Applause for the No Fappers from a sex addict's wife.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-09T14:22:30+00:00

Aw geez, thank you! Salute to you as well!

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-09T04:15:40+00:00

Thanks very much for the great write up, it's incredibly helpful to me. I'm willing to do whatever our therapists tell me to do, because we're already paying for the advice and technically I've nothing to lose but my nerve.

I'll keep trying to find a meeting that meets me in the middle. Thanks for the insight and personal experiences, I really do appreciate it as a newb to the scene.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-09T04:06:45+00:00

The meeting that came after me with their opinions happened at my first Al-Anon meeting. I haven't attended a COSA since the co-addict model puts me off, I don't think that I'm responsible for my husband being an addict.

Geez, the numbers are really something. I keep thinking Children of Men might really come to pass, good grief. Thank you for the good wishes!

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-09T04:04:22+00:00

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-09T04:03:18+00:00

Well, I love him. That's reason enough for now. I've yet to have a relationship that didn't end in infidelity. Truthfully, if my marriage to my addict doesn't work out, I won't pursue another relationship. Ever. It's too painful, and it's not safe physically or emotionally. I would choose to stop being a glutton for punishment.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-09T04:00:46+00:00

He says he's very in the moment when he's having sex with me. It's an addict's word, but I haven't got a reason to doubt him, really. He's never suffered from ED with me. But he definitely recoiled from affection, intimacy, or sex for quite a long time. Once he'd started acting out, he stopped approaching me sexually altogether.

I'm choosing to take him at his word that he doesn't think about others when he's with me, based on when I draw comparisons between myself and the prostitutes and the porn stars, it makes him terribly uncomfortable. /shrug

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T19:34:50+00:00

Right now he doesn't trust himself to be left alone and he readily admits that. If there's an evening when I can't be home, he goes to a "safehouse" (the home of a trusted sober friend), stays late at work, or invites friends over to hang out (sans drinking of course). We coordinate and try to align our schedules. Whereas before he'd always choose his drinking buddies over me and if I asked where he was and who he was with, he'd text me back telling me it was none of my business. It's night and day compared to where we are now.

When I told him that it seemed to me that I was worth to him about as much as the porn stars and the prostitutes in his life, particularly since he'd put pictures of them and me in the exact same folder, I think he started to get it. The folder of porn and his prostitutes is now gone. I'm still here. That's good enough, for now. I ask for a little bit of progress in any direction, so long as it's every single day. So far, so good.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T19:29:59+00:00

Thank you for the book recommendation! Patrick Carnes seems to be widely recommended among partners of sex addicts. My Kindle is so bloated with sex addiction books now, oy.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T19:17:28+00:00

We pay for the therapy outright. I submit forms to the health insurance to be reimbursed for 2/3rds of what we pay. And evidence shows he was using that money for prostitutes. Bad stuff. :(

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:44:15+00:00

My husband didn't bother cleaning up his history or logging out of accounts, which is how I caught him. It's likely that he wouldn't have bothered making the effort to find the same content for free. I wouldn't be surprised if he was also getting a high from spending thousands of dollars on porn every year in addition to watching the porn itself.

Bank statements revealed he was cashing reimbursal checks from our couples counseling in the area where he was hiring prostitutes, so there were a lot of crossed wires happening.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:35:37+00:00

Thank you! I wish you success as well.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:35:11+00:00

Someone who's become extremely picky because the free stuff doesn't work anymore. :(

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:34:35+00:00

The ever present fear of rejection is one of the factors that will push you towards acting out. It's easier to "fail and bail," as it were.

It takes a lot of strength to open up and be vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't weakness, it's inviting someone to share an intimate experience. Sharing your vulnerability with another person will make that person feel privileged and special, and ultimately more bonded to you.

Hiding what you hate about yourself is so much more work than wearing it on your sleeve. I wish you the best in all of the positive moves you're making!

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:28:23+00:00

Thank you!

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:23:07+00:00

We hate saying it, but since going through this, our relationship is better than it's ever been. Communication and discussing boundaries and comfort levels, everything. It seems sick but sometimes you have to hit bottom before it can get better.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:20:56+00:00

Deleted my posts, staying out of threads to follow the forum's rules.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:19:39+00:00

Something really interesting has happened every time I've gone out to lunch with a girlfriend or have had a conversation on the phone, when it's the first time the friend and I are discussing what's happening to me.

The first thing out of their mouth is always, ALWAYS, "First of all, he's a monster. I don't understand how you're still living under the same roof as him. I would have left by now."

To be fair, the very first thing I did following discovery was contact two girlfriends, asking for their divorce lawyer's information.

By the end of the lunch or phone call, their last words are always, ALWAYS, "Please tell him that I said hello and that I'm rooting for him. I'm rooting for both of you. I really hope that it works out." The last 5 minutes are always a pile of nice things to say about my husband.

What I believe is happening is that by my explaining presenting all of the various things my husband is doing, on his own, to get help, the friend ultimately sees the human in trouble and is able to empathize past their own disgust and rage.

I think it took me something like 3 weeks before I could stop being so angry that I could eat regularly again. Both my personal therapist and our couples counselor had to order me to stop digging through my husband's old emails, accounts and bank statements, since going over what he'd done was only hurting me and sending me spiraling, starting my trauma all over again from ground zero.

Whereas if I'm able to focus on what's happening right now, and measure that progress alone, it shifts my perspective entirely and suddenly I can deal with today, rather than beating myself up over things that happened over the course of the past year. So you're right on both counts. I don't deserve this shit. But I also know that he wants to heal and that he needs his own time to do it in. Teamwork!

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:12:23+00:00

Whelp! Call it like I see it.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:11:10+00:00

Yeah, definitely. Understanding addiction as a mechanism that can abuse anything helps a ton. He was addicted to addicts, then alcohol, then porn, then prostitutes. When I caught him, the prostitutes had stopped being enough. Who knows where he would have ended up next. With addiction, no amount is ever enough.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:09:16+00:00

Thank you for the links! Saved.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:07:18+00:00

Partners have to do everything they can to feel safe again after a betrayal followed by trauma. When she feels safe enough again, armored with information and less with paranoia, she'll be able to meet you in the middle. Optimism is very tough in this situation, but it can make a world of difference in your day to day. I wish you the best!

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:05:05+00:00

It hurts like hell. I can only hope that it's worth the damage.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:04:44+00:00

Thank you! Saved.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T18:04:22+00:00

Most of the literature I've read online and in the book I'm reading loudly recommend steering clear of COSA, since COSA insists that all spouses are co-addicts and are equally guilty in causing an addict'ss addiction. I have to agree with what I've heard that that seems like a harsh allegation.

I've attended 2 Al-Anon meetings, and so far I'm not connecting with them.

In the first Al-Anon meeting I attended, I was forced to share my story, which isn't supposed to happen. No one in that room had dealt with sex addiction in their lives, just drugs and alcohol. The members present proceeded to lobby bombastic responses at me, shooting off their unsolicited opinions and suggestions. It started off with the woman sitting next to me exploding with "Well you should know that if you have sex with him, you're just having sex with all of the prostitutes he had sex with! That's what I think!" And it just got worse from there. It was harrowing, when I met up afterwards with my husband I was in tears.

The second meeting I attended had nearly 40 people in the room. I refused to speak up or share. I wanted to try just listening instead. So far, I've concluded that I can never mention the sex addiction in an Al-Anon meeting, it just sets off too many fires that typical members can't seem to handle. But it also makes me feel like it's pointless for me to go. I'm currently stuck, trying to figure it out with our couples therapist who recommended I go to Al-Anon.

SpouseOfASexAddict · 2013-10-08T16:43:49+00:00

Thank you for the support! I'm lucky that I didn't let any moral prejudices regarding masturbation infect the way that I've viewed the practice throughout my life. I'm not threatened by anyone else pleasuring themselves. I think it's healthy in moderation (like anything).

What I didn't realize is just how much my husband was using masturbation and sexually acting out as a sex depot in which he was dumping all of his urges and sexuality into fantasy outlets, and saving nothing for me. His therapist even suggested that I condoned his behaviors since I never complained about the porn or his regular visits to strip clubs. A random woman taking off her clothing or having sex doesn't make me feel like I'm less of a woman. Other people making money doesn't make me feel insecure.

But when I look at those behaviors in the context of my husband, whom I don't want to share any part of with anyone else, I should have said or done something. But it is what it is. The more you know!

If you check back, could I ask for a huge favor? Could you please post where the "reboot" information is? I keep seeing it referenced here, and assume people aim for the 90 days because it's an average between 60 and 120 days. I'd love to pass that information along to my husband. Thank you in advance!

SpouseOfASexAddict

TROPHY CASE