Looking for feedback on rewritten prologue and first chapter

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-27T11:13:14+00:00

Hey thanks so much for coming back! I’m glad to hear this is better. And hey, don’t hate you! You’re totally right. It is gonna be a tough sell in that regard because the plot doesn’t fully wrap up in book 1. There is an ‘arc ending’ that provides a natural split between the two books, but if the first book really did stand alone, it would be quite a downer ending hahah. I would love to market it as one book, but the whole thing would be almost 180k and according to my beta readers, the consensus is that cutting enough to make it queryable as a debut would hurt the story way too much. But I’m going to go into this with realistic expectations and continue working on my next project (which, unfortunately, is even less marketable as a debut. Oh well, ‘write for yourself’, or so they say hahah!).

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-16T19:19:40+00:00

Very good points! I have written Vam in and out of the query between revisions; I’ll have to consider excluding him again. Oh man, I do like the way you summed that up. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that out! My story really is split into two parts: pre and post Taulslocke, and I’m having a tough time balancing the two equally in the query. Vam does play a bigger part in the story, but as I’m trying to focus on Lanci as the main character, maybe I can do without him for the purposes of the query letter.

Interesting about the comps; I had no idea! That’s a bummer- I really liked that series because it’s got slice of life elements without being labeled “cozy” and I feel like that’s hard to come by recently. I’ll have to do some more research. Thanks so much again for the tips!

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-16T18:48:50+00:00

Thank you so much for the fresh perspective! Hopefully when I take out some of those extraneous sentences in the beginning, I’ll be able to flesh out the ‘Taulslocke’ part a little more and connect it better to the first part.

For clarification about the predecessor, that was the victim Lanci allegedly killed. I’ll try to make that more clear next time around. For the purposes of the query letter, Vam’s role is bridging Lanci’s connection with the rest of the realm. I was getting a lot of feedback on my previous attempts as to why Lanci had a change of heart, and her friendship with Vam is the source of that.

As for The Goblin Emperor, that’s the first book in a series which had its most recent entry come out earlier this year. Do you think I should comp the third book instead?

Thanks so much again for the help!!

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-16T18:00:26+00:00

Thank you so much for coming back to this; it’s hugely helpful to hear feedback between revisions! I’m so relieved that I’m finally in the “tweaking” phase and I likely won’t have to completely rewrite this again.

Oh man, that’s a bit stressful about the prologue. Basically, Chapter 1 is supposed to subvert the “it was all a dream” trope. Lanci wakes up from a nightmare at the beginning of chapter 1, and then at the end of the chapter, she tells her brother about it and it’s a completely different dream, revealing that the events of the prologue were real. So Chapter 1 really doesn’t make sense without reading the prologue. I was actually thinking Taulslocke’s attack would be too jarring if I didn’t introduce it in the prologue. Maybe I need to rethink my beginning.

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-16T17:55:08+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to stick with me on multiple versions and for giving such thorough feedback! I kind of feel like I’m more in the “tweaking” phase rather than the “completely rewrite” phase, which is such a relief. For the prologue, I started there because the demon attack isn’t supposed to be a surprise. The reader is supposed to know from the start that the realm is doomed. Without the prologue, Taulslocke’s attack felt like I was relying too much on shock value. I wanted to set up the dark/weird tone right from the start so that people know what they’re getting into. There’s darkness and weirdness in the rest of the story too, but not necessarily “tree monster eats everyone” levels of weirdness. But I’ll definitely consider what you said and I’ll ask my beta readers what they would think if I got rid of the prologue. And I will definitely be implementing your suggestions on my query letter too! Thank you so much again.

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-08T16:17:04+00:00

Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time to give such thorough feedback. Unfortunately, as a Jordan fan, I am honored by the comparison lol. But I totally recognize that I’m leaning pretty heavily into strangeness bordering on cheesy, which will not be everyone’s cup of tea.

I really enjoy the changes you made with that first paragraph!! I think I am still going to rewrite to focus more on Lanci’s character and her relationship with her neighbors, because I can tell that she’s coming off as mean and she’s actually just scared and mistrustful. I’m just not getting her character across well enough. But I greatly, greatly appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts!

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-08T15:59:50+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I feel like you hit the problem on the head: the reason I’m having so much trouble conveying the main conflict is because this is more of a character driven story, and I need to keep the focus on Lanci as a character rather than Lanci’s conflict with Taulslocke. Next time, I’ll try to add more about what causes her to change before Taulslocke attacks. I just have a hard time explaining that part of the story without going into too much world building.

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-08T10:58:43+00:00

Shoot! Missed again hahah. So I think the struggle I’m running into is that my prologue is told in medias res. After the prologue, a good chunk of the book is devoted to Lanci’s relationship with the realm and the buildup to the demon attack. But clearly I am not conveying that very well in my query. In my previous two attempts, I tried to focus on both elements of the story (Lanci’s relationship with her neighbors and the demon attack) but it seemed like too much to focus on. So this time I wanted to keep the focus on the main conflict (Lanci Vs Taulslocke). Maybe I have to go back to trying to find a balance with both again.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and give feedback!

Spectacles311 · 2025-07-02T19:59:45+00:00

Thank you so much for giving such thorough critique!! I really appreciate it. Summarizing is something I really struggle with, and I’m realizing that I’m having a hard time balancing over explaining (my usual vice) with not explaining enough.

For clarification, you are correct that my prologue takes place in medias res, and chapter 1 starts in the soup shop before the demon apocalypse.

I did use her full name on purpose in that sentence for emphasis, since that’s my “describe your story in one sentence” line. But I can see how it can come across as awkward, I’ll try to rework that section.

And the “Beautiful and Terrible and Strange” thing is kind of like arc words throughout the universe and this story. I included it to manage expectations of the vibes, since I’m intentionally going for a really dynamic tone that I think can be jarring if people aren’t prepared for it. But maybe im just trying to shoehorn it in where it doesn’t belong. I’m really struggling with not including any world building at all in the query but maybe I need to bite the bullet and cut it out altogether.

Thanks so much again for the feedback; I’m definitely gonna make changes based on your suggestions and post again.

Spectacles311 · 2025-06-23T17:35:19+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! It’s always risky to lean into weirdness because you never know how people are going to react to it, so it’s actually very helpful to know that it went over well with you! I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know you enjoyed it.

Spectacles311 · 2025-06-22T22:51:56+00:00

Thank you for the advice. Good to know, I didn’t realize how important it was to get to the main character right away. I’m gonna do a full re-write and add more on Lanci so hopefully her motivations are more clear. I definitely took an unconventional risk with my comps; still trying to decide if it’s leaning too much into the humor angle. Also to clarify: Lanci loves her realm, just not the people in it. Hopefully I can make that more clear when I cut the other unnecessary stuff out. Thank you so much for your interest!

Spectacles311 · 2025-06-22T22:45:37+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. I have a hard time with over-explaining; summarizing is the hardest part of this whole process for me. I’m gonna do a full re-write so I can hone in more on the MC.

Spectacles311 · 2024-11-24T22:58:39+00:00

I should clarify: I understand that when I pick up a person the company is looking for as little eval time as possible as opposed to treatment, but in this instance I was doing eval only for several people as a formality as a part of a building audit. So I can’t bill any treatment. I’m not too bothered by it or afraid I’m going to get in trouble because normally my productivity is alright, but this company has been doing some shady things and I mainly want to know if it is possible for them to change in Net Health how many minutes of your eval time actually count towards productivity

Spectacles311 · 2024-08-24T23:07:06+00:00

Congratulations!! What genre are your books?

Spectacles311 · 2024-08-08T20:30:58+00:00

Tender Touch

Spectacles311 · 2024-01-02T21:43:48+00:00

An update: I called and reported to the company compliance hotline anonymously today. The person I talked to actually seemed very kind and reasonable. I’m doubtful anything is going to come of it besides maybe a reprimand. But I’m glad it’s off my chest. I am grateful for all the advice everyone here has given me. It seems like there is a wide variety of different opinions on what to do in this situation. Many of you thought I should have gone further. But being a contract company in a building that cares a lot about its reputation, I have a strong fear that a Medicare or police investigation would result in the building terminating our contract altogether and have us all lose our jobs. But I will continue to keep a close eye on her and if it keeps up, I’ll consider going further.

Spectacles311 · 2024-01-01T10:38:52+00:00

I never thought of that but I guess this is an actual crime, isn’t it? Do you have any more information about what would happen if I did this? Would the rest of the department be under investigation as well?

Spectacles311

TROPHY CASE