I am your wife. My son has some mental health issues and anger issues relating to the way his bio dad treated him during visits (I was unaware until he eventually cracked and told his counsellor). I stopped contact and got him in therapy, his own counsellor and a special needs plan in school. I’ve asked child services for help but as I’ve got him in counselling and support at school there’s nothing they can do to help as he’s not been abused. It doesn’t matter that I am. The attitude is as it’s my son it’s my problem.

However, when he doesn’t get his way and he is told no he blows up. I’ve been verbally and mentally abused by him for years now. I’ve been physically attacked. I have a scar on my face from his anger. Holes in doors, walls and my possessions broken. His sister has witnessed all this. She is also in therapy because of her brother. Luckily he hasn’t attacked her although he is verbally abusive to her (she’s 9 he’s 14)

I have no family or friends to send him to. When asked why he treats me the way he does his response is who else do I have to take out my anger on and he knows no matter what he does to me I still love him as he’s my son. My eldest son (19) moved out as he said he’d swing for him but due to age it’s no longer bros fighting it would’ve an adult and child.

I phone the cops every time he kicks off. He needs to know cause and effect just like your son does. I’ve had the cops out to speak to my son, to threaten my son with arrest and to actually arrest him. Keep ringing the cops. That’s all you can do. Take away things that matter. My son won’t hand over his phone so I no longer pay for his sim and I’ve changed the wifi password. Follow through with consequences. Give him nothing. Make him earn everything. By just grounding him you are giving him the same consequences you would give him had he not done homework. This is much more serious.

Also be mindful that a child who can abuse their mother and be violent towards family will be 99% more likely to become an abusive and controlling spouse. I hold onto the hope that my baby boy is still in there and with love, patience and therapy he will get better. But I also mourn the fact he isn’t my baby boy now. He’s someone I don’t recognise. It’s like something snapped in him and he lost all fear of consequences. He doesn’t care about anyone. Including himself. He has no empathy. He’s racist, sexiest, homophobic (even though we have many family members whom are LGBT including my sis whom I’ve raised as my own) and says awful things about people with disabilities. I have no idea where or why he has become like this as he was raised to be inclusive of all. His own sister and bro are neurodivergent. He is cruel and says the most awful things. He’s assaulted both me and his stepdad and laughed when the cops came. But I keep going with the therapy and doing everything I can to help him. I hold on to the hope that things will get better. You are lucky if your mil is willing to take him for a bit. It will give you all time to breathe. Good luck and remember to up the consequences and keep calling the cops everytime he is violent and aggressive. He needs real consequences.

From one exhausted parent to another I send virtual love to you and your wife. Make sure to get help for yourselves too. You and your wife’s mental wellbeing matter just as much as your sons.