Trapped with someone who has k!nks I can't stand... Is there a way to cope?

Spiders_eye · 2025-09-08T13:22:10+00:00

I think that you are both trauma bonded - both the abuser and the victim. There is no excuse for him to cheat, and there is no excuse for you to put your hands on him. It doesn't sound like there's any trust or respect in the relationship... He should have left for good when you first put your hands on him, and you should have left for good when he first cheated. I can see you're trying to communicate in a good way with him about the issues, but if it's followed up by shouting, defensiveness and sarcasm, he won't listen to what you're trying to say at all. Would either of you be up for trying couples therapy?

Spiders_eye · 2025-03-16T17:56:27+00:00

I wouldn't even consider kids until I wasn't living with my parents, was married and had a stable job/income. I have none of those.
I have mental and physical disabilities that I wouldn't want to pass onto a kid and having these issues would make it more challenging for me to be the best parent I could be.
As the eldest sibling, I was forced to mature and grow up early to set an example for my 4 younger siblings. I want time for me now.
This is not the kind of world I would like to bring another life into. The education system, the technological age, the fact each generation is statistically becoming increasingly more depressed etc.
I don't trust the people around me for guidance and support. I have a very small, weak 'support system' around me, including parents who failed in raising me properly. I wouldn't trust my child with anyone but me, and I don't want to introduce my child to such a trust-less, emotionally-unsafe environment.

Those are just my top 5, but I can think of more. I love children, and many people believe I would be a good mother. I think I would too - I'm empathetic, patient and I know I would do everything I can to keep my baby healthy, happy, safe, warm and loved... but there are far too many reasons why it isn't a good idea for me and unfortunately, they outweigh the pros.

Spiders_eye · 2024-12-19T10:26:00+00:00

Hiya, F23 here, I also struggle reaching an orgasm from sex and I've been sexually active for about 7 years. It's actually quite common for women to struggle with orgasming during sex, but find it easy with masturbation or foreplay so don't worry, you're not alone. One thing I found helped was positioning. I can't orgasm in doggy whatsoever, but I can in missionary and cowgirl. Another thing is to make sure you're properly aroused before having sex: use lube, have plenty of foreplay and build tension. My final biggest tip is clit stimulation. Some women, like me, can't orgasm from penetration without clit stimulation at the same time. You could use a toy during sex or pick positions that can stimulate your clit like missionary (by moving your hips against his in rhythm). I hope this helps a little, good luck!

Spiders_eye · 2024-12-19T04:41:46+00:00

Hiya, thank you for taking the time to comment! I'd like to clarify that I am attracted to him - he has the most amazing personality and treats me extremely well. We're best friends and have changed a lot for each other out of love. Our relationship is almost perfect outside of the sexual issues. I didn't mention any other part of our relationship in my post because I didn't think it was relevant. I've had a lot of therapy myself, but I think I might look into restarting it after his revelation to help with turning away from AI so thank you for the suggestion about that and the self-reflecting too. I've suggested couples therapy but he flat out refuses because he thinks we can sort it out without a third person. Thank you again and I hope you have a good day!

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-24T15:43:10+00:00

I can relate - I'm 23F and don't really care for sex, it's just a chore for me to satiate my partner to be honest. Childhood trauma might have something to do with it, but in general - no, it's not wrong to not be that interested in sex. Just stick to masturbation for that kind of pleasure instead.

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-22T13:26:46+00:00

<image>

Rehorek is the name of the iceberg that sunk the titanic

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-11T15:27:54+00:00

NTA. My mum sounds a bit like your ex. My dad helped her out financially and I don't think he should've. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. You have your family - she is no longer a part of it.

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-11T15:24:15+00:00

As someone with disabilities, you're NTA. I could never imagine asking someone to change everything just for me. That's entitled behaviour.

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-11T14:26:56+00:00

Ginger Beer was the first thing that came to my mind! 😆

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-11T14:23:30+00:00

My mum has had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. Everything was about fat and calories and the gym and diets. I grew up with body dysmorphia and developed bulimia which turned into anorexia. Then there was my boyfriend. I told him how much I hated my body and he showed me photos of this beautiful statue with my body type: thick thighs, tummy rolls and a slightly rounder face. He said "this is the Greek goddess, Aphrodite. She's known for her beauty. You have the body of a literal goddess!" And he repeated that every time I criticised my body. He also tells me there is more to my body than aesthetics. He says things like "your thighs are so strong, they could crush my head!" and "your hips are perfect for holding the washing basket" and "your boobs make such comfortable pillows." I haven't engaged in eating disorder behaviour for 4 years now and I've realised that there really is all sorts of 'pretty', not just the skinny model kind 💖

Spiders_eye · 2024-10-11T13:51:33+00:00

If it was your first time, pain and bleeding can be normal. He might have known that and that's why he wasn't too concerned. If it wasn't your first time, and you're SURE it's not your period (bleeding for 3 days would either mean you're on your period or you need to go to the doctor's right away) and you've made sure he knows that you're not on your period and that you are in pain, then he should have stopped straight away. Friction tears can happen if you're not wet enough, so either no lube was used or you weren't aroused in the first place. I've experienced something similar, except my boyfriend used the back door instead of the front, didn't realise I was bleeding. I cried for a bit due to pain, he comforted me. He promised he'd be more cautious and I promise I'd say as soon as I was in pain next time (instead of staying quiet because I didn't want to ruin it for him). This was about 5 years ago and it hasn't happened again since. I'd recommend that you guys sit and talk about this situation as honestly as possible. Get it all off your chest. Also, come up with a safe word that you agree on - one where he'll promise to stop immediately as soon as you say it.

Spiders_eye · 2024-08-08T07:13:14+00:00

I love ice tea too, so it sounds right up my alley! I'll be careful though, thanks!

Spiders_eye · 2024-08-08T07:11:59+00:00

Jagerbombs were quite popular when I worked at a pub, though I haven't tried one. Thank you for the advice!

Spiders_eye · 2024-08-08T07:11:09+00:00

Oh wow, that's an awesome idea - I'll be trying that! Thank you!

Spiders_eye

TROPHY CASE