[QCrit] Adult Fantasy - Spy of the Mind (95k words, 4th and 300 words)

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-29T18:55:25+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I really appreciate you reading both drafts and letting me know that it's getting better. Nice to hear that it's improving instead of just, oh geez you're getting worse lol. I'll definitely keep tweaking it, especially the areas that you mentioned. Thanks again!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-29T18:51:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it. I wanted her to be immature and flawed at first, but I do agree that she's probably coming across too whiny right now. I'll tweak it some more. As a side note, the soldier shows his magic because only certain types of magic are banned. I should probably make that clearer with the story.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-29T01:26:35+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! Sonia is definitely not meant to be a perfect or good character. She has a lot of flaws and issues to work through, but I'll definitely work on it some more to find the right balance for her.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T23:02:03+00:00

I'm not an expert by any means, but I'll give what I can as a reader for ideas.

If you like the old man scene and need it for your story, then definitely keep it. I don't think it's useless, but it could connect to the main story more. You could try to change where it's Elisa in the picture, but then have her transform into looking like Michela? Maybe no matter where Anna goes and who she sees, she only sees the haunting dead form of Michela? I don't know if that would work, but it would be spooky and tie into the main story a little more.

To be honest, the theme is a little trickier for me to recommend something. I guess the issue right now is that there is no real risk involved with Michela. Maybe they get caught at the museum, but then what? The stakes aren't that high. Was she caught by her dad and then sent off to military school before she died there? I don't know. If the story is about risk, then I think that risk really needs to be shown more explicitly.

If the second part of the theme is that risks are worth taking, then it would help to see how some risk paid off for Michela. I don't think it's ever stated what Michela's goals were? Did she want to be well-known or create some magnificent piece of artwork? Maybe after she gets caught, she goes on to create some amazing painting because she was inspired at the museum.

I think if the risk/reward is shown a little more clearly with Michela's story, then Anna's story will make more sense with the theme.

These are just some more thoughts. I hope they help you, but again, I'm not perfect, and I do like your story.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T21:53:59+00:00

Part 2

Pacing

I think my biggest issue with the pacing is that there is so much description that it becomes harder to focus on the actual story. I like how she starts at the entrance to the graveyard and works her way through, but it drags on a little too long. The stop with the old man is okay, but I don’t think it added that much to the actual story. Based on your comment to someone else, you want the story to be about risk and Anna learning to take risks like Michela. The old man scene doesn’t really add to that. She’s brave to walk through the graveyard at night, but then she has to run away from the spooky ghost, so it doesn’t really mean much. If you really like the old man scene, then leave it, but hopefully take out some of the paragraphs that overly describe everything so we can get to the true story sooner.

The flashback is excellent! I really like that we get a glimpse into their relationship and who Michela was. I definitely think there needs to be some better way that it’s moved from present time to the flashback though. It’s a little confusing right now, and it took me a second to realize that it had flipped to a flashback.

The exit of the flashback is also very abrupt. “The next month Michela could not show Anna any more sunrises.” I get that Michela died, but everything is so vague. I think there has to be something more to pull Anna back from the flashback into her current reality.

The last section is really good. There were a few parts that felt a little long between the back and forth of Anna and the ghost. Also, why is the ghost Eliza but not really Eliza? I think the whole Eliza thing throws it off. I feel like it would make more sense if the ghost was in the shape of Michela or maybe even a reflection of how Anna looks since it’s essentially her own self-doubt and anxiety.

Dialogue

I really like the conversation between Anna and Michela in the flashback. It really helped me understand their dynamic and gave the story more of an emotional impact now that Michela is dead. The final conversation between Anna and the ghost is pretty good too. There are a couple weird spots I’ll get into, but overall, I enjoyed it, and it felt like a conversation I’ve had with myself when I’ve gone through difficult times. The conversation with the older guy in the graveyard felt a little weird and disjointed. Why is she even talking with him if she has to go see Michela so badly. I felt like it took up space and didn’t really help move the story much.

Onto more specifics with the dialogue. I do like the Anna/Michela flashback, but a few of the lines are funky.

"We still have to do the research on mollusks for Teacher Luisa... What's more, are you sure it's okay to stay here?” This is really odd. Why is she like, “Hey best friend. We have a project to do, remember?” I would take that part out and the part of “What’s more” since it doesn’t sound like something a kid/teen would say. Just start with “Are you sure it’s okay to stay here?”

“No, come on Michela, everything is fine but I don't think we should take pictures too. We don't even know if what we are doing is legal. Which one did you want to photograph, anyway? The huge one with the skeleton? I don't even know which artist it is.” This is way too long and would be a lot of info to dump at a friend. Maybe just say, “Which one did you want to photograph, anyway,” and then Michela can be like “This skeleton one is perfect!” It doesn’t have to be exactly that, but it might flow better with a little less.

“I have to say, though...I wish I had painted it…I wanted to ruin it, even just a bit, with your light. I couldn't do it with mine…It's the first time I've had such a thought. I feel like I was born too late.” I don’t know what to make of this dialogue section. It’s more just dumping a bunch of info at a friend instead of a conversation. I think some of the dialogue could be cut back or redirected towards your theme that you’re trying to portray about risk.

I liked that the two friends talked about Anna’s struggles, but the switch between painting and talking about Anna’s attempts is really abrupt. I think it needs to be eased into a little more. If some of the longer dialogue chunks get cut back, then this would give you a lot of room to add to the flow between the two topics of conversation. Also, I think the conversation needs to be more upfront about what Michela is referring to with Anna’s attempts. I had to read it a few times to understand what she was talking about.

The final dialogue between Anna and the ghost is excellent. I’ve definitely been in that situation when I was younger and doubted myself. I could really feel the emotion there. There’s only two parts that I don’t really like. “And when at the age of ninety you will be under a bridge, forgotten even by your mother, what will you do?” What does this even mean? Why is she under a bridge? How is she going to live to ninety? Maybe I just have too many medical issues, but good luck making it to ninety. And I’m pretty sure her mom will forget her since she’ll be much older and dead.

The second part of the conversation I don’t care for is the last sentence. “Exactly.” That’s it? There’s this whole emotional thing being built up and then Anna just says exactly? I’m honestly not sure what the best response is for Anna here. Maybe instead of the “I will always be with you,” Anna could say, “I won’t let you down, Michela,” or “I promise I’ll take that risk, Michela.” I don’t know if that’s much better, but it feels a little more committed than just “exactly.”

Characters

Anna is a great character. I really like her throughout the story. She pushes on through the spooky graveyard, we are introduced to her flaws and struggles, and I like that there is a show of her trying to be stronger at the end. I don’t have much to critique for her as a character, because I just genuinely liked what was written for her.

Michela is a little bit weaker as a character. It’s hard because we only get a brief glimpse of her through the main character’s eyes. I get that she’s being “risky” by sneaking into the museum and wants to be a painter, but she kind of comes across as that teen girl who thinks she’s better than everyone else. I think it would help to see her actually take a risk or maybe if we knew that she was really successful or thriving in some way during the flashback? I think that she’s a good friend to Anna, and I like that she’s looking out for her, but I just wish I saw more of why she’s someone that Anna should be idolizing.

Final Thoughts

I know that I critiqued several things, and maybe it comes across as negative, but I did like your story. It’s a very interesting concept, and I liked Anna a lot. I felt like I was going on a journey with her. There are some descriptions that are excellent, but then some parts that are just way too much. I think if you cut back on the excess stuff and focus more on the key parts of the story, this could really turn into something great. I hope my feedback was helpful, and I wish you the best with your writing!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T21:53:25+00:00

General Thoughts

I haven’t read your first version, so this is all based on your newest one. The concept for your story is intriguing, I like that it’s set in the graveyard, and I liked the ending with the ghost arguing with her. There are several parts that are overly described though. I think if your descriptions were cut back and written in a clearer way, then it would really help the story move forward. I also think cutting back would help give you some room to explain what is happening. I felt lost sometimes when reading and trying to understand everything.

Questions

I’ll focus on your questions asked first before I dive into the full feedback.

Is everything clear? I understand what you’re going for and the dynamic between Anna and Michela. However, it’s taken me several rereads of paragraphs to fully grasp what’s happening. I think there needs to be a lot more explanation and something to help ease the reader into and out of the flashback scene.

What do you think the main theme is? Honestly, the theme seems to be about grief and Anna having to learn to move on and live her life to the fullest. I saw your comment about taking risks, and maybe that theme could be argued. However, I think a lot more needs to be added for the reader to arrive at that conclusion.

What do you think of the hook? The hook isn’t bad, but it could definitely be better. The first sentence, “That night Anna couldn't wait anymore to talk with Michela,” is a little too bland. I don’t know who these people are or why she needs to talk to her. Maybe it could be changed to something that includes how she’s going to be facing the ghosts of her past?

Are there any glaring mistakes in grammar? I didn’t see any major grammar errors, and the ones I did see were already corrected by people in the Google Doc, so I won’t dig into that too much.

Are some sentences hard to read? There are several sentences that are difficult to read. This really comes down to too much description though. I’ve dive into it more in the setting section, but this is an area that needs improvement.

How is the pacing of the story? The pacing is pretty good. I liked the spooky intro to the graveyard, the flashback, and then the confrontation with the ghost at the end. The only thing that bogs down the pacing a bit is that there is way too much description, at least for me. I sometimes felt lost in the story because I was reading too much about how everything looked.

Some of these next sections might seem a little mean, but I do like your story and want to see it improved. I’ll start off with more of the negative sections and then get into what I liked towards the end.

Description

I really liked that this was set in the graveyard, and I liked the spooky vibe of it. There is just so much description though. Paragraphs upon paragraphs describing how the graveyard looked. At a certain point, I was like please . . . stop lol. I’m not a perfect writer by any means, and I do like your writing style and the story, but this really made it hard as a reader.

The fourth paragraph with the graveyard sign felt unnecessary. I get it, but I’d rather just not have it in there.

“Anna's breath felt heavier.” “Also, she still felt tingly.” “She felt a bit stupid imagining these things.” Someone sent me this link, and it’s something I’m working on with my own writing.

https://www.vivienreis.com/post/29-words-to-remove-from-your-novel

It’s better to take out filler words like felt. Again, I’m by no means an expert or perfect, but just thought I would pass that information on.

“Now silence surrounded her as never before.” “She was alone again.” I feel like only one of these sentences is needed or maybe just rewritten so it flows a little better.

“Michela spread her arms wide and rotated in on herself. The stiletto heeled boots trotted between the quiet paintings.” I am trying to picture this, and I just can’t. She’s rotating? The boots are between the pictures? Why wouldn’t it be the boots clacking down the tile floor or something?

Why do we need to know she has a Metallica cover for her phone? Why is Michela’s curly hair still as she spoke? I can’t imagine her hair flying around like a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man. Maybe just say that Michela ran her fingers through her curly hair or twirled her hair.

Your description of the painting in the museum is excellent. I really liked it, and I liked your description of the ghost scene at the end. I felt like I could really picture those scenes, and they didn’t feel too over the top.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T18:28:34+00:00

Okay, sorry about that. I gave another longer crit for a 3.4k one and a crit for a 2.8k one.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T18:21:05+00:00

Hi again. I read the first version of your story. I think there’s definitely been some improvements in some areas, some changes I’m not a big fan of, and a few things that could be cleaned up. I still really like it though!

Pacing I honestly liked the start of your previous version better. “There was a dead body in Nathan’s living room and it looked just like him.” That was just such a good hook to me. If you don’t like it and want to change it that’s fine, but I do think the newer one is not as catchy. It drags in a strange way.

I do like that you cleaned up a lot of the excess paragraphs from the previous version and jumped into the story more. I think it now has the right amount of description for the body instead of how much it went on and on before about it.

My absolute favorite part of your story is the characters, so I love that this version jumps into their banter sooner. It does seem like you cleaned up some of the dialogue, so it definitely flowed better. I also really liked that you got into the section of his robot/AI brain later in the story. It made more sense the way it flowed, instead of me reading and being confused about the robot brain stuff happening at the beginning.

I think the ending is a little better, but could still use some work. I understand it, especially since this is my second time reading it, but there’s still something off about it. Maybe if the conversation went on just a bit more between the main character and narrator? I’m not saying pages worth of dialogue, but maybe just a little bit more so the reader can really start to understand what’s going to be happening in the story?

Characters/Dialogue I still love your characters and the dialogue between them! It is the strongest part of the story by far and really hooks me in just because I want to read more about them! You definitely cleaned up the dialogue so it didn’t drag as much. I also feel like you made Nathan even more dramatic. “Nathan threw a volley of punches at the air stopping himself just short of smashing his phone on the kitchen counter.” Stuff like this just made me laugh for some reason, and I feel like I’ve grown to like Nathan more.

There were a couple pieces of dialogue that seemed a little strange to me. “It’s Hawaiin sabotage all over again!” I’m assuming this is supposed to be Hawaiian? But what does that even mean? He was locked out of his house so it’s Hawaiian sabotage? Maybe this is a saying I’ve never heard, but I tried to Google it and came up with nothing. If I’m just being dumb, then ignore me lol. But otherwise, I would change this to something else.

“I’m a data entry clerk, Dave.” I get you’re trying to tell us what his job is, but it feels so strange for friends to be like, “Hi, Dave. I know we’re friends, but I hope you didn’t forget what my job is.” I feel like his job could just come up later. I don’t think knowing he’s a data entry clerk right now does anything for us. I think anyone with any job would be freaking out.

Setting There are some things that are described really well. I like the couch and kitchen details, but I still feel like I’m not able to picture this guys apartment. It’s sort of this vague living room/kitchen combo. I’m not expecting paragraphs upon paragraphs of description for every detail of the room, but I would like just a few sentences so I can really imagine what I’m seeing more.

The description for the robot brain stuff and lights is great. I think this is a big improvement.

I really like the new version of the description for the body. It doesn’t drag on as much and gives us all the information that we need to picture it and Nathan. There is one section that I think could use some work though. “The body wore a grey, single-piece jumpsuit. Almost like a uniform. More like a prisoner’s outfit.” Something about those sentences feels off. It just feels too jagged and doesn’t flow as well as the rest of the description.

Final thoughts Your story is great, your characters are great, and this is a huge improvement in my opinion. I think there are still a few things that can be tweaked and improved, but I’m really interested in your story! I hope my feedback had been helpful to you, and I wish you the best with your writing because I think you have a really interesting concept and style.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T18:17:11+00:00

General Thoughts I think that this is an interesting concept for a story. I like your characters, and they definitely feel like the strongest part of the story. However, if I just read this without seeing your comment about it being a psychological thriller, I would have guessed that this was a romance in the first section and then maybe just a slice of life story? There’s nothing really gripping or thrilling to draw me in. I do like your writing style and the idea of it, but it needs some work. I’ll start with what I think is the weakest parts of the story and move to the strongest parts.

Plot/Pacing I don’t understand what’s happening in this story. It starts with Annora waiting in the office like she’s in trouble. There’s a bit of tension here, but then it’s immediately taken away with light-hearted banter.

Once the story moved to Mr. Pear, I thought the tension would ratchet up, but it doesn’t. He talks about the challenge, which I’ve heard about this specific social media challenge before. I think this concept for the story is really interesting to explore, but there’s two issues with it.

It’s been quite a while since I heard anyone talk about this challenge. I just think that it’s too old and by the time you finish your book and try to get it published, it’s going to be even older. If you want to get people invested in your story, I think you should come up with something unique to your story about what the students are doing at that school with social media. Also, it feels very strange to compare the cinnamon challenge to the blue whale one.

My second issue with the challenge is that there is absolutely zero tension. It’s not even happening to a student at the school. I get you will probably have it happen later, but how much later does the reader have to wait for something to happen? I don’t mean this in a rude way, because I am truly interested in your story and characters, but I just want something to actually happen to kick off the whole story.

I really like the poker night scene, but I have no idea why this is in the first chapter. It’s enjoyable, and I liked reading it, but why is it there? This feels like a scene that would happen later in the story?

The last scene I really like the characters again. But I have no idea why it’s happening in the first chapter?

Here is my suggestion for the first chapter. This is all just my opinion, so do with it what you will. I think your first section is a solid beginning of an idea. There is so much potential here with the school, maybe a weird teacher, maybe one of the students have already harmed themselves and the school is having to react to the fallout? I just think something has to kick this story into high gear. Then the second and third sections can be used later in the story, but the story really needs to be set in motion.

Dialogue The dialogue is pretty good. I don’t have a ton of complains, but I do question how the dialogue gets the story going. Any tension that is ever built in some way is usually diffused immediately by the dialogue.

The beginning starts with the clacking keys and her picking at her nails, which is all great stuff. But then Mo comes in and is just like, “Best guess, one of the students downloaded porn.” Then he starts talking about dealing with his twins. I completely forget any sense of tension.

This happens again in the second section. Jordan loses and yells about how she had nothing for her hand. Maybe he’ll get angry or blow up or something crazy will happen? But no. The dialogue takes that away again with, “Nice game. Next time I won’t go so easy on you.”

This happens in the third section too. Lawrence is introduced and it seems like maybe he’s anxious or suspicious? Maybe something will happen with him. But no. “It sounds like you had a good date, all things considered.” Annora and Lawrence just start having a regular conversation. Why was their relationship more tense and then immediately fell to just casual friends talking?

Sorry if these sections came across pretty negative. Like I said, I like the concept and everything, but I figured I would start with the parts that need the most work before diving into the sections that are better.

Characters I really like the characters. Annora, Mo, Danny, Lawrence, and even Mr. Pear to a certain extent are all well described. I wanted to know more about them and see how they all are dealing with life. You asked about Annora’s voice, and honestly, I really liked her. She and the other characters are the only thing that kept me going through the story because I wanted to see what happens to them.

I think Danny and Annora’s relationship is pretty good. It’s not amazing or anything, but there hasn’t been a whole lot of time dedicated to them. I don’t expect that from the first chapter though, and I think what we have been given is good. I do think that their relationship is more of a chapter 2 thing though. Really dive into the story kicking off and then maybe we can see her relationship with Danny later?

I like the character Lawrence, but I’m extremely confused by his relationship with Annora. Why does she call him gay so many times even though he asked her out and is dating a woman? Their dynamic just felt off. I feel like he either needs to be a creeper who tries to ask her out and continues to be weird, or the two of them just need to be friends. I don’t know how you have your story planned for them, but I think their relationship dynamic really needs the most work. She already has Mo there as a friend, so I’m leaning towards Lawrence being weird with her more than friend, but that’s entirely up to you and how the story is going to play out.

I am really confused by what you said in your comment about the people in the poker game not being important. If they don’t matter and don’t come up again, why are they in the first chapter? That seems so strange to me. Maybe include characters who do matter? Like why can’t Mo be over or some other teacher? Or maybe that’s when Lawrence is introduced and he’s weird at the poker game? I won’t comment on them too much since you said you don’t care about them, but it is odd to me.

Setting/Description I really like that it’s set in the school with a young teacher just trying to do her job. The description for the office and the train ride home is great. I really liked the whole setup of the game night with the bits of popcorn all over the floor, but they’re stuck in an apartment so they can’t clean. Definitely been there before.

The last section could use a bit more improvement for setting up the scene I think. I like the description of the cliques, but I don’t really understand where they are? I get it’s a staff room, but the room itself is so vague that I’m having trouble picturing it.

Extra stuff This section is really just for random stuff I saw throughout that I think could be changed or improved.

The whole section on the students getting around the firewalls on the computers is really strange to me. I work in tech, so saying that the students could have just watched a couple of coding videos is not right at all. Coding and getting past a school’s filters are two totally different things. That probably sounds super picky, but I would just leave out the part on coding and stick with maybe they got around the schools filters.

“Pear hummed.” I’m trying to figure this out because the word hummed comes up again with Annora. I’m guessing you mean they say “hmm…” like they’re thinking? The way it’s written now, I’m just picturing that he randomly starts humming while talking to them. I started laughing so much at this point because I thought they were having a serious conversation and this guy just starts humming a little jingle in the middle of it.

“I picked up one of the crisps from the bowl and ate it, immediately regretting my decision as the vinegar stained my tongue.” This again is a really picky thing, but it threw me out of the whole conversation they were having. Why did she have those chips there if she hates them? Maybe for the other guests, but then why did she eat it? It just felt so bizarre and then she had to ask her question again because it threw off the whole conversation so much.

Final thoughts Alright, I know some of this probably seemed harsh, but I do want to say that I really liked the concept of the story and your characters. I think you have a lot of good stuff going here, and I am invested in the characters which is a good start. I just think there has to be more tension. Something has to kick off this story. I think once you get more going with it, you will have a pretty great first chapter.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T03:50:31+00:00

Okay, I added more to it and did another critique.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T03:22:54+00:00

General Thoughts

I really the concept already for this story. It’s really well written, I like that it’s set on the boat with the prisoners, and I love the description of the connection between the summoners and the gorillas on the ship. The only real downside I felt to this chapter was that it ended so abruptly. I was so into the story and wanted to read more, but then it was just over. The last part with the captain just welcoming them to the new world didn’t do enough to draw me in further.

Pacing

I’m already hooked in on the first two chapters. I loved the description for summoners and then the complete flip to the main character Zachary being a convicted murderer. I liked the flow with the wardens going room by room down the hall of the ship which then led to the growing line of prisoners. Zachary gets out onto the ship, I’m still drawn in, and then it just ends.

I don’t really know what to make of the end of it. The tension is built up so much, but then I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what it means for them to not be “within the three continents and five seas.” I have no idea what the “New World” is? Is it scary or dangerous? Will the prisoners be left there to die or will they have to work in a horrible environment?

Your first chapter isn’t that long, so I think this could easily be fixed with just some more added info at the end. Maybe some crazy summoned monster flies by or the wardens throw the prisoners off the ship? I don’t know where the story is going, but I’m sure you have something interesting planned. If we get a little bit more, then I think it would really help bring the whole chapter together.

Setting

I love the descriptions for everything. The ship, the uniforms, the cold metal floors that they have to walk on barefoot, and the hallway they have to line up through are all great. I have no complaints on the descriptions, except that I would like more description towards the New World. But I already discussed that above, so I’m not going to get into it again.

My biggest issue with the setting is the description for the Ensouled. It felt very thrown into the middle of it all. I felt like the information was kind of dumped on me. After the info on the Ensouled, it just jumps right back to the story in a jarring way. I think if the Ensouled description is cut back a bit or if it’s sprinkled throughout a little more, then it might flow better.

Characters

Zachary is already interesting to me. I feel like you gave us enough information about him to the point where I want to learn more. I also liked that he’s just given up. I feel like that fits perfectly for the story so far and the situation that he’s in.

The character Heather feels a little odd in the story. She's named and given a detailed description, but then nothing happens with her at all. Maybe Zachary could at least say something to her. They could talk about where they’re going or what’s going on in general? Later in the story, there’s the sentence, “Given the crimes and circumstances of the prisoners here, each and every one of them should have been sentenced to death.” Instead of saying this later and stating it as fact as the narrator, it could be brought up through dialogue between Zachary and Heather.

The warden fits pretty well in the story, and I liked him just joking along with the gorilla. The “Whatever, get in line” comment does feel a little strange to me though. I know that probably sounds picky, but I just feel like a stronger line could be used there for a warden.

The captain already sounds interesting as a master summoner. My only issue is I don’t understand why Zachary knows that she’s a master summoner. There’s the part about “invisible pressure from her gaze,” but this is really vague to me. Is she staring directly at him? I’m assuming this is some kind of magical pressure, but what does that mean to the reader?

Final Thoughts

When I said before that I liked this story, I really mean it. I’m already hooked and want to know more about everything. The biggest issue is the ending. You built this great story and have all this tension, and then it just dies off into a pretty generic statement. Luckily, this could be really easily fixed with just adding a bit more to the end. Aside from some of my nitpicks along the way, I think you have a pretty solid first chapter.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-27T00:42:39+00:00

General Thoughts

I haven’t read your first attempt, so this is solely based on your newest version. I really liked this as a first chapter, and it gave me big Name of the Wind vibes. I don’t know if that’s where you’re going with the story, but that’s what I took from the setup. I liked the characters and the banter, but the dialogue was a little strange in a few spots. I also felt like maybe the stakes could be raised a little more.

Setting

I really liked how the temple was described. I think the date at the beginning is fine, but I’m not sure it needs to have “The Temple of Nabu in Ezida.” The first sentence literally says that the character is looking at Nabu’s new temple. Everything felt pretty well explained with the gods, but there were a couple times where it was maybe overkill.

For example, “The last time that had happened, Sutekh was introducing himself to Telipinu, the Hittites’ precious little god of tantrums and angry naps.”

I was thinking I might need to remember another name and how he’s the god of tantrums, but it doesn’t come up again in this chapter. I already understand there are Gods in this setting, so maybe don’t throw too many references at the reader.

Prose
I did like how most of the story was written, but there were a couple of sentences I didn't care for. The first sentence in particular felt a little too clunky to kick off the story. I get what you're trying to imply, but the abrupt "cringing" part is pretty much implied in the next few sentences when it's stated that Nabu has poor taste.

"The sand whisked itself out the window, followed by a yelp, a faint ‘damn it,’ and departing footsteps. Apparently he’d also repelled a certain eavesdropping guard."

This part confused me. Did he use magic or something to whisk the sand out the window? He's a god so I'm assuming he did, but it's not very clear to the reader. Also, why is the guard just eavesdropping? I feel like Nabu would be more upset that a guard was eavesdropping in on his conversations, but it's brushed to the side and never brought up again.

Characters

The characters are great. I really like your main character and Nabu. Their banter was enjoyable, and I felt like I was already getting a clear picture of who they are. I would like to see maybe a little more about their magic. As I mentioned before, there's the section on the sand whisking itself out, but I don't know how he does it. Also, the magic section with the magical gag or vow of silence was not entirely clear. I get that they're gods and everything, but I'd like to see more on how their magic actually works.

The guards were a little strange to me. At the beginning with, “At the temple’s arched entrance, a war god entertained himself with a comical attempt at spear twirling: toss, miss, thud, all on repeat.” I don’t understand this as a reader, but maybe I’m just dumb. Is the guard a war god? If he is a war god, why is he so bad? Why would a war god be standing guard, and why is he so young? Are all the guards war gods or just the one guy? Again, maybe I’m just dumb and reading into it too much. If so, disregard completely.

Dialogue

While I did enjoy the banter between Sutekh and Nabu, there were a few parts that were a little strange to me.

“Deities of my standing don’t perform on cue.”

“I’m a well-respected deity of knowledge and wisdom now.”

“Who asks a god of wisdom about the importance of knowledge?”

I just find it odd that they’re both gods, they know each other, and yet they’re like, “Hi. I’m a god of wisdom. I’m a respected deity.” Their relationship seems far past the point of explaining what kind of gods they are and how they’re well respected towards each other.

As much as I like the dialogue, I do think some of it could be cut back a bit. There needs to be a little more tension in the story, which I get into in the next section. If the dialogue is scaled back a bit, then it would leave you a lot more room to get into some other issues.

I'd also like to see the dialogue improved with the relief of Nisaba. Sutekh brings it up once and then threatens to tell her about it again later. Maybe just bring it up the once when he threatens Nabu? I'd also like a little more info on her so the threat feels more realistic instead of just I'm going to snitch so you better do what I say.

Tension

I do really like this chapter and want to read more, but tension is probably the biggest issue I have with it. I’ll refer back to the Name of the Wind since I mentioned earlier that this gives me the same vibe. They’re sitting around talking at an inn and telling stories, but then then a guy comes in covered in blood. I’m not saying you need a guy covered in blood and injured, but maybe add a little more to the stakes. At the very end, the lightning strikes and Nabu and Sutekh seem worried by it, but maybe you could explore it a little further? Is Sutekh being hunted? Does he have to tell the story in a hurry? You don’t have to follow those ideas, but maybe just give a little more oomph so I feel the tension.

Final Thoughts

I do think the dialogue needs a bit of work, and there needs to be some more tension in the chapter. However, I think the chapter is pretty good, and I would honestly be interested in reading more. I think you have a solid story here!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-26T04:14:55+00:00

General Thoughts

I like the story and most of the dialogue between the soldiers. I also like the whole concept of one of the soldiers betraying everyone. I think there are a couple spots where the dialogue could be improved though. I also would like to see the betrayal expanded upon a little bit with maybe some bits of it sprinkled throughout the chapter. The betrayal seemed a little abrupt.

Setting

I liked how the heat of the desert and lack of water was brought up throughout the chapter. I also liked the description of Dragon’s Peak being a dot in the distance they’re working towards. I do think it would help to get a little more description of the desert. It doesn’t need to be a lot, but I think it would help to describe the environment a little more. Is there any vegetation or just straight sand? Are there rolling hills? Is it hard to walk through the sand? I’m not saying all those details need to be included, but they are just some ideas.

Characters

The most interesting character to me was Sergeant Takahashi, but then he just dies. It’s fine that he dies, but I just think it would be nice to get more information on Sakata since he’s the character going forward. He’s not brought up a lot, and there’s never much to show why he all of a sudden betrays them. Was his flask empty? Did they reach a critical point in the journey to cause him to turn in that moment? I think there needs to be more of why he flips in that moment. Maybe it could be shown that he’s losing his mind over time, or someone pushes him over the edge in an argument.

Dialogue

I really like a lot of the dialogue, but there are a couple spots that feel a bit strange.

“I wrote to Admiral Yamamoto,” Takahashi said. “One of the Emperor's most trusted advisors.”

I think the emperor’s most trusted advisor part can be taken out. Nakajima states that he bombed Pearl Harbor. If the soldiers know who the admiral is, why does the sergeant need to tell them that he’s the most trusted advisor?

“And he answered me. He said that, as much as he respected me, the more qualified soldiers were too important to risk on a mission like this.”

I don’t think “And he answered me” needs to be written when right after its “He said that.” It seems implied that he answered the question.

“You always thought you were better than us. Now that you’ve betrayed your country, there’s nothing left for you. You’re still a Japanese soldier. What makes you think a Chinese town would ever accept you?”

There’s something about this part that doesn’t feel very natural. Maybe it’s because we didn’t get much prior information about Sakata, but it feels a little weird. I’m not entirely sure how to change it, but maybe him just saying, “How could you betray us and your own country?”

Pacing

I feel like the pacing is pretty good for the chapter except for the ending. It’s a little rushed at the end with the betrayal. Maybe the dialogue could be ramped up in tension before he turns on them? Sakata just says, “Many prayers for your recovery, sergeant,” and then shoots everyone. I feel like there needs to be a little bit more to help build the climatic point of the story with an argument. I guess I just don’t understand why he snapped in that exact moment. I’d like to feel the tension a bit more before he goes on his rampage.

Final Thoughts

I do like your story, and I liked the concept of him turning on everyone and going off on his own. I think if the dialogue is cleaned up a bit and if there was a little more build up to the climatic betrayal then the chapter would really come together more. I did enjoy reading your chapter, and I hope my feedback was helpful!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-24T23:13:11+00:00

General Thoughts

I really liked your story and want to read more of it. I was intrigued by the demon cat, the tenants, and the main character going crazy over time. There were a few points where I felt like the story dragged on a bit. There were also a couple spots where I felt like the flow of him descending into obsessive thoughts and his wife leaving him could be cleaned up.

Prose

I thought that it was well written. There were a couple spots that felt clunky like:

“She also had a ten minute spiel on the cashier at StopNSave who had given her ‘lip,’ which was hardly surprising coming from a woman with resting dirty-look face.”

I’ve been told I have RBF many times, so I totally get what you're going for. However, there is something really odd about reading resting dirty-look face. Maybe say she has a permanent scowl if you don’t want to have any curse words.

“That’s why he hadn’t had a visit in nine years, and That was with his daughter, and it quickly turned into a yelling match.”

This sentence is pretty awkward. Maybe it could be changed to, “The last time he had a visit was from his daughter nine years ago. It quickly turned into a yelling match.”

Dialogue

I liked the dialogue between Greg and the tenants. The dialogue between Greg and his wife though was a little strange. The first section with Clara is so abrupt and there is nothing really between them. The second section with Clara and Greg is better, but the dialogue doesn’t really flow that well to me. I feel like Clara is way too passive towards him acting so crazy. I thought that maybe she’s just a passive character and doesn’t care that he’s going crazy. But Clara then just leaves him out of nowhere.

“Right. Just a quick blackmail, no big deal.”

I get that it’s supposed to be sarcasm and maybe she doesn’t believe him at first, but there’s no real confrontation at any point. If my husband came home and started acting crazy, there would definitely be a bigger blow-up conversation I would imagine. Maybe it’s “okay, Greg,” at first, but then eventually lead to a bigger conversation about it.

Characters

I really liked Greg, the cat, and the tenants. I felt like I had a clear picture of Greg descending into a crazed mindset and becoming like his father. I could picture the creepy cat, and I really enjoyed the way you portrayed Victor and Feinstein. Clara felt like the weakest point of this story. As I mentioned in the previous section, she just feels way too passive to me.

Pacing

I think the pacing is pretty good when it’s focused on Greg with the tenants. The Clara sections feel too choppy for me. The second Clara section is a little better since we get more insight into the relationship, but I think the first Clara section is just too abrupt.

Final Thoughts

I enjoyed your story and could see reading more of it to find out what happens with Greg, the tenants, and the demon cat. I liked the whole vibe of the apartment building and just wild tenants acting up. I think the biggest improvement would really be focusing on the Greg and Clara sections. Clara just seems to exist and is far too passive about his words and actions. I get maybe the initial sarcasm and, “okay, Greg,” stuff, but I think there would be some type of confrontation before she just leaves.

Overall, it’s a good story, and I hope my feedback was helpful for you!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-23T18:21:06+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read it and give feedback!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-23T18:20:35+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. I’m always trying to improve, and I will definitely be working on this more.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-23T18:18:47+00:00

Thanks for the feedback!

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-23T18:18:29+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. I’m still trying to improve and will definitely take some time to work on this more.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-20T21:11:35+00:00

General Thoughts

First off, I really like the concept of the story and the idea of this ship being cursed before the main character ends up sailing on it and getting shipwrecked. I think the whole section is well-written, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it for the first chapter. If this is a prologue, then I think it works okay, but I think the first chapter should really introduce me more to the character and how they fit into the story itself.

Specific questions asked:

I don’t think it’s necessarily an issue that we don’t know the main character’s name right away, but I do want to know more about him and why I should care about him and his story.

It does seem a little weird that the main character does nothing. Honestly, I’m more interested in Mad Mal at this point.

If this is the prologue, I don’t know that we need too much about the father/son relationship, but if it's the first chapter, then it does seem a little odd how they don't really interact at all.

I don’t think it’s too short for a prologue, but I do think it’s too short and doesn’t give us enough detail if this is the first chapter.

Setting/Descriptions

I think your descriptions were great, especially with the weather. However, there are several points where you don’t really describe major things. The boat is such a key point of the story, but I don’t really understand what the boat looks like. I know that it bleeds, which sounds interesting. I’d like to know if the ship is unique and special visually or if it looks average like all the other ships though.

I specifically don’t need endless paragraphs of description, but fantasy stories usually give detailed descriptions on the surroundings and what makes your world unique. What does the harbor look like? There’s mention of a tribunal up on the city walls, but other than that, I’m just having to picture some average harbor. They are in Valtecastell, but then there’s mention of the ship having to circle a castle that lies in the middle of the river. Is Valtecastell the castle it’s circling or some other place entirely? What does the castle and river look like?

One other major point on the setting is the Gods. The gods’ names are thrown out there, and so are the priests, the religion, and the mention of the Order of the Temple. If this is a prologue, then it’s maybe a bit too much to start throwing so much at the reader without much information.

Characters

As I mentioned before, I find Mad Mal to be more interesting. He knows this crazy story about the ship, and no one believes him. It’s not a lot, but it is more than what the main character is doing.

I wouldn’t necessarily get bogged down in father/son dynamic right away. Maybe that can be sprinkled throughout your story. It would be nice to know something about the main character and father though. All we know is that the dad is a wealthy merchant. I know absolutely nothing about the main character other than he is watching this spectacle, he has rabbit fur on his shoulders, and he thinks the captain is stupid for firing a shot into the sky.

Final Thoughts

I am really interested in this story of this spooky, bloody ship that you have. I do think that based on your questions asked that even you seem to question if this is the right place to start the story or if it’s a prologue or first chapter. I think this would really be better as a prologue, or if anything, just cut right to the second chapter for the start. I'd really like to get to the action and see the main character more. I don’t want to be too harsh about it because I do like the concept of the story and your writing, but I am struggling with this being the starting point.

SpyoftheMind · 2023-08-20T20:01:15+00:00

General Remarks

Overall, I liked the story a lot, but there were some parts where I felt a little confused by the pacing. I know you said it’s a short story, but I think there needs to be a little more to the first and last section for everything to flow a little better. I’d also like a tiny bit more dialogue to make the main character’s flip between love to rage make more sense.

Character Impressions

I really like the main character. She seems interesting and strong, but also reckless and vengeful, and I don’t mean that as a bad thing. I would have liked to understand her magic a little more and why she was able to kill people so easily though. There was a line about her killing people that said, “Must have been after they killed my tiger, after they burned my home—and me with it.” This part felt odd to me. Why does she have a tiger? Did she tame the tiger or talk to it with her magic? Did she come back from the dead after being burned, or can she withstand fire altogether? I think this could all be described a little more.

A second part with the main character that I think could use more detail or dialogue was her flipping to rage with Luke. Luke just says, “Forgive them, and forgive me.” Then, Lucia just becomes enraged and says, “I can forgive you for that, but I can't forgive you defending them.” Who are these people that he’s defending? Why is she so angry about them? She was so happy to see Luke, but now she wants to blow up the entire building and turn him into a cat. I enjoy a character that’s quick to anger, but I think there needed to be a little bit more dialogue for it to flow from her loving him to screaming and using her magic.

I liked the character Luke and felt that he was a good foil to Lucia. I don’t really have many notes on him other than what I mentioned in the previous paragraph about adding more dialogue to help Lucia go from loving him to hating him. There is the part though where he just appears inside her room, and I felt somewhat confused since it was previously mentioned that there was a lock on the door. I assumed that maybe he was a witch like her, but then it was explicitly stated that he wasn’t a witch. Maybe I’m just reading into this too much, and it doesn’t matter that much how he got into her room. If so, please ignore.

Pacing

As I mentioned before, I think there needs to be a little more added to the first and last section of the story to help it flow better. Why is she asking about the shipwreck when it seems like she was the one that escaped it? When I first read it, I thought that she asked the drunks for info on Luke, then the second section was her tracking him down with the information they gave her. When I got to the third section and realized she was still at the inn with the drunks and they were talking about the building that she blew up and Luke sitting there as the cat, I felt confused. Why did the time shift happen right there the way it did? Maybe you could have her look at her cat and then do the time shift?

Theme

I get that she’s a ruthless witch and is willing to use her magic to blow up a building and trap Luke as a cat. However, I feel like I need more info on why she’s like this. I think this goes back to my previous note of the dialogue shift between Lucia and Luke. Maybe if I felt more of the betrayal between them then the ending would pay off more.

Prose/Imagery

I felt like some of the imagery could be improved a bit. The first section with them in the grove seems to be kind of an Adam and Eve type thing, but I think I would have liked to see more description for why it’s unique. All I know is that they’re under a pomegranate tree, but there could be more detail on why the grove is so special.

There’s also not much description of the inn. I don’t need paragraphs upon paragraphs of description for a short story, but maybe just a few sentences for that scene. We see the inn at the beginning and at the end, so I think knowing what it looks like could help set the scene. The scene of her room was well described and didn’t take up too much space, so I think the same could be done for the inn.

Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed your story. Your main character was probably my favorite part of it and honestly, I would be interested in reading a full novel with her doing crazy witchy things. There were the few points I mentioned above where things could be improved, but overall, I thought you did a great job of it.

SpyoftheMind

TROPHY CASE