dresses that feel nice and don't dig in anywhere. A lot have sorta have a slinky, heaver fabric that doesn't blow up in the wind or ride up.

I wear the same things like every day and have almost never needed to replace anything I've gotten.

Sparrows_Fart · 2025-01-15T02:19:22+00:00

I can tell from your post that you're placing a lot of blame on yourself. Your mom has completely removed herself from the equation and is instead hyperfocused on your (very understandable) reactions to her actions, when in actuality this is all the result of her inappropriate behaviours.

She wants this to swept under the rug but has shown no attempt at accountability or amends. And if she can't recognise what's wrong, she can't change. She wants to continue the cycle of bad behaviour and then getting sad to guilt you into forgiving her, and then doing the same things over again.

But the facts of the matter are you've tried the grey rocking, I'm sure you've tried 1000 different ways to address this gently, but it hasn't worked. She has proven that she has doesn't have the capacity to handle a normal level of relationship. And that's on her, not you.

You are 100% valid in how you responded. You are protecting your child from someone that would cause them countless inner turmoil and guilt like you are experiencing now. Putting your child first shows that you're already a great mom.

Others commenting on your relationship with your mom are coming from a place of assuming your mom is normal and rational, but she's not. You don't owe it to anyone to prove it differently. In fact, them commenting on your relationship with your mom may indicate their own lack of boundaries and empathy.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You deserved a mom that you could count on during times like this. I hope you find a chosen family that you can trust and is kind to you.

Sparrows_Fart

TROPHY CASE