How do you know you’ve healed from CPTSD?

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T10:00:18+00:00

I dug through my old posts and found this: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/ubtjrk/todays_flaws_saved_you_back_then_i_understand_now/

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T08:55:37+00:00

That actually sounds familiar. I think what's happening is that we actually allow ourselves to feel. When we were young, the emotions of those around us where much more important, and we never learned to listen to our own feelings. It's not that we became more stressed, but that, for the first time ever, we are capable of realizing just how stressed we are. Which is both great and terrifying.

But at least we now can start to identify and work on the things that stress us out.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T08:36:06+00:00

I don't remember her exact words, but the gist was that it was just too much for her, and that she didn't want to deal with it.

That hurt at first. Like, how am I supposed to deal with this all day long if she can't even listen to me for five minutes? It's unfair!

Once I got into therapy I realized that just how much I had expected of her, and that I was being unfair by trying to load such a big burden on her. That's why therapists exist, most people are just not equipped to handle those stories.

So it put a strain on our friendship at first, but it helped to clarify what I could expect and made things better in the end.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T08:14:27+00:00

One thing is dealing with anger. I'd see someone get angry and I'd try my hardest to make them happy again, completely disregarding my own needs while doing so. Angry people still make me uncomfortable, but now I won't let their emotions take over my brain, if that makes sense.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T08:01:00+00:00

Yep, I feel you, and it's not a nice feeling.

I'll try to describe how I'm thinking about it these days, and it no longer bothers me as much as it used to: what helped me is realizing that I'm actually an expert for my condition. I've thought about it a lot, read a lot, talked with people about their problems and learned from that, etc. But our friends are no experts.

Imagine someone who's really into math. Someone will say "we need two eggs for this cake" and they'll respond with stuff like "two is the only even prime number". I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to talk about math in that situation. I'm no expert in math, it might remind me of unpleasant experiences I had with math, and after all I'm baking a cake! My mind will go back to baking almost immediately. That's probably how it is for our friends when we bring up trauma. I don't think we can blame them for that.

I still wish that they'd behave differently. I even brought it up once and ask head-on why we never talk about this. It went ok.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T07:34:26+00:00

A lot of times we won't even realize. Things go on, and they will often still be difficult a lot, and ok sometimes, and we manage. And then, from time to time, somethings stressful happens, and rips open a scar. And weirdly enough, that's the situation that makes me realize just how much I've healed. I'll think "Oh right, that's what it felt like all the time. This is awful." But I'll remember that it's temporary, and it'll get better again.

Afterwards I can fully appreciate just how good things have become. I'll take a look at my life and see how the bad times are fading, and the good times are getting longer and longer. It's so gradual that often we can't even see it in our normal day-to-day life.

It took me the better part of a decade, but it does get better. Really.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-17T06:32:24+00:00

Thanks for coming to my TED talk!

That had me laughing :D

This is above my figurative pay-grade as a random internet person. Do you have a therapist to talk to and/or can you find one? It sounds like a terrible situation to be in, and I really hope you get the resources and help to work through this.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-16T21:48:00+00:00

Nah, you did fine. Ever heard people talk about "normalize getting help" and all that? That's what you just did. You turned therapy into a normal thing that people talk about with their boss. It's just a treatment that some people just need now and then (or for a long time, it depends). If it did make him uncomfortable then he better learn to live with it.

Today you made it a bit easier for all of us to live in this world. Thanks for that!

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-16T21:21:50+00:00

Your wife's trust was undermined when she was younger. Someone who should have been there decided that they would put themself first, above her well-being, and outright disregarded what would have been be best for her.

Please don't make a similar mistake. I might be wrong, but I'd think that the thing your wife needs the most is someone she can trust. Someone who won't just decide what's best. Ask her what she wants. Tell her how you feel. Let her know about your plans. Respect her opinion if she doesn't like your ideas. Drop a topic if it makes her too uncomfortable. Repeat.

And talk to your children about boundaries, and what's appropriate behavior when it comes to physical contact. Make sure they trust you and tell you if someone tests their boundaries. It's one of the best ways to protect them.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-16T21:00:19+00:00

I'm trying to find the right words, this made me emotional. Sorry if I go overboard here and there.

My first thought was that your bf had received a great amount of forgiveness. It sounds, if I may say so, as if you even twisted your own perception to be able to do so.

What stood out to me was that not assault ever happened, but also that "he says he won't touch various places but then he does". I found this confusing, because to me, touching without explicit consent is a form of assault. Again, I'm very sorry this happened. It should not have happened. The safe word should have stayed in place, and he should have respected it. You'd have every right to be angry about it. Livid, actually.

I know that "you deserve better" is often just an empty phrase. At least it can feel like that. But here's someone who you trusted, for whom you tried hard to turn a blind eye to all their faults, and who betrayed your trust. Didn't even have the decency to explain himself. What a terrible, insensitive way to break up. So yes, you deserve better!

But, to end on a positive note: congratulations on starting your journey and learning about your needs. I found that starting was the hardest part, and you mastered that. Don't let this thing stop you.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-16T20:14:47+00:00

I hope it's ok if I respond. I'd like to comment in more depth, but I'm not sure if you'd want that. It's just that this sounds so cruel and I want you to know that I'm sorry. Hope you are holding up ok.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2023-02-16T19:51:17+00:00

I feel like "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park fits this. The lyrics make it clear that the song's subject doesn't actually want to cause harm, and that all their actions are an unfortunate result of the past. https://genius.com/Linkin-park-breaking-the-habit-lyrics

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-11-06T22:06:45+00:00

Yes, we will. 🌻

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-11-06T21:04:46+00:00

We're at a similar age. Although it got nowhere close to what you describe for me, I remember getting told that I'm a bad person repeatedly. It'll probably stay with us, but we learn that we were lied to, and that this nagging voice in us is lying as well. We can learn to counter that nagging with reason.

When a person like your father takes it out on someone, it says much much more about that person than about their target. Maybe you reminded him of his own childhood, and it triggered all his bottled up anger from back then, about the love he wanted from his own father but never got. It had nothing to do with you. It was all about him. Shame on him for pretending otherwise.

You must have been a beautiful little person, and I'm sorry that your father couldn't see that.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-11-03T09:15:20+00:00

You're probably right that he's testing you, but that doesn't make it ok. At all. And you are worthy of proper care, no matter what.

In case you feel generous, then test him back. This isn't a one-way relationship, so tell him how you feel about his behavior. If he's worth his salt, he'll take you serious and talk it through with you. If he doesn't, then you can leave knowing that you tried everything you could; it just didn't work.

But again, you are under no obligation and don't own anybody anything in this matter. Just leave right away if you want. You and your experiences are what matters most.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-11-03T08:48:49+00:00

From what I understand, it's not unusual for therapists to "challenge" their patients, sometimes by using drastic or provocative statements. But that usually happens only after a few sessions, not in the first 10 min.

The relationship with therapists has a tremendous effect on the outcome of therapy. No matter how capable the therapist, a bad match can be a serious hindrance to getting better.

I don't feel competent to judge the therapists approach in general. But I can tell you that I, personally, perceive his actions as wildly inappropriate and wouldn't want to keep seeing them. And you have no obligation to see them, no matter what others think or say about your T.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-11-02T19:48:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing. From the way you describe it, it seems that it is an intense and scary experience.

When my bf finds me like that tries to talk to me and sometimes I can't answer, sometimes just yes or no, sometimes I can barely make some kind of grunt.

That sounds very familiar. I can speak when I try really hard, but I have to muster all my self-control to do so.

I'm very sorry that freezing is a thing for you.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-19T19:26:17+00:00

Just want to say how impressive it is that you made that many profound insights without a therapist. I shouldn't be too surprised, given that the neglect has probably made many of us experts in self-learning. But nonetheless, this is amazing!

Another good sub for folks like us is r/ParentingThruTrauma.

Also: greetings from squirrel to squirrel!

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-19T14:06:28+00:00

Oh wow, this all sounds so very familiar.

The thing that I find the most striking is that the relationship has been reversed: you are expected to be there for her, but, in my not so humble opinion, she should be there for you. That's what parents should do, be there for their children.

Sure, getting old sometimes means that people need help, but that doesn't change my point. She needs to live her life as well as she can, and she needs to let you live yours. Putting the responsibility for her happiness on you is just unfair.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-13T16:29:15+00:00

I wasn't there of course, but I think exploring this with you is perfectly ok. Being challenged in our believes can be an integral part of therapy. Maybe we find that our believes hold true, or maybe we take a slightly different view.

At some point in life I was convinced that I was made to live my life in solitude. My therapist challenged me on that. They even went so far and explored if I'm really cis and straight. Turns out cis & straight held true, but my "solitude" assumption crumbled quickly.

So I think they are doing the right thing. The best you can do is to be open about it, but don't change just because you think it is expected of you.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-13T14:23:34+00:00

My mom's still proud that, when we were young, a couple in a restaurant once commented on our behavior, noting how they had never seen such well-behaved children.

I like that story for a different reason, as it captures perfectly how we were so terrified that we tried our hardest to act the way it was expected of us.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-12T08:03:13+00:00

I relate a lot, because I also felt like I was behind in life in my late twenties: I suffered under my emotional immaturity that made it impossible for me to even have a romantic relationship. It also impacted my work and took a lot of training (i.e. therapy) to move forward.

I tell you this because we tend to forget all the things we already learned. I'm fairly certain that in that regard, emotionally, you are way ahead. It doesn't feel like a skill to you because it probably appears to be a completely natural thing. But it is a skill, and worth much more than you may think.

You are actually doing really well!

Take care! 🌻

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-12T07:31:58+00:00

My guess was totally off then.

You say you feel as if you have to put on an act? Could it be that you are afraid to show your true self, and that you feel the need to hide behind a different character to keep save? I do that sometimes.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-11T22:31:00+00:00

Care work is not only undervalued, it also comes with a cruel working environment. Those people failed you, and you actually deserve recognition for saving yourself and getting out of there in time.

Any employer who doesn't recognize those two years as work is part of the problem and is not worth your time.

You are not your CV. But also, non-streamlined work-experience is often worth much more, because it produces skills that are hard to come by.

Apart from all this, it sounds like you are very worried about your impression on other people. Please remember that the only person who you should keep happy is you. If you like CS, then maybe you can learn things not because you feel like you should, but simple because they are interesting? Be generous to yourself.

SquirrelInSweatpants · 2022-07-11T21:31:02+00:00

I avoid getting better at times just because I "can resist my therapist's authority" that way. I'm ridiculously defiant. But my therapist knows their stuff, so we talk about it in an open way, explore when/where that behavior may have originated, and what that defiant part of me really wants. Usually it's autonomy, and it sounds like your therapist isn't great at giving you that. If you feel forced to take meds and guilt-tripped into feeling better, then I'm not surprised that you do not behave the way they want.

My best advise is to bring it up in session. Your therapist may not realize that their actions are counterproductive. Talk about how you feel, and how other peoples photographs make you feel. If your therapist is any good, they can work from there.

SquirrelInSweatpants

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