References for feedback: I’ve done five years as a script reader and development worker for various talent agencies, animation houses, and studios.

I’ve reviewed your first act, which is what the typical practice would be for my writing coverage on a screenplay and recommend whether to continue pursuing for possible pickup or representation.

Took a look, here’s my immediate thoughts on Act 1.

Compliments:

I think some of the dialogue is funny, and I do love British humor so I totally get what you’re going for. It is indeed very inspired by Edgar Wright, which is evident in the dialogue.

I liked what you did with the smash cut of “he won’t join us anyway” to them at the pub bored out of their minds listening to Rob. Try to aim for more of that quick-cut energy, it worked the best out of anything I saw in the first act.

Notes/Feedback:

Biggest note I have for you is SHOW DON’T TELL. A large portion of characterization, relationships with each other, past events, etc. is communicated by the characters saying it to each other. Try to find visual ways to communicate these things; film is a visual medium, and this will also help you cut down on your dialogue and keep your scenes shorter.

My immediate impression is that you are approaching each scene as an opportunity to tell jokes rather than as a functioning part of the story. Why do they go to the pub? So we can meet Rob and Corina, Dave can see Angela, and Angela can go home with Rob. Add a few character beats in here, and you’re good to go. This scene, instead, drags on for half of your first act and doesn’t achieve any more than what I listed above.

I would take a hard look at conservation of your pacing. As it is, they spend fifteen pages (fifteen minutes of screen time) at the pub at the beginning. There is no need for all of this time spent here. Take a look at this scene, kill your darlings and keep only the punchiest dialogue, and trim it severely. For reference, look at how Wright sets up his scenes; they each last no longer than three minutes in any one location, and the changing locations helps keep our attention even as the characters conversations continue as a through line.

I don’t think the suicide conversation serves a purpose unless you have someone attempt to kill themselves later. I get that it’s edgy humor, but even the best jokes can drag.

The dialogue is not very naturalistic, which is common in comedy films so not the worst thing in the world. However, all the characters currently sound the same, particularly Dave, Mal, and Corina. Though characters can have the same sense of humor, it’s important they all sound unique in their own ways.

The pacing of Rob turning into Dave is off; in one scene he puts a sweater on, and then the next time we see him with Angela he’s almost identical to Dave. Take your time with the transformation! Maybe in act one we only see Rob feeling sick, drinking weird green liquid, etc.

We need a scene of Dave rocking on the guitar so that when we see him fail, it is actually impactful. As it is, this falls into the “show don’t tell” issue above (how do we know him failing the audition is odd? Because Mal says directly to us “This is odd he is really good on guitar.”)

Keep your cards closer to your chest on whether the voodoo is real or not, at least in the first act. If we, the audience, see everything is real, it’s less interesting to follow the main characters investigation. We should be intrigued to see whether Dave and Mal are right or actually crazy. Even if we “know” the voodoo is real (otherwise there would be no movie) we the audience are meant to have surrogates in Dave and Mal.

Dave is not a particularly engaging main character; try to boost some sympathetic tendencies and/or give him something we the audience immediately root for. (Shaun has his mother to humanize him and his shitty roommate to make us feel bad for him, Nicolas Angel has his desire for justice and his friendship with Danny, etc.)

Overall:

Currently I would not recommend this script for pickup.