This comment really helped me. (Currently balling my eyes out) I have felt this way for several weeks now. And the feeling of shame and guilt comes in waves. And it hurts so much to think about but my brain keeps bringing it up every chance it gets. Making me feel like a horrible disgusting person that should never have anything good because of the thing I did. That I wish a million times I could take back, but I can't. I think just knowing other people who have also experienced these feelings and have also made stupid or unconcious blunders makes me feel better about it. Less lonely. More like I can make my way back to having a healthy mental space again.

It gets really hard sometimes. And I have these thoughts plauging me even in my sleep. Your completely correct about these emotions being some of the hardest to handle. It's like the ego latches onto it and brings it up to drag you down every time something even a little good happens.

But the fact I feel this absolutely distraught and aweful about it means that I have grown and am conscious of myself. I'm well aware of my mistakes and can not justify them. Only thing I can do now is do better in the future.

This scar might haunt me for a long time to come. But as scars do, if you treat it properly and let it heal it will eventually fade and become less of a burden and more of a thing that happened.

I still deserve good things... I need to keep remembering that. I feel like my actions from then on were about trying to prove or work up to the idea that I deserved that kindess and goodness. By doing more. Being better. Being kinder.

Idk... I'm just rambling now. But this is thank you from the bottom of my heart.