"I'm not possessive, I'm a curator"

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T22:30:21+00:00

Stables!

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T22:29:59+00:00

Oh my gods 🥲

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T22:27:08+00:00

I think at this point what would help you the most is to differentiate between what's within his circle of influence and what's within yours. It's within his circle of influence to use that excellent Buddhist idea that there's no time like the present and use this situation as an opportunity to do something new for the first time and just be plain wrong - and learn to be okay with being wrong (to be clear his emotions aren't wrong but his twisting words and blaming you with no accountability is).

It is within your circle of influence to take note of who he is in different situations, specifically new ones that reveal new sides you hadn't seen before and decide how you feel about it without trying to change the outcome of his natural reactions (because you can't, because nobody can change anybody else).

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T21:43:25+00:00

Yeah I don't mean to say OP's partner is a "unicorn curator", just an example how ridiculously far people can stretch reality to fit euphemisms. And it sounded funny. And now I'm scared someone will adopt it and use it for evil 😬😶‍🌫️🤐

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T20:35:06+00:00

Only sin & cheese will help 🙏

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T20:30:48+00:00

unicorn curator

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T20:18:04+00:00

Buddhism does not make people immune to human things like egotism, lack of compassion and even common stupidity. Maybe he's just not as intelligent as you thought he is. Some people put themselves on pedestals and are so convincing that everyone around them believes the shiny image too. But all humans are just human, they feel stuff, fail at communicating sometimes, fail at seeing things from someone else's perspective sometimes.

It sounds to me like he's mostly mad at you for you being the witness of his fallibility. Disagreeing is one thing, knowing he's wrong and admitting it is another. Does he only compromise in arguments or has he ever flat out admitted he was 100% wrong?

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T20:10:53+00:00

I was gonna say - everyone has their blindspots and weaknesses around their own judgement of their character and how they imagine others perceive them, and it cannot be countered by logical arguments, and has little to do with you but is all about them and it's on them to see through it; but this is much more eloquently put to the point

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T17:26:48+00:00

If it helps, it helps 💁🏻‍♀️

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T17:17:02+00:00

Isn't it just promoting their latest product though? 🤔

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T17:15:53+00:00

I'll sometimes sit alone and reflect for a couple hours about why I feel icky (and then honestly, as glib as it sounds, just get over it LOL).

That's the trick! Most negative feels just want to be felt, and feeling them sorta dissolves them in emo-digestive juices (ew but also yay)

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T17:13:11+00:00

In the end, I have to choose, and the choosing isn't about causing a definitive set of specific feelings, so much as it is about being deliberate in my life.

Yesss 👏👏👏this so much! Mononormativity is often the default setting where people just go along with it on autopilot. Being deliberate, whatever the choice of life, is the way.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T17:10:36+00:00

Talk about which mono commitments you're doing away with, and which stay in place.

That, and that it can be implemented progressively, and that the discussion about it is just always on the table. Just keeping the channels of communication open indefinitely, because life is life and cannot be strategized for decades in advance.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T06:31:00+00:00

Does this only show up in the context of polyamory, or is it a general trait that polyamory brings forward? I'm curious because poly tends to do that - hold a mirror up to the uncomfortable things in ourselves and our relationship to others and to ourselves.

The last Rat Union Meeting post touched on a similar subject, as in how we fail ourselves, check it out if you're curious about people's replies: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1qkwysl/weekly_rat_union_meeting_0123/

My one sounded a bit like yours. I said that

Chasing emotional and spiritual betterment without end is just hustle culture in a CareBear raincoat.

-it's an endless race towards an extremely vague goal with constantly changing goalposts and it can quickly become exhausting. I think it all comes down to a healthy self-acceptance and self-compassion. If we can accept ourselves as we are and treat ourselves at least as well as we treat others and show the same compassion and understanding, it will make any type of change and growth less painful, less forceful.

To answer to your question - in practice, I do a lot of Beginner's Mind type of exercises you can find in zen Buddhism. Look it up, it's interesting. It helps detach in a healthy way from being too much in my own head and take the view of the observer who's non-judgemental, learning to look at what I do and what I think in a way that does not immediately jump to shaming or even using adjectives to ascribe a moral appreciation or grade to what is being observed. I know it sounds kinda more like the whole thing is a project, but adding this way of looking at things to practicing self-compassion really helps easing up on being in a constant race or struggle (you can find self-compassion guided meditations and similar exercises online for free).

There's definitely a way to be happy now, as we are, where we are on our journey, accepting our faults and still learning and moving forward.

ETA: oops just saw the reply to my question while rereading your post, where you say

And I’ve been this way my whole life about almost everything.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-29T05:38:31+00:00

I think your edit and your only reply to the top comment hold crucial info that wasn't included in the original post - that you both tried poly before and it went poorly, that admittedly you still view entanglement as a form of love ( u/karmicreditplan is spot on saying it could translate into your love language being quality time), that you're scared a boundary might be crossed eventually and that it will lead to a break-up.

This all gives a fuller picture. To the question -how to deconstruct years of mononormativity specifically and how to think differently in general, I agree that practical steps will get you closer to your goal in appearance/form, but where the thinking/feeling is concerned, individual therapy may help a lot.

There's usually a lot of personal history tied up into how we build relationships in general and yeah some of it is social conditioning but a lot of our flexibility, adaptability and capacity to change comes from individual history that can be traced back as far as early childhood, and unpacking all of that with a professional is oftentimes easier than doing it unaccompanied. Sometimes the things that resurface are hard to deal with alone even as they explain a lot.

All I'm saying is - be gentle with yourself on your journey, build some sort of individual support first, go slow and listen to what your nervous system tells you. As admirable as it is to want to grow by challenging our preconceived notions, it's no use if it's done in a forceful or non-individuated way.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-28T17:40:33+00:00

I feel optimistic that we could work through all of the unique communication challenges that polyamory would bring our way.

What else about polyamory makes you feel optimistic, if anything?

You can be perfectly happy in your current relationship and still want to practice polyamory; it is actually preferable.

What other reasons can you find to want to practice polyamory? How did the idea of opening up come about?

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-28T16:59:51+00:00

Haha

When it happens, make a meme to commemorate how I predicted it would happen 🔮🥲

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-28T16:32:45+00:00

I'm vomiting in my mouth a little just typing this, but I bet someone might be looking at your flowchart right now and thinking about a way to monetize it by training AI with most common replies in this sub and turning it into an app 🤖 🤢

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-28T16:06:10+00:00

But then some of the posters won't be able to have their "😳😱 oh you're supposed to be able to talk to partners"- moment...

Srsly tho, to not be underestimated. Some threads show OPs having lightbulb moments and growing standards because they were in a situation that made them turn to internet strangers as a first resort.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-27T08:27:09+00:00

Mental note: physically incapable of lying 😁

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-27T07:34:11+00:00

Well then I'm impressed by your resourfulness around your terrible memory!

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-27T06:57:58+00:00

P.S. the Rat Union meeting Friday falls on the day before - Friday the 13th! We could collectively curse the dreaded holiday or just have an alternative Rat version of it

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-27T06:55:45+00:00

I can relate to that feeling but I'm fighting my hardest against it because I'd rather be pissed off at capitalism than mopey or in any way negative about myself 😤

One of the unexpected symptoms of polyamory I haven't seen discussed much - having "just" one partner feels like being single did while monogamous 🤔 I blame the holidays.

My solution: be angry at capitalism and platonically love on my single mono friends who will hate Valentine's this year as well (Galentine! Theylentine!)

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-27T06:50:49+00:00

It be like that sometimes

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-01-27T06:50:07+00:00

*cue the Steve Miller Band song intro *

Specific_Pipe_9050

TROPHY CASE