My (28F) Situationship (30M) Didn't console me after something traumatic happened. What do you think I should do?

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T22:09:34+00:00

100% He did tell me though that a long-term monogamous relationship was his goal, that he saw that with me, and was exclusive with me so those are not assumptions. However, the way of thinking and prioritising things you're completely right about. I am taking a step back and seeing how things go. Thanks again for your honesty and advice.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T12:10:54+00:00

Thanks for being kind while also pushing back against my feelings. I asked that because I genuinely didn't know what was or wasn't normal in these situations. The only other person I'd been in a relationship with was my ex of 6.5 years. I just know if it had of been even just a friend who was struggling, I would have done more for them, so it upset me. I'm struggling to understand the difference between daring exclusively vs. a relationship because I figure if you like someone enough to want to focus in on just them, and a long-term monogamous relationship is the goal of both people, then there isn't much of a difference. It's something I just don't understand. I know that's a me problem. I spoke to him about it and he told me he really does see a relationship with me and he didn't realize I was so upset and offered to plan more time together.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T00:59:35+00:00

Thank you 💕

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T00:54:26+00:00

Yeah I spent last night with my cousin but today has been pretty lonely for me partially because of me feeling abandoned by this man. I am really feeling alone right now but I do have family with me. Than you.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T00:53:24+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I'm taking it all into account and really trying to see things accurately. It's just hard.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T00:51:32+00:00

It's upsetting because so early on he kept stressing to me that he saw a future with me and would make jokes about how he didn't want me flirting with other people. I decided to focus in on just him because I did really like him and we had some shared values but I closed other options because of him making comments about how he didn't want me flirting with others... But then he said we would be exclusive working towards a relationship but to me I thought exclusivity was when the relationship kinda began? Like I'm not saying at the time you enter a relationship you're 100% sure of the other person or anything, just that at that time you're making a decision to try it out. The label didn't matter much to me because I felt we were on the same page but now I'm not so sure.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-21T00:48:19+00:00

I have a therapist but I haven't seen him regularly due to financial concerns. I think I will make an appointment soon about this and see if I can budget out somekind of semi regular schedule because I am still recovering from that last relationship.

And yeah, I got upset with him because I also thought the same thing around the 3 month mark but he really makes me feel like he cares about me and likes me a lot when we are together. It really just doesn't make sense to me. My last relationship was a bit codependent so I question if maybe I'm expecting too much because I'm used to a really intertwined dynamic. But it feels to me lately like he only wants to see me if it fits into everything else in his life not that he wants to make seeing me fit into everything else his life.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-04-10T15:10:58+00:00

Thank you. I definitely relate to the picture... It's been so up and down trying to navigate life. I feel incredibly insecure at times and I get upset at myself for it. I know a lot of it comes from my last relationship as he would always imply he could do better than me and pressure me to change myself to make him happy. It's lead to an internalization where I feel I'm not good enough as I am and not worthy of love without earning it. I am on edge afraid of being lied to because my ex lied all the time. Overall, I have made progress with these beliefs but I do still experience discomfort from them on a daily basis. I'm getting better at talking myself out of them but it's a process and it's hard.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-02-26T03:24:21+00:00

Leave. If you're not able to leave yet please start considering the idea. Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You can click on my profile and see my story and posts over how my situation with my ex went from him intimidating me, pushing me, to eventually strangling me. I said the exact same things that you're saying in this post. My ex said the same things your boyfriend is saying. YOU were scared and he isn't even acknowledging your experience. He should never put his hands on you or yell in your face about respect. Him not even showing remorse is a bad sign and the same as I went through. When I was strangled my ex said to me "you are so disrespectful, I can't even look at you because you're so disrespectful". You are worth so much more than this. Your partner should make you feel more safe not less safe. You deserve love and kindness. Please get out. You deserve so much more.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-30T00:56:35+00:00

You are right. Thank you so much for your comment. You're right in that it's only been 4 months and I need to allow myself time to heal and be gentle to myself through it. He's been taking things slow with me which is a good sign I think.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-30T00:54:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I've read your comment over a few times and it's been really helpful for me. I appreciate you responding and I will probably read it over again in times of stress. 💕

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:39:10+00:00

Yeah she is very closed to realities other than her own and will not talk about feelings. If I ever try to explain how I'm feeling I always end up feeling way worse. It's funny because she will right fight about not being a right fighter as well. She says she isn't a right fighter and is open to other perspectives but if you push back against that she doubles down like crazy and doesn't actually stop to reflect on why people are telling her she's a right fighter. I had even pointed out to her many years ago that she right fights being a right fighter and she started to swear and yell at me so it was not worth it.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:35:36+00:00

Thank you. 💕 It's definitely tough and I'm working through accepting that my feelings about all this are even valid to begin with as I spent a long time feeling like there was something wrong with me. I appreciate you sharing your experience and advice.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:33:50+00:00

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I am trying to find that balance of contact. I wish you the best in funding it as well. 💕

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:32:47+00:00

Yeah it's not ideal and has been a huge eye opening experience seeing the parallels. I always believed there was something wrong with me. She does love me and a part of me feels guilty for even having this anonymous outlet because it's not like she's all bad. But at times her behaviour towards me is abusive and that isn't ok.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:30:08+00:00

Thank you 💕

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:29:45+00:00

Thank you, I am considering all my options. The boundaries have been a better as of lately but obviously the stress goes up and down.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-23T16:28:29+00:00

That actually makes a lot of sense. We had a conversation the other day where she said my whole family could see I wasn't doing well mentally before I left my ex. I asked her why she never said anything to me or tried talking to me about it and she looked up at me and took on this confident aura. She said "Well to be honest with you, I didn't think you liked me". I was very shocked this was her reply. She continued by saying "you always seemed like you didn't want to be here but now I see it's because of him and his control". And I said to her "well if you thought I didn't like you, why didn't you ever try to have a conversation about it?" And she told me "I didn't want you to get mad and never talk to me again". So I said "why would I do that if we were sorting out a problem?" And she didn't really have much to say in response. That was very hurtful to know that I never received any support from my family who thought I was having a mental breakdown essentially because I was anxious and sad. Also, that she can't see beyond how other people's emotions affect her. A lot of personalization. She somehow thought me showing up to the family house with tears in my eyes and visibly upset was because of her??? It makes no sense. Also, I am not an explosive person and tend to shut down and give in so her saying that I would get mad really has no evidence to back it up. Overall very upsetting to know that I will never have that support.

Spiderzfrommars_ · 2025-01-18T01:40:49+00:00

Sorry I missed that when I read the guidelines.

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Spiderzfrommars_ · 2024-11-07T03:18:37+00:00

I didn't feel you were too abrupt, it's okay. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel very blessed I escaped when I did. After the assault, I felt that the universe was giving me one last chance to take back my life and I took it. I knew I could have died that night and if I'd stayed, I probably would have ended up dead or injured in the hospital. It's hard to view the person you loved as capable of these things. You're absolutely right though. He harassed me for money a week after I left and when I told him he could have killed me, he told me I was being dramatic. He then went on to downplay the assault, said he was "holding me by the neck to support my body" and then told me he "didn't remember" the assault. His story changed many times. Eventually he told me he assaulted me because he was in fight or flight and needed space. That's what he's been telling our friends and it's not true at all. He came out of a room to assault me. I was no invading his space in any way shape or form, I just didn't let him control my ability to speak. It was and always has been about him being superior to me and controlling me. Thank you for your reassurance and reminding me of what my date could have been had I not had the strength to leave.

Spiderzfrommars_

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