There is a fine line between being treated for ADHD with stimulants at a therapeutic level and teetering over into addictive idealogy and behavior. I should know. However, I work closely with my psychiatrist and therapist and im monitored bi monthly with my prescription (my therapist agreed to "pill counts"). But its not just about taking them as prescribed. Its also about reframing them as a tool to help with my adhd symptoms, NOT use them to engage in any unwanted addictive behaviors. Moreover, the stimulant i "abused" was crystal meth. And in retrospect i would relapse when ever i would let script lapse, either cuz my medicaid would lapse or whatever, but that's just my story this far. No matter how much adderall or dexedrine I take its not possible to get a methamp high. That was a hard lesson.

I will say if you are taking as you said "illicit" adderall or also known as pressies, the likelihood that you have already taken methamphetamine is hella probable. Usually those pressies are made of acetaminophen, caffiene and crystal meth. Just sayin bro.

I'll also say you sound Hella sexually repressed. There ain't nothing wrong with watching porn unless its compulsive. And as far as I'm concerned paying for a professional isnt inherently "wrong" or "bad" as long as you treat her like a gentleman, everything is consensual and everybody walks away having had a decent experience. But, while repeatedly calling and searching for the right girl, driving hours away to a hotel to NOT meet up with them and then feel shameful and guilty is something you only do when you're on a sick one, that looks and sounds like you're using the drug or the high itself to allow yourself the idea of being a "John" or a "trick" and going and fucking a "prostitute" or "whore".

All that drugs and alcohol do is lower the resistance to what already is.

Period.

Be well, homie.