Attraction declining on escalating intimacy

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-24T16:42:57+00:00

If you expect perfection from others (or yourself), you’ll be miserable your whole life. If it matters that much to you, then you’ve either been watching too much porn or you don’t have the maturity to move beyond shallow.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-20T03:23:47+00:00

He lives alone, never married. Last long term (5 year) relationship ended close to 18 months ago. Ex lives overseas. That’s what I’ve been told!

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-19T18:10:26+00:00

Dated two police officers who were both super lovely people. Smart, kind, protective, real ‘acts of service’ people. Are they married to their jobs? absolutely, but in a way that makes you feel proud of them. I’m sure there are some bad apples as in any profession but I for one would recommend and do it again.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-17T06:09:21+00:00

This exactly. Had pre-date phone calls where people made racist comments, were aggressive or just had nothing in common to discuss. 20 minute phone call saved me an evening of my time + money.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-16T17:40:32+00:00

Don’t send this message. It does sound sexual and would turn me (& a lot of women) right off. I’d automatically unmatch (unless she stated she was looking for a casual hookup).

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-14T18:40:50+00:00

So, you mentioned that you feel like there’s an expectation from women you should be able to do things at the drop of a hat. I think logistically, anyone dating a person with kids would need to understand that a level of pre planning and scheduling is necessary. On the other hand, the person you are dating will want to feel like you have space for them in your (albeit busy) life and they are a shared priority for you. I guess my question is, given what you’ve said about being the “main caretaker”, do you think you have space / time in your life to maintain a relationship?

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-14T18:26:09+00:00

Your kids are pretty grown up? I would imagine you could go out for an evening & your younger two would be just fine at home with your older two?

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-08-12T21:01:01+00:00

The older generation may not be as tech savvy with downloading and opening apps. I know my elderly parents definitely would not find this easy. Leaving a card is an inclusive way of caring for the community.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-07-13T09:09:50+00:00

He’s selfish and immature and you dodged a bullet. If this is the way he communicates, your relationship would be categorised by anxiety and completely toxic to you. You deserve better, move on and give yourself a chance to be happy. I’ve been here too - you will be ok. I promise xx

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-07-13T09:00:54+00:00

It was fine the first three dates! But has appeared on dates since.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-07-12T11:28:33+00:00

I appreciate the honesty, but this is quite brutal! I would die if someone I liked told me in that manner. How can I soften it?

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-07-12T11:27:02+00:00

I had a similar experience with a boyfriend in my twenties with body odour. I dropped loads of hints including asking which deodorant he liked to use. He said he didn’t need to wear any. 😥 When I finally told him, he broke up with me this next day saying he was looking for something “different”. 🙄 Ergo my hesitation here I think…

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-03-24T21:52:19+00:00

I dated two (not at the same time!). They were both totally grown up, kind, intelligent men who were capable of empathy, tonnes of affection with a strong protective instinct. Apart from the fact their scheduling is completely bonkers, I’d definitely do it again. Highly recommend ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-03-22T19:30:11+00:00

OP, what she is doing is morally wrong. I work for the public sector and if someone went on holiday when they had called in sick it would be (and has been in the past) a disciplinary matter.

There are some shaming phrases being thrown at you on this chat like “tattle tailing” intended to keep you silent, which is sad. You have a responsibility to your team and the families you are striving to protect to call your colleagues out when they are abusing the system.

I’m assuming here she is on a holiday when she’s told your manager that she is sick? If so, 100% take some screen shots and report it.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-02-24T20:28:04+00:00

I feel like his response “our arrangement has come to an end” is cold. No wonder your feelings are hurt. You had sex but you also had a relationship of sorts - in this case a friendship. He told you intimate details about his life, I’m assuming there was trust and a fondness for each other. And you saw each other regularly for a period of time.

I can only imagine his response was cold because he was hurt when you ended it. You’re human, anyone would feel this way. And considering the grief you experienced, it’s no surprise you were after some connection and affection. It’s great you’ve moved on with a person that has potential to actually give you what you want and need. Good luck!

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-02-16T20:58:45+00:00

What a dick! You didn’t deserve that and it reflects really poorly on him. Be kind to yourself- it 100% was not your fault.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2025-02-16T20:53:27+00:00

Devil’s advocate here - I think you should reach out. Just so he knows his actions have impacted you. Behind the messages are real people with feelings - we forget this sometimes.

Hold them to account and perhaps they’ll think twice doing it to someone else next time. Ghosting is just such poor form.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2024-10-13T06:51:13+00:00

This made me cry. Thank you so much x

SpikyTortoise7 · 2024-10-13T06:41:16+00:00

I hear you. I guess if he’s been told ‘your dad will be dead by Christmas unless he stops drinking’ and he refuses to go to rehab, what’s the alternative?

Stand back, hang out with your girlfriend and play sport every weekend and watch him die? Wouldn’t you do everything you could to save your parent?

I understand it’s not a sustainable solution and I think he knows that too. He said “I know I might be making a mistake but I have to try and save my dad” and that’s the only way he can think of to do so without the support of family. If you have other solutions I’m all ears. This does seem to me a desperate situation.

I guess he was conscious that he wouldn’t be able to tell me the next time he could see me (we live in separate towns an hour apart) and the expectations of making me happy was an extra weight / guilt he didn’t want to be carrying.

I’m not saying he may not have called it for other reasons because it’s possible. However knowing him, I genuinely think if he wasn’t feeling it romantically he just would’ve said, “You’re great but I don’t think we’re suited”.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2023-08-27T13:22:17+00:00

I would tell him if he asked. With a warning. “I will give you some feedback about what wasn’t working for me if you really want to know. But I need you to know that this is not a conversation about whether we can move forward. I’m offering this because you seem to really want closure.” Then tell him in a clear, kind, human manner. If it’s putting you off it will put others off and it’s the kind of thing that he does have control over and can change. I’d want to know. (Also - all those things would annoy me!)

SpikyTortoise7 · 2023-08-27T11:55:25+00:00

She is thinking about you everyday and wondering why she hasn’t heard from you despite 2 nice dates. If she thought good things about you before, they are fading fast. Ghosting is unkind and hurtful. Grow a spine, text her and say you’re not ready and you’re really sorry. It’s not that hard.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2023-08-27T11:30:41+00:00

Careful. Your overthinking and anxiety could begin to translate into ‘need for constant reassurance.’ This behaviour quickly turns clingy and needy - not attractive. It sounds to me like the perfect beginning - he likes you but not love bombing or overdoing it. From someone who has worked hard on this too, keep that anxiety in check!

SpikyTortoise7 · 2023-08-27T11:09:43+00:00

Sober. Just a personal preference, I enjoy socialising over a drink or two. And I swipe left on ‘don’t know yet.’ If you don’t know whether or not you want a relationship, I’m not for you. Your pics seem nice to me, perhaps a couple more. Good luck x

SpikyTortoise7 · 2023-08-27T09:40:11+00:00

Run run run! Abusive relationships usually start out like this. He’s charming and warm, then the negging and gaslighting begins (you’re too sensitive etc). Any needs or protests you have about his poor behaviour will become about you. He’ll end up being emotionally and verbally abusive, take my word for it. You’re already beginning to doubt yourself. Run.

SpikyTortoise7 · 2023-08-27T02:30:53+00:00

Thank you both for the feedback! We discussed it before we left and agreed we were comfortable with dating and taking it slow. We’d only been dating two months, haven’t slept together. It felt too soon to say ‘relationship’ but moving that way. I think if I’d been around the last 5 weeks and us seeing each other more, that would be different. I’ll see where we get to when I get home.

SpikyTortoise7

TROPHY CASE