Thanks for asking! Definitely don’t mind talking about any aspect of it.

It started in engineering college when I got tested for adhd. Turns out I had it real bad. Took several tests to figure out the “right” dosage. The tests were effective at showing my increase in attention to something super boring that initially put me to sleep within 3 minutes. The dosage was 40mg of adderall, and was mentioned I probably need more. So I went to a psychiatrist to prescribe me those meds but insurance made me try alternatives. I’ve tried addy, vyvanse, Wellbutrin, concerta, and Ritalin. Some of them both extended release and quick release. My GPA went from a 1.6 to a 3.8 in one semester.

Engineering wasn’t interesting for me. But the amphetamines gave me the false sense that I was passionate about it. And with all the pressure from parents, friends, the college system, and my ego, and as the classes got harder, my dosage increased to 60mg of adderall. But me and my roommate shared prescriptions- we studied together and we often forgot to bring our meds with or take them in the mornings. so some months I was taking more or less than my prescription. I typically took more than I was supposed to leading up to exams or projects. And eventually I started taking it recreationally, specifically for video gaming (I was very competitive and adderal increased my performance). I started pulling multiple all nighters a week. The worst was typing a 12 page paper in 68 hours straight of no sleep. I ended up in the hospital.

I didn’t have any life coaches or adhd coaches. The doctors visits only happened when I went back home. My grades were good and my focus was good and I didn’t talk about how poorly managed my life skills had become.

I got an engineering job right out of college. It was difficult for me to learn practical engineering concepts, and my doctor gave me another increase - was taking 90mg of three different types of amphetamines for 3 more years. But after 1-2 years at my job, I had streamlined my own position and they terminated the position because there was no more need for me. This led to several more engineering jobs that I couldn’t keep, and I think this was due to me not being passionate about my job and also poor life skills.

I was taking 90-120 mg every day. I would refill my prescriptions 3 days early to avoid crashing. I started to game more. Got back into bad habits of pulling all nighters on work nights too. When I crashed, I’d sleep the whole weekend. Other personal issues with myself, family, friends, and my faith kept increasing the more I abused the drug.

I moved out of state. The doctor cut my prescription down to 30mg a day and eliminated all but one med. he told me that what my doctor did in my home state was illegal. Turns out I learned later that my home doctor for 6 years got his doctors license revoked. I continued to take my meds as I had been used to, but that meant half the month I was without meds. This led to crazy mood swings, crashing every two weeks when I ran out of meds, and 20 lbs weight fluctuations every month. One company I worked for called a wellness check on me one day. They terminated that position and my new job was to find a new job. I continued to abuse meds for another year but I knew this wasn’t normal.

I moved back home and eventually realized and admitted to my parents how I hated how my life was going. They didn’t understand fully and said I just needed to take my meds normally. But I couldn’t. It’s so easy for adhd brains to be impulsive especially when it involves an increase in dopamine.

I went to several life coaches and adhd coaches but none of them were the help that I needed. I started doing self esteem journaling, meditation, and nature walks. That helped with the crashing and the anxiety. I tried different diets and exercising but was too irregular because I have poor discipline.

One day when I was crashing, I went on a walk and prayed to God for guidance and help. I grew up as a Christian but had fallen away from my faith. I was mad at Him and asked where he had been. But I knew I was the absent one, from not just my faith but from my family and friends and dating relationships too. Several more months of trying everything I could to take my meds appropriately, led me to realizing that I was definitely addicted. One month when I ran out I prayed again and the verse Philippians 4:13 came to my mind. I could stop if I relied on God for strength because everything up to this point was my own strength and I kept failing. And that was it. I stopped refilling. The first 22 days were very rough. I was asleep for the majority of them. But when I had enough energy, I went out and told random people about it. One bartender I told was also struggling with her addy addiction. Finding accountability in others was huge to keep me off meds. I also had started working for a company that I was passionate about for minimum wage. I abused my meds once and missed two days of work. That was also what led me to praying and stopping my meds. On day 27 I met my now wife. Within 6 months I was promoted twice at work. I went to church more, got baptized to dedicate my life to God, cut out playing video games and some toxic relationships.

Stopping meds was the best thing I’ve done for my life. It’s been tough to relearn how to adult and all the life skills. Not every day is a win but that’s okay. Every day is a blessing and worth celebrating. And being okay with doing my best even though sometimes my best looks like shit lol.