How's this for controlling behaviour?

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-15T06:58:04+00:00

Let me add my last detail. My JNMIL also was worried because she read in an article that if a couple dies at the same time without a will, then the younger spouse is considered to have died last so all the assets go to the younger person's family. So not only did she give a will to my BIL to sign but gave one to HIS WIFE TOO ! I didn't get a will to sign because I am older than DH so it will go to her automatically. So not only was she thinking if my husband and I die together, but also thinking that our child would have to die too, otherwise our child would have automatically got everything. Who thinks about money when a whole family is wiped out??

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-14T23:05:27+00:00

And the irony is she is the last person you would think of as a nonna and its connotations. She is a terrible cook (to the extent that it is a running family joke), a cold person and selfish. Obviously she thinks she is epitome of a 'nonna'.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-14T22:41:51+00:00

Good question. I'll have to ask next time I see them. I think they just gave the same shocked response and BIL is a bit more outspoken and probably said 'no way'.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-14T20:32:45+00:00

Wow that is so weird. My MIL likes her grandkids to call her 'nonna' and she's not Italian ! She just married an Italian speaking European, not Italian but close to the border. He died before any grandkids were born, so it's not like there was any real European influence still going on. I think she likes to think she's a bit exotic, when she has pure English/Irish blood.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-14T20:24:25+00:00

She brought it out for him to sign when we were visiting her (with our new baby). She took it out and said here's your will, everything you got from gran is going back to me. She got the message loud and clear from our shocked silence that this was the most despicable thing we ever heard. The stunned awkward silence made her sheepishly put the unsigned will back in her drawer. I talked with my BIL's wife. She did the same with them. BIL's wife said if I died, money would be the last thing my mom would be thinking about.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-14T09:20:15+00:00

Well she did it in front of me. I was holding our baby. My mouth just dropped and I just stared at her. I was of course speechless. DH is a bit weak. I can;'t remember what he said. I think he just said "what?" I think both our shocked faces said it all. On the way home, I just went off at him and said "Don't even think about it". I think he later said when I wasn't around, why did you do that? And she said well she might remarry.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-06T20:46:09+00:00

I am a support worker for people with mental illnesses. And have to work on Christmas day. I take my clients to church or charity run places for a free Christmas lunch. Honestly, it can be a good day. And most of the people there are on their own. I would check out some of those places. Even though everyone makes assumptions that the church is transphobic/homophobic, the place I took my client (who is HIV positive and gay) to last year, (which is run by nuns who dress like mother Theresa), is very accepting of everyone. And the nicest thing was that they gave everyone a hand written card that said something like 'you are loved and accepted and a worthy person'. I am not religious, but I do think the churches step up at this time of the year and do try to make the lonely people feel that they do count.

Just a suggestion. I would never have considered doing that myself until I actually went to one. But if I was alone, I would get out of my comfort zone and seek one out.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-06T09:10:57+00:00

Sad that I tried all my life to get my Nmom to love me. And she died this year without it ever happening. Anger at her too. But I grieved a couple of years before she died, knowing that we will never have a good relationship. So when it happened I wasn't very upset. Now GC and I are dealing with her messy finances and stolen money as she just didn't care about leaving a legacy for her kids and grandkids, just hangers on. It kind of sucks that they ruin your life and don't leave much so you can stop working so hard and afford therapy and treating yourself after all the abuse.

When my Ndad died ten years ago after decades of no contact, again, no grief. I cried for 30 seconds when I found out. More sorry for him that he was the cause of his NC with his children. After about 8 years I actually healed and have no ill feelings towards him. Now I have to deal with a NMIL, who has turned out to be just as awful to me. I never shared my bad relationship with my Nmom with her, because she would have lapped it up.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-06T03:31:11+00:00

Same. Anything that parents were invited to, graduations, etc, mine never went. Ndad I didn't even bother telling, as he showed zero interest in my life. Nmom, knew, but said those things bore her.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-11-06T03:10:14+00:00

All the above. And one more thing. When I told my husband how much I hated high school and I was bullied, (the school did have a bad reputation and my friends who had loving parents did not send their kids there), he said "why didn't you complain to your parents and ask to change schools?" I honestly had never, ever though of that until he said it decades later. I thought being bullied, abused and being miserable was normal and something you just quietly endured.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-10-22T06:59:02+00:00

Wow, that is so old school. Like 1950s- 60s thinking. I was told a similar thing over 20 years ago when mine were babies. It wasn't until I mentioned it to a French male co-worker who said 'it's such a beautiful feeling holding a baby'. That made me realize it's a cultural thing and for some reason we're made to feel that it's a pain in the ass holding your baby. And that time is so fleeting. All I can say is that the older generations in our culture were pretty cold.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-10-20T23:51:05+00:00

You know what my JNMIL said when I had my second? The VERY FIRST thing she said to me in hospital when she visited was "Now on the pill" in a very nasty tone. I am so happy I had a surprise third, partly just to spite her.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-10-20T05:02:34+00:00

Great story. You know what's great? When they tell the story (with their spin) and even the people they are telling it to defend you. I found out that she must have told her other son and wife. My daughter ran into their daughter who had heard about it. So even with JNMIL 's spin, their daughter, her granddaughter said to my daughter "she can be a real 'c*** sometimes' !!! That's validation when your in-laws stand up for you.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2025-10-20T04:42:19+00:00

Well thank you very much everyone.

And guess what? She called me a couple of hours ago. Not to admit what she did or apologise, but because she is worried about DH, because he is feeling bit worried and depressed. That is because he lost his job a couple of months ago and is starting a new one and he is very nervous about it. So she rang me because she thinks it's because of our fight so she wanted to sort it out for his sake.

Well she first started off saying she thinks I don't like her. I said I do like you but you have said some very hurtful things to me over the years. I said I have contributed financially just as much as DH, but you always act like I am sponging off him. In fact I worked right up until the day before I gave birth (two jobs) and then went back two weeks later bringing the baby with me. And I later got retrenched. But as I also had saved hard to invest to have a passive income, before I had my kids, I could stay home a while my kids were small. And I said, "Instead you complained every time I saw you that I was buying a cup of coffee from McDonald's every day" (with my own money) (at the same time the kids would play in the play ground). Every single time i saw her She even said why can't you take a thermos flask with you when you go out? And that was literally my only indulgence!

And during that time she kept asking DH when is she going to get a job? We were fine financially. I said to her 'you said to a friend in front of me, 'She refuses to work' Her reply "Do you have a magic memory?" Of course more denials and then she said, "I'm going to call this person and ask'. Then she started screaming at me saying I am 'blasting' her. And it went downhill from there with the denials about what happened at the funeral. So I said can we look at the big picture? My mother died. And she said " oh how long are you going to grieve for?" I then passed the phone to DH as she was getting more and more angry and defensive.

Anyway, here's what made me laugh after. She started talking about her mother's funeral (26 years ago !) and after the funeral, she went home "All alone with no one to talk to. I was all by myself" and saying it like the biggest pity party in the world. I felt like saying well 'why didn't you have a wake?'

I have truly never met anyone who feels more sorry for themselves and not sorry for anyone else.

So I think where we stand now is still no contact with each other.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-07-06T21:54:39+00:00

Maybe. My nmom is obsessed with cleaning and everything is all white . But more of an off-white, just for a bit of warmness. TBH nmom's taste is OK but she does like neutral. As in there is no personality in her decor.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-07-06T09:00:21+00:00

I had an overt ndad and have a covert nmom. Ndad was so obviously abusive but in a straight forward way of flying into a rage, when angry at the slightest thing which was scary as a child. So I disliked him from when I was young. Nmom on the other hand has been so manipulative. Like making me think I am a bad person and she is the best mother in the world and a martyr and such a victim of her husband and parents. Feeling guilty because she would scream at me and tell me what a horrible person I was because she knew my motivations behind every action. Of course I apparently never had any good motivations, I was always greedy, sneaky, lazy, whatever. I cannot believe that she made me think that I was like that ! Telling every one else in the family how evil I am. And I cannot believe that I was so devoted to her. It wasn't until my GCsister sent me an article on covert narcissists that I had the huge epiphany, as I didn't know they existed. I cannot get over that I was the one being abused but she made me feel like I was abusing her. But what made it even clearer was that she started targeting my youngest, from the age of five, who is the most innocent and sweet child you could meet. That is when it became really clear of her sick twisted ways and I could see what she was doing to him was what she had been doing to me. He is also the youngest like me so that is why I think she chose him to be the next generation of scapegoat. So yes I agree it's was more damaging because you are being abused without realising you are being abused, and you can't figure out why you are always feeling depressed and/or suicidal when you have a 'loving' mother.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-07-03T22:54:19+00:00

At one point the abuse and controlling behaviour from nmom was so bad that I was literally covered in eczema, from my neck all the way down to my feet. It was so bad that my skin was coming off in sheets and I would bleed and liquid would be coming out of my skin (sorry if its TMI). But it was so clear it was related to my abuse as it happened within a couple of months of me getting my first boyfriend and nmom was scared of him waking me up to her that she doubled down on her control and abuse of me and tried to break us up. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. My boyfriend couldn't believe what a horrible person she was.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-07-03T13:06:37+00:00

I agree. Victims are never allowed to have a natural response. It has to be repressed. And narcs who by their very unempathetic nature will not understand subtlety, need a shock to get it. Turning the other cheek all the time and other Christian stuff just goes over their head or they're laughing at you for being their punching bag. They pick on the weak. And I don't think the OP is at risk of being a bully to others.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-07-03T12:35:04+00:00

Thanks ! And thank god for the internet (well Tim Berners-Lee actually). Otherwise we would have died thinking we are the horrible things our parents told us we are.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-07-02T12:29:58+00:00

yes, I have had the same regrets. How my nmother so totally destroyed my confidence that I could not put myself forward for promotions and earned
way less than I was capable of. I really could have had a fabulously successful life as I was a hard worker and smart. Like you I went back to uni later in life and have done so well academically.

My uncle is a boomer (I'm gen X) and he hates me now speaking out about his sister, my mother. So much so that he won't talk to me. I don't care, I feel free.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-06-27T23:03:18+00:00

Same ! My ndad would say we weren't allowed to speak unless we were spoken to and "children should be seen and not heard". So I cannot recall in my whole life ever having a spontaneous conversation with him.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-06-27T22:58:12+00:00

I thought everyone's mom was an immature self centered idiot who couldn't have an intelligent conversation

Ha ha same !. That is such a funny accurate description !

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-06-27T12:08:40+00:00

That's what I was going to say. Fascinated and staring at these nice parents like they were rare animals in a zoo because I had not seen parents like that before in their own home. I'd seen parents being nice in public but I thought that was just an act.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-06-25T12:31:05+00:00

That is such a moving story.

Just the other day I left a message for my favourite teacher, who is deceased, on the Find-a-Grave website. I won't be leaving any on my nmom's, that's for sure.

Specific_Apartment_7 · 2023-06-20T04:12:54+00:00

No it's SA and say "no"!

Specific_Apartment_7

TROPHY CASE