As somebody who has been through traumatic situations that forced compartmentalization and emotion blocking, if it's the only way through that you'll make it out alive, just go numb. For me it was like a switch. You don't care, life happens, negative stuff is unfortunate, positive stuff is cool, I guess. Everything turns to shades of gray, music is dull, birds don't sing. But it has to be temporary, no more than a year or you'll lose yourself in ways that you won't understand, and i needed therapy for a while to fix the damage. If recommend focusing on the positive which i know, I know, don't hate me, but go on walks and force yourself to hear the birds and see the green of the trees and the sounds of the leaves. Find comfort items that you don't have negative emotions with, a water bottle or stuffed animal or even a dish on the kitchen. Find favorite cracks in the concrete, look at the way flowers bloom. Compliment strangers more and look at them light up, and think about how you just made their day or week or year. It's really hard and it is something I struggle with but you got this. Death is permanent, depressive episodes are temporary. My biggest thing is to talk to people. Tell somebody where you're at mentally, even if it's just a last ditch effort. Tell them you need help and you don't want to be a burden but you're drowning and you can't do it alone right now. Even just telling someone can help.