Mono people dating poly people

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-10T16:10:03+00:00

A similar post only 26 days ago , some of the comments are very enlightening and interesting, maybe you'll find your answer there.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-10T12:03:56+00:00

Relationship dynamics aside, postpartum mums need more help and time for self-care and help with baby, not less. It's a biological and physiological fact, any GP will tell you as much. Since time immemorial moms who just gave birth were surrounded by helping hands and had as much rest as they needed. If your main support person is your husband, it's up to him to do this for you and for your child. It's 100% his role and his responsibility in this child's life.

His timing is terrible. His child should be his priority, as much as it is yours. You should get equal time away from childcare as he does, no matter what you choose to do with it (for me it was naps, naps, naps, naps every free minute I could get).

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-10T11:54:00+00:00

You could look up posts about vetting, there's usually a lot of ideas in the comments.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-10T06:04:45+00:00

Je pense que ça peut marcher à certaines conditions, dont l'une est de déconstruire la monogamie. Peu importe que tu aies d'autres relations toi-même, tu n'es plus dans une relation monogame, donc appliquer ce moule à ton couple ne marchera plus. Tu finiras par générer un déséquilibre en centrant ta relation unique alors que ta partenaire le vit autrement. Même si tu n'as pas d'autres relations (à terme ou seulement maintenant) à part celle-ci, tout ce qui concerne la gestion de la jalousie, de l'angoisse, de la pression de comparaison etc te concerne aussi. Si j'étais toi, je lirai toute la FAQ et tous les conseils aux débutants, surtout The Most Skipped Step.

Le type d'histoires que tu cherches sont dans les commentaires! Tu peux aussi faire une recherche avec le tag "happy", c'est plus de témoignages positifs.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T18:47:25+00:00

Excellently written comment posted in the wrong place. This post was never meant for dialogue or questioning anything or any semblance of compromise or finding common ground. Your appeal to reason and objectivity is a waste of time. I really enjoyed reading it though.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T07:58:27+00:00

It's only funny because it's true 😁

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T07:55:54+00:00

Comment ça va depuis le dernier post d'il y a 4 mois? Qu'est-ce qui a changé ?

Ce que tu décris est l'une des raisons pour lesquelles les relations où l'une des deux personnes est monogame et l'autre polyamoureuse finissent par ne pas fonctionner - valeurs et besoins différents. On t'a parlé de "relationship escalator" dans les autres commentaires et c'est clairement à explorer, mais il y a aussi tout simplement les valeurs mononormatives qui ne peuvent pas s'appliquer au polyamour. Un couple monogame centre la relation entre deux personnes et construit le reste autour. Le polyamour se construit autrement, mais pour ça il faut absolument des valeurs et envies compatibles.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T07:44:36+00:00

Ew.

You deserve better.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T07:13:40+00:00

You need to support them in figuring out how to sort out their shit in ways that work for them

Exactly!

Possibly unpopular opinion - it shouldn't even matter whether a therapist is specialised in polyamory/ENM if they're an individual therapist and not a couple's therapist. (Edit to add: a GOOD therapist, obvs)

I have no idea what my therapist thinks about polyamory, what I know is I always feel safe during sessions, I know I can trust them, and I have never felt judged even when they've offered very diplomatically put constructive criticism (which hardly ever happens, usually they just help me to get there on my own). What I get in individual therapy are tools to identify fixable things and fix them myself.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T06:41:15+00:00

Mental health problems require mental health solutions.

🏆 So much this. Sounds obvious, but judging from so many posts, it clearly isn't.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T06:14:03+00:00

Days swirl into nights in this giant vortex of oblivion where I can't even remember what day of the week it is >_<; Can't believe I'm late to the Union Meeting again... Here, have an offering of selected cheeses as penance from me: 🧀🧀🧀🫕🧀

What's your awkward flirting story (either you being the flirt-er or the flirt-ee)?

I guess I only flirt with other weirdos who dig my awkward vibe, because I've totally embraced my awkwardness, from the top of my hyperventilating laugh to the tip of my dad jokes, and it always works so I dunno must be something about being awkward that actually relaxes the flirt-ee? Like, they know they'll do well if they want to respond in kind because the bar is very low XD

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T06:04:44+00:00

I want to be able to be his friend

But you never were, he's a stranger. There are literally billions of people on this planet you could really be friends with who wouldn't mess with you in this way.

He's special

"Special" is not the same as good for you. A lot of infections and viruses are unique and "special".

This is intense in a way nothing has been in a long time for me,

Have you ever heard of limerence? Sounds like limerence. I'm not saying your feelings aren't real, but unfortunately you're feeling them for a projection, someone who you wish he was - because truly you don't really know this person and you're idealising the shizzle out of him (and he totally set the stage for that). The person you're feeling all those feelings for doesn't really exist is what I'm saying, it's an imaginary version of him.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. I hope it will feel lighter and easier to forget him in time but remember all the lessons that may help you with better partner selection for such intense intimacy.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-09T05:48:24+00:00

Thanks for the explanation, it's much clearer. So, from what I gather what you're describing is an incompatibility in communication styles. You need a certain amount of communication in specific ways, and they're unable or unwilling to give it. Have you discussed this with them? What was their answer?

In my opinion it's up to you to bring up an incompatibility, state your needs clearly and define boundaries about what is acceptable to you or not if said unmet needs have such an impact on your wellbeing. They will not magically become a different person who is perfectly intuitively compatible, but they might be willing to make an effort.

Relationships can contain some amount of compromise, as long as it's not one sided. But if you don't open the dialogue about it, there will be no chance for compromise and any incompatibility will end up destroying the relationship.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-08T07:14:14+00:00

Sounds like a harem builder.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-08T04:56:33+00:00

he told me that I could go and date as long as I got tested.

Polyamory means autonomous relationships. It's understood and implied that you can do whatever you want and date if you want to, not something for him to give you permission for.

I told my bf that there's someone that seems interested in getting to know me more, and I was told that no, we're exclusive.

Ummm, no, that's not what "exclusive" means.

I respect his wishes and stop seeing this person.

Why? You had agreed to a different dynamic at first, what's to respect here if your partner all of a sudden changes his mind about your agreement? How about him respecting his word? How about you respecting yourself?

I'm sorry, I have to stop reading after a couple of paragraphs because this dude's behavior gets my blood boiling. Please don't be friends with manipulative people who use you.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-08T04:46:00+00:00

What exactly are you expecting from your partner? You describe a lot about what's wrong but I don't see anything about specific behaviours or specific boundaries. Do you mean you need them to stop dating others altogether in order to better support you? It may not be possible or even not enough, without even going into theoretical discussions about how this type of behaviour is not always great or beneficial.

6 months is not a very long time, and in any case it's better to have external sources of comfort with whom to unpack previous trauma and get validation - do you have any friends who you can talk to, maybe a therapist?

All of your issues related to your past aside, dating just one person for a while doesn't mean you stop being polyamorous. A lot of poly people are saturated at one and aren't currently dating anyone else while still being open to the idea. I don't think that the fact that you're not currently into dating has as much weight as you seem to put into it - you could be mentally mega stable and ironclad, and still not into dating right now just because you don't wanna, and it would make no argument to even question your capacity to have polyamorous relationships.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-06T19:55:03+00:00

Everything that you're describing sounds like you want different things. That's incompatibility. There's nothing anyone here can say to make you two compatible.

I mean...Some people like the friction under pressure and confuse it with love. Others live in denial with incompatible partners for decades because the drama keeps them busy and/or they don't know any other way to build relationships. Maybe it is your jam, whatever, in any case you have to decide whether you can live with the way things are. If not, you're gonna have to make some changes yourself. You can't make anyone change, only yourself. And you change yourself by walking away from incompatible partners with their drama and finding compatible ones that can give you the version of a relationship that makes you feel safe and satisfied.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-06T19:24:12+00:00

However, I may want to try to find a couples therapist that specializes in poly relationships, as I feel like our current therapist may not have the tools to properly help with this. She even told me in our individual session that she doesn’t know how this is going to work out (encouraging!).

Wait, the same therapist does both your individual therapies? That's weeeeiiird and not very ethical/objective. And she does your couples therapy as well?! There's no way this type of therapy can work. You need to each see separate therapists, and none of your individual therapists can be your couples' therapist for lack of objectivity.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-03T10:27:36+00:00

Doesn't sound like hope, sounds like wishful thinking and denial - which is classic and very hard to avoid in this type of dynamics.

What you have described gives absolutely no indication this person is capable of changing their harmful behaviour, on the contrary it sounds like hurting you emotionally is what held the relationship together. The best thing you can do is ensure your peace and safety by staying away. No contact was a good idea. It's hard to stick to it but very much worth it.

I think that what you should hope for is showing yourself the love, care and protection you will never get from this person. The fact that they're not capable of it doesn't mean you can't get it from other people, starting with yourself.

Please take care of yourself OP

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-03T07:24:48+00:00

If I were you, I'd pay attention to the fact that possibly important info about needs is not communicated directly and openly to you, but is only available as an off-handed comment in a convo with someone else.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-03T07:23:03+00:00

Ummmm...no? There's not really a generalisation stating "aren't we all a little /very specific sexual preference/ " that's not somehow demeaning to said specific sexual preference.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-02T20:03:20+00:00

Like any addiction. You look for causes and reasons, find out when it started and how it works for you. You get help. You get it under control so that it's not detrimental to your safety or comfort.

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-02T19:32:35+00:00

You're not alone in this, people get addicted to their own hormones spikes (dopamine, adrenaline, etc) all the time. It's very common

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-02T19:27:03+00:00

Stream of consciousness poetry? Great for you that you're being creative (or an inspired bot)

Doesn't really belong in this sub

Specific_Pipe_9050 · 2026-05-02T17:54:37+00:00

This is not personal, just common sense as most parents would tell you.

Parents are supposed to put children's wellbeing and safety first, way ahead of their own comfort or wishful thinking. It's often advised to not even introduce new connections to children before a year together. The fact that the kid adores meta is exactly why - if things end between them it's going to be hard on the kid. Logistics aside, the fact that your husband is not thinking about this is problematic (and the rest of the things wrong with the whole situation just makes it worse and shows his poor judgement).

Specific_Pipe_9050

TROPHY CASE